Christmas

Am I the only person who is awake at 1am on Christmas simply because they don't want to go to sleep and acknowledge that another year has come and almost gone? I feel so much differently now than I did a year ago. I found something interesting today. I have borderline personality disorder and this article helped me explain it to my husband who has never been able to understand. So if any of you that are reading this don't understand me then maybe this will make a little more sense: you may have to copy and paste but please read it....and leave me comments!!! http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20070521/darth-vaders-psyche-what-went-wrong

it is what it is, take it at face value

December 23, 2007

I have to attempt to put these words down on paper so maybe they’ll leave my head alone. I’m terrified. Terrified I’m going to do something incredibly stupid because my brain refuses to function like it should. This has been an emotionally distressing year. Funny thing is nothing externally much has been going on to make me FEEL like I do. I feel like I hate my life and I want to start over and like all the major decision I’ve made should be undone. I want to be able to say it’s over if I feel like it and not destroy someone’s life in the process. And by that person I mean my child. My precious, sweet, demonic child.

i'm ridiculous

that last post was atrocious. I translated it into English with the same program I used to translate it to French and it is incomprehensible. Never mind. It was about not being understood even when you speak the same language. I want something to concentrate on besides my insanity. Who ever gives me this for an extended period of time I could easily love forever.

les mots i n'indiqueront dehors jamais fort

Je rends celui-ci difficile. Si vous voulez le lire trouvaille un poisson de Babel : www.babelfish.yahoo.com


le point sur ceci est que vous pouvez parler la même langue que quelqu'un sans elles jamais arrangement un mot vous disent. Je me sens comme le ce la plupart des jours. Comme je ne suis pas compris. Et d'autres fois, vous pouvez dire que peu de mots et d'autres juste obtenez-lui. Il est tout que je veux. être compris au moins soixante-dix cinq pour cent du temps. peut-être faire ainsi me ferait l'ordinaire, qui je certainement AM pas, même une bonne journée. Est-ce qu'ainsi comment j'aborde être plus ordinaire ? mon esprit ne semble pas fonctionner comme others' ;. Je ne peux pas le fermer au loin si j'essaye. J'ai besoin de conseil. un bon nombre de lui. quelqu'un pour me donner quelque chose penser sans compter que la façon dont gâché moi suis. donnez-moi le but où je n'en ai aucun. un charger qui prendra une éternité pour accomplir, mais ne laissera jamais moi alésé, ou le sentiment accablé par la profondeur de l'impossibilité du charger. et ainsi vous savez, c'est en français. Je m'ennuie. économiser moi veuillez.

Bury Me In Memory

can't seem to get my thoughts together too well these days. My mind is going in so many random directions I can't totally seem to keep up. Had an eventful weekend. A good one. A bad one. cried. did some soul searching. laughed. obsessed. planned. felt a new emotion. experienced an old emotion that shouldn't be there. cried. laughed. looked someone in the eye. was shy. was loud. was awkward but felt strangely fulfilled. baked. ate ice cream. vegged. slept. stayed up all night. shopped. met a beautiful woman. fell in love. got my heart broken. got butterflies. scared someone. comforted someone. gave advice. took advice. wished. admired a full moon. dreamed. came to the realization (again) that nothing is truly as permanent as it seems. discovered the expected can come at unexpected times. evaded. told the truth. told a lie. fooled myself. I will continue to do so. can't give up, and can't give in. to do so would destroy everything. feel like spontaneously combusting just so it's not building inside me anymore. feel like i'm suffocating. waiting for the pills to steady my system. waiting. waiting...

Happy Anniversary

So yesterday David and I celebrated being together for SIX years. I was thinking on it, we didn't really do anything spectacular last year for five years and I realized it's because at six years we hit the 5 year mark and kept going. Yesterday was 5 years since we got engaged, five years since we fully commited to each other. In another week or so we will pass the 5 year point where Angelina came to be. I'm happy, but I'm also kind of melancholy...like..."this is it?" I'm 23...and this is it. I'm not unhappy per se... in the past month or so have been probably at one of the happiest points in my life...but it didn't revolve around my family or my husband. It revolved around ME. and then i got sad because I decided I want to go to college. I want to DO something with my life besides work a mediocre job that I hate that barely pays the bills and spend most evenings either watching TV or surfing the internet and being annoyed at my husband and my daughter. My daughter for paying too much attention to me and my husband for not paying ENOUGH attention to me. And it just makes me think. I could be doing anything I wanted to, I could go to school and live in a dorm and just worry about getting good grades and not about whether me furthering my education was going to make us lose our house. I can get money to go to school. I can't get money to not work to be able to go to school and still pay the bills. And i'd really like to be able to finish my degree and get a job before Angelina graduates. I don't want a 6 year degree to take me 12 years to complete. I also don't want to miss out on my daughter growing up. So everyone please pray that something presents itself to make it all possible.

