You've been through a lot in your life. Broken and bruised, you still keep going. You tend to hold promises dear to yourself. You would never lie to yourself. You believe in people and you see the true beauty in everything. Family and friends,... whether small or big, you keep them close to you; they mean everything to you. You couldn't bear to break anyone; it would hurt you the most. You don't believe in happy endings, but you do believe that there is always light to every dark; hope to every lost cause; beauty in the filth; two sides to every story. You believe that no one should be alone; you've been through that as well. Congratulations, true believer; keep being honest to yourself and others. Let no one tell you otherwise. You walk a long road, believer... Don't stop..
11.28.2009
When Will the Underwhelm Overcome the Overwhelm?
I wish that I could be underwhelmed. I have been bored. I have been disinterested. But at my darkest moments I am still overwhelmed. I become overwhelmed with dark, with black, with sad, with impenetrable fog. But no underwhelm.
When I am not depressed I am “Blah.” This is my answer almost every time my psychiatrist asks. I need therapy. I need a professional to talk to, to explain to, who might have, if not an answer, some suggestions at least. But alas, there is no money to pay the bills, so there definitely is no money to pay a therapist. This morning while doing the budget I was seriously considering not paying for the psychiatrist and the pills that don’t really seem to be helping.
Again, I am being sucked down. Today I go from blah to completely overwhelmed by so much that I can’t even sort out what hurts. My chest hurts. It feels like someone punched a hole in it. It hurts to breathe. So then I hyperventilate, which makes it worse, which makes me cry and hurt terribly all over again. Putting it down in words is making me cry. I seem to have sprung a leak. There is no emotion behind the tears. Just emptiness. And a lump in my throat the size of Texas that also makes it hard to breathe.
Sometimes I feel nothing. But I still outwardly emote. Or maybe I feel something but I don’t know what it is so it is emptiness to me. Maybe that is my underwhelm? whywhywhywhywhywhywhy can’t I function like a human being? David is tiptoeing around me… he said if I wanted to play Lady Gaga on the stereo it was ok. That’s a big deal. He pretty much despises Lady Gaga. He says she is annoying. :\
I don’t know what else to say. I love this record, baby, but I can’t see straight anymore. Keep it cool. What’s the name of this club? I can’t remember but it’s alright, alright. Just Dance.
When I am not depressed I am “Blah.” This is my answer almost every time my psychiatrist asks. I need therapy. I need a professional to talk to, to explain to, who might have, if not an answer, some suggestions at least. But alas, there is no money to pay the bills, so there definitely is no money to pay a therapist. This morning while doing the budget I was seriously considering not paying for the psychiatrist and the pills that don’t really seem to be helping.
Again, I am being sucked down. Today I go from blah to completely overwhelmed by so much that I can’t even sort out what hurts. My chest hurts. It feels like someone punched a hole in it. It hurts to breathe. So then I hyperventilate, which makes it worse, which makes me cry and hurt terribly all over again. Putting it down in words is making me cry. I seem to have sprung a leak. There is no emotion behind the tears. Just emptiness. And a lump in my throat the size of Texas that also makes it hard to breathe.
Sometimes I feel nothing. But I still outwardly emote. Or maybe I feel something but I don’t know what it is so it is emptiness to me. Maybe that is my underwhelm? whywhywhywhywhywhywhy can’t I function like a human being? David is tiptoeing around me… he said if I wanted to play Lady Gaga on the stereo it was ok. That’s a big deal. He pretty much despises Lady Gaga. He says she is annoying. :\
I don’t know what else to say. I love this record, baby, but I can’t see straight anymore. Keep it cool. What’s the name of this club? I can’t remember but it’s alright, alright. Just Dance.
11.22.2009
Polar Opposites
Recently a friend of a friend's son died in a car accident. He was half of a set of 2 or 3 year old twins. I do not know the kids or the mother, other than for her to have been spoken of by my friend.
I am not quite sure what train of thought brought me to it... but I was thinking... I don't understand how she could already go back to school, and out with friends (even if it was to drink away her sorrows). She has another child to care for and maybe that plays a role in not being completely non-functional.
I said to David, "I don't understand it. I don't understand how someone could just pick themselves up that quickly after something like that. I would be an absolute mess." I mean this in no way to be judgmental of this person because everyone grieves in their own way... and she has other responsibilities. But it is hard for me to wrap my head around because I couldn't do it.
I am not quite sure what train of thought brought me to it... but I was thinking... I don't understand how she could already go back to school, and out with friends (even if it was to drink away her sorrows). She has another child to care for and maybe that plays a role in not being completely non-functional.
I said to David, "I don't understand it. I don't understand how someone could just pick themselves up that quickly after something like that. I would be an absolute mess." I mean this in no way to be judgmental of this person because everyone grieves in their own way... and she has other responsibilities. But it is hard for me to wrap my head around because I couldn't do it.
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