Hello blog world

So, I'm kinda depressed/melancholy. I HATE paying bills. No, actually that's not entirely true...I just hate paying bills when it means there's no money left over, or sometimes not enough. right now is one of those not enough times. I hate having to shuffle due dates just to make ends meet. I work for a living. So does my husband. we are both productive citizens. So why is it so hard? I mean... Thanksgiving in next week, and I have PLENTY to be thankful for, but right now I feel like... why am I thankful for working my ass off everyday to have little to show for it. And Christmas. It's commercial, we know this...but ... my daughter, she's 4, I asked her what she wanted for Christmas...the only things she wants are a Dora the Explorer bicycle, and a red Ford Mustang convertible (the power wheels version, that is) We have been flirting with the idea of this mustang for over a year now. She rode in one once and now everytime we go to the store she wants to look at it. It's always "Maybe you'll get that for Christmas, or maybe for you birthday, or maybe when we get the income tax return", but ... when it comes time for those things we never seem to have that $300 for the red plastic mustang that apparently is my 4 year old's heart's desire. I want to go to school. I want to not work, or only work part-time, and go to school. Can't even make ends meet working full time how do I expect to go to school? The last thing I need is more debt. I'm up to my ears in it, it's working on suffocating me. Some days it's unbearable (like today) and I just want to run away and hide. So, if you're reading this, and you have like... oh, I dunno 10,000 dollars to spare send it my way... it could come in handy. kthnxbye.

My horoscope for today 11/4/07

Have you been feeling a little out of touch lately? Now is the time to ground yourself in reality a bit more and reconnect with someone from your past who may still be important to you.

Shoot Down The Stars

Went to a great concert on Thursday. Second Fall Out Boy show i've been to and they were as to be expected...awesome. Found a couple more Gym Class Heroes songs that I like. The show was a perfect addition to the high I've been on the past couple weeks, can't really explain it in words what's been going on in my head but I've been helping someone express things that for some reason they felt they could never tell anyone else. This is nothing new to me. I'm just one of those people that people feel comfortable telling their secrets too. I will say that this is probably the biggest secret I've ever kept. And also probably the secrets that hurt my heart the most because I've been there. but instead of making me sad and hurt I feel HAPPY which is an amazing feat for me. I feel happy because I helped someone. So I've finally decided that i'm going to major in psychology because at the end of the day FEELING like I helped someone makes me feel better. And i'm good at this. I have almost always the person that my friends came to for advice... didn't matter what about usually. and i'm one of those people that if i don't know the answer..i'll find it out. I love it. And I am enough of a walking mental disorder to empathize. I thought that it might be a problem and I avoided making this career decision for that reason, i'm empathetic, i'm sympathetic. I care. I haven't quite made up my mind as to where I want to end up with this. I am leaning towards private practice, probably like teens and up. I'm so excited about this..so everyone be excited for me too! I feel amazing. I can't stand it. I feel so restless like I need to do something NOW, but alas, I can't. I have totally lost my train of thought.



^^Patrick at the end of the show. This man has so much talent. I <3 him. :)

About Me

I am Jessica.

The following is a list of things that I felt compelled to share

Why are we so ashamed of what people do to us?

I can be a mean person. That being said, people trust me with their secrets. And I keep them. I want to cry. I don't understand why people purposely hurt others. And I don't mean playful jest. Death is the only thing so far that doesn't haunt me. Maybe that's because you dont' have to live with it when it's over. Don't get me wrong, i'm not ready to die. It's just that I fear pain and suffering more than the end of this life. I know there's more, and I know that it will be more wonderful than I could ever possible dream it in my mortal life. You hear things on the news, I try not to watch, it makes me cry. So much hate and hurt. Statistics. It's hard seeing people's lives turned into statistics. When I was 16 I was in a sexual abuse survivors group. There were 6 of us I think. We were discussing statistics, at that point in time the statistics said that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 5 boys have endured some form of sexual abuse. My therapist then said, "in simple terms, that means that if you are with 3 friends, chances are at least 1 of you has been abused." A small fraction of that 25% ever tell or seek help for coping with it. Remember to love each other, we all have our own demons. Everyone has pain. Remember that you are one part in a multi-billion piece puzzle. If you have the opportunity to help someone, do it. Some people need an ear, or a shoulder, some just need you to hold the door open for 10 seconds longer. Don't get to busy or too much in a hurry to realize that your actions affect everyone around you. Remember that if you need someone that someone else probably needs you. Reason, Season, Lifetime. You decide.

Have you ever seen those familes where everyone looks alike? This is me and my sister. We've never met. We have different mothers who've never met. We have the same father, I've never met him, she has, but she doesn't remember him. It's strange, I still keep imagining that it's all a lie. Before I found her my husband and I were discussing a paternity test with the man who raised me and is by all accounts (including legally) my dad. But I hear her voice and I see her face, and I know with 99% accuracy that this is my sister and a man that I have never met, and will never meet, is my father. It's kind of sad. The very few pieces I have found on him are not about his life, but about his death. Cemetary indexes, his obituary in the newspaper. What is sad is the newspaper states that he was survived only by his mother, father, and brother, when in reality he has two daughters. What I know of this man is not at all pretty. This is in my blood. Half of my genetic make up, and I know nothing of it, will never know.

I have a sister

I've known that I had a sister since I was 10 years old. I never really wanted to find her because that would involve finding my biological father. The information I knew about him wasn't that great. But yesterday I'm sitting here reading a survey and question #1 says: Where is your sister? where is my sister? So, being the way I am I decided to find her. And guess what? Today I have a sister. Her name is Amy, she lives in Missouri. She has three kids. My niece and nephews. How WEIRD is that? After 23 years I have a sister. She didn't even know. Which I kind of knew that because I don't think that HE even knew. Until this morning she didn't know that she had one more sister. She doesn't know anything about him, he wasn't allowed to be a part of her life and he died when she was 10. Her mom won't talk to her about him. My mom will tell me what she knows, but she doesn't know very much. I have a sister.

marooned on an island with nothing but a single shot

forgive the Pirates reference, Angelina insists on watching POTC at random times.




I'm so tired. I'm so tired that I'm typing with my eyes shut and my brain turned on low. i just want to sleep for a week, but my mind won't shut down. someone i care about is on a suicide mission. it hurts me to think that i might lose him forever even though i gave him up years ago. he gets me like no one else ever has or probably ever will. it scares me.

Am I Really Real?

I feel like I don't exist. not in the "i'm so ignored" kind of way. it's more like I get up. I get Ang ready for school. I go to work. I pick Angelina up. I go home. I make dinner (sometimes). I play on the computer. I go to bed. wash, rinse, repeat. Where is my life? Is this really what it's like to be an adult? Ok, kids. DON'T GROW UP! seriously. it's not about doing whatever you want to (or don't want to.) It's like I have to live somewhere and i have to eat so I have to get money to do these things. To get money, most of us have to work. then you get money from working and you don't feel like doing ANYTHING. except maybe have a shower which requires water that you have to pay for, and of course have lights that you also have to pay for. I'm broke. not like, i'm so behind on everything and they're shutting off my power or anything. it's just the depressing kind of broke where you work work work work work and you pay for the lights to be on and the water to come out of the faucet, but that's about it. so what's the point? I could quit my job and be on welfare and have lights and water and some kind of a roof over my head. What makes some people feel like they're more entitled to that? not working so you can collect a check for doing nothing all day?

Nine In The Afternoon

This is the new Panic! song. It's amazing...I can't wait for their new album!

I *think* i'm looking forward to Halloween?

I just totally redid my myspace page, it's very..gothic looking. I LOVE IT! black and grey and blood red and totally hot vampyre face. so i realized that I'm into all that gothic nonsense still and am looking forward to Halloween. kinda random, I know. I miss being thinner and being able to wear the corsets and tights and slinky skirts and mile high boots. grr.

yawn: part deux

it took me 25 minutes to write that last post. twenty-five minutes I will never get back. I am going to bed now. I'm tired. I hope someone reads this because then it feels less like talking to myself. If someone reads this, give me a sign. Post a comment or something. kthnxbye.

yawn.

here it is: 12:06a.m.
I'm still awake, tremendously tired
and yet I'm sitting here
feeling like I don't want to go to bed.

I have been working (a little)
on editing a novel that my brother-in-law is writing
I am a stickler for spelling things correctly
and (most) use of proper grammar.
You wouldn't know it to speak to me.
I say "good" when I should say "well".
but that's neither here nor there.

I don't understand how one day can be so good and the next so bad. Is it because after a good day a normal day feels less than normal?

She's Mine

I made this girl. Sometimes that frightens me. I can't believe she's been a part of me for almost five years now. More later. I'm typing this from my phone at work.

can't seem to get it right

seems like every time things settle down enough
to take a breath
something else comes along to mess up
the careful balance I have obtained

hyperactive/hypersensitive...is there a difference?

I have been so restless this week
in the past this would have been the turning point
in whatever "relationship" I was in at the time.
The point where I said
"maybe I love you, but I don't want to be with you...after all."
I've just come to this conclusion.

I did it

i don't know whether to be scared or proud of myself
i hit submit
i posted these (not so) secret inner workings of my brain
enjoy.

8-16-07

it's a struggle to overlook
the inadequacy of others
work is more of the same from yesterday
simple mistakes that could cause big problems
we all make them
why can't i just let them go?

I'm ranting - i must be a lunatic

i can't wrap my head aroudn the fact that most people don't get th big picture of patient care.
"I can't give refills right now because I have too many patients to see - right now." - three weeks later adn still no refills.
how can you effectively treat an illness if you only treat the onset and then ignore the patient's problem unless they're sitting in the office, they could make you less busy if you'd just give them their refills instead of giving them a heart attack because they ran out of meds.

I want to help people
I don't have the stomach to be a nurse
I don't have the desire to be a doctor
I dont' have the mental stability to be a therapist

8-15-07

The episodes tha thave no triggers are the worst of all.
liek falling in a pit of despair and you forgot the rope to make a ladder.
The indentifiable triggers give you at least a string to climb back out on.


today is a hazy day.
one thing se tme off this morning
a co-worker not following through on an order- two days ago.
She could have left the message that I left and possibly already closed the order, but she didn't.
It's not laziness it's "I don't care because it still counted as a call." and she is top producer in this department.
I'm not - because I take the CARE to follow through on the orders I touch.
Unfortunately - the big bosses look for numbers, not follow through 9 times out of 10.

edit: my therapist says I hold people to high standards and expect possibly more of them than is realistic. I set myself up to be dissapointed.

counter-clockwise

I have been at this job for one year. most days I hate coming to work, but it is less frightening than starting over, somewhere new.
I am becoming resistant to change.
I am so afraid of falling backward that I refuse to move forward so I don't have the opportunity to fail.

can't buy me love

i belive that how
you see me
and how i see
myself
are radically different
most of the time

to be cliche

I wear my umbrella
on the inside
you may never know
the pain
that lies behind
these baby blues

funny how a rainy day
can make me feel alive
the sky is grey like me
but the grass and trees
are so green and vibrant
it takes my breath away.

Rain is the seducer of my soul

I am content when it rains.
I will not lie, I am a down and depressed individual.
Not pessimistic necessarily, just dark around the edges.
I feel like the world gets me when there's lightning, thunder, and a blinding downpour.
It makes me feel calm underneath my worrisome skin.
I sometimes can feel the earth sighing at the sweet release of rain, the tears of the sky that leave her feeling refreshed.
The way everything looks green and new beneath a darkened sky.
The storm is a sweet seduction, anticipation, the heat and humidity that come first, so sweltering you feel as if your bones could melt, the smell of it that puts a knowing look into your eyes.
The electricity in the air that leads to that quick flash of lightning, bright and frightening, enchanting, and no way to control it.
The slow rumble of thunder, that quiver in your belly that crescendos into your ears.
The sweet release of all the beautiful rain that has been pent up, building, brewing behind clouds dark as melancholy.
The sigh.
it makes me want to close my eyes and just listen.
I feel as if i could float. the song it lulls me, it pulls at parts of me that i sometimes forget to remember I have.
the rain song ceases and life continues as usual, perhaps with a few new bright and precious blooms.