The last three blog posts were quite negative. Why is it that I always focus on the negative.
What I really came here to say is this: Merry Christmas! I have had some good Christmases and this year will be wonderful. I am hopeful.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.
Edit: Christmas was fairly uneventful. Ending up staying at David’s parents Christmas Eve into Christmas Day. Watched a lot of movies, slept on and off through the evening. Had the wonderful breakfast David’s dad prepares every year. Opened presents, got a cool couple of things (like a digital photo frame that I have wanted since they came out a couple yrs ago) David got a small air compressor which he has been wanting for a while but couldn’t justify the expense. Angelina got a lot of dance stuff (tights, leotards, tap shoes, ballet slippers, and dance lessons!) a marshmallow maker (think Peeps) and a Booboo! Bear that sneezes and stuff. Then after all was done she says, I didn’t get very much stuff. Humph! I went home to shower a couple hours after we had done presents, and brought back the gifts from my mom and her partner, and also the two gifts that “Santa” (my mom) had sent her over the internet through fedex. This kid threw a big fit at 11:30 am because she didn’tget enough stuff even tho she had a pile of stuff. She opened Santa’s gifts at around 3:30… Changed her entire day. Santa really listened and brought her what she had asked him for. Exactly. She got a stuffed dog and a stuffed rabbit. That was the highlight of her day. And they have gone everywhere with her since then.
THANKS MOMMY!!!!!!
12.24.2009
Ahhh, Christmas Time! I hope you die. The 2000’s
The 2000’s
Christmas 2000 – 16 years old: I ended up staying with mom. I was in school, I had a job, I had 3 failed semi-relationships in the year that I lived in FL, and was currently in a super secret relationship with a GIRL! Well, super secret from her mom at least… everyone else knew. So, Christmas… She was at my house spending the night (as we did most weekends) and she gets a call from her mom that her uncle is coming to get her. So of course she is quite interested in why her uncle is coming to get her, and why anyone is coming to get her at all considering she had only been at my house a couple hours. Well, apparently her mom is a snoop. And her mom found a note that I had written her that she had hidden in the bedpost of her daybed. So, her mom expressly forbid her to stay at my house, or for us to walk out of work together, or to see us together, or basically anything that had to do with her mom seeing me for any reason. Merry Christmas!!!
Christmas 2001 – 17 years old: Mom decides to stop outwardly celebrating Christmas..no tree, no decorations.. whatever… doesn’t really matter much to me anyways. This was David and I’s first Christmas. We had been dating 6 weeks. I think I might have gone over to his parents for Christmas dinner, but I’m not really sure. Regardless, his older sister was down from school. First time I had met her (obviously since she didn’t live here) Didn’t seem to go well, but then again none of David’s family had warmed up to me at all, except maybe his brother who didn’t really care. (Thanks Stephen!!!) Or maybe his dad who had come up to me shortly after we started dating and put his arm around my shoulders and said “So you’re the reason why my son is never home” – Like I said his family hadn’t really warmed up to me, so we spent most of our time at my house or out doing something. So, the memorable part? His sister went home. It had become apparent that his family didn’t know me, so I was invited to dinner one evening. His dad wasn’t there so it was he and I, his then 14 yr old brother, his 10 yr old sister, and his mom. So, we’re eating and out of nowhere his little sister says to me “I don’t like you. And mom and Jenn don’t like you either” to which his mom replied “Lisa!” and to me “It’s not that we don’t like you it’s just that we don’t know you.” So, that was then, this is now. We got to know each other. Especially when 3 months later He and I moved in together after 4 1/2 months of dating and 2 months after we both turned 18. SURPRISE!!!
Christmas 2002 – 18 years old: David and I are engaged. We got engaged on our one year anniversary the middle of November. I talked to my dad for the first time in 3 years to tell him that I was getting married. What does this have to do with Christmas? I think I’m pregnant. It’s eating at me, I was a mess. worst.timing.EVAR. HPT + 2 days before Christmas. Yeah…we’re not gonna tell them..it’s Christmas. We’ll wait a couple weeks. So, middle of January, the day before David’s 19th bday, I start getting sharp pains in my belly that shoot down my leg and in my back and I’m freaking out. So I make him come get me from work and take me to the ER. We were there forever. Partly because I ate a package of Peanut m&m’s in the waiting room. When we told them that I might be preggers, the dr ordered a vaginal ultrasound….well.. they couldn’t do it for 4 hours after I had last eaten. Damn those M&M’s. They did blood work… turns out that the couple of weeks pregnant I though I might be was actually about 9 weeks. And it was for sure. No questions about it. I was pregnant. Me, pregnant (omg i’m going to Hell) So, of course freaking out. They said I had a UTI (woohoo) but wanted the U/S still to make sure that the baby was ok. So, around 2am finally got the u/s. That made it real for me. She was 4cm long looked like a little baby lizard minus the tail and had this little dark pulsing dot in her center. Her beating heart. There was a live person growing inside of me. You are now entering the Twilight Zone? Surprise!!!
Christmas 2005 – 21 years old: Had been back in touch with Dad since 2003, there’s a whole long story between then and now..but this is the Christmas story, so… He and Deb (FINALLY) got divorced earlier this year. He had to have surgery on his abdomen the beginning on December so we made last minute plans to drive to KS to spend a week or so with him while he was recuperating, and what makes this Christmas hit the memorable radar? It was the first time I had been to KS since I had left 6 years before (and the only time that I have been back in the 10 years that I have lived in FL.) The other thing that made this Christmas memorable is that while we were away some rats moved into our house and took over. And I mean this literally. And they multiply quite quickly. Angelina got bitten on New Year’s Eve. We had all gotten sick in KS and were like 3-4 days into antibiotics. Just in case though we called David’s mom who is an RN and has been since before David was born. She said basically the dr. would look at it and clean it and put her on an antibiotic. So, rather than rush our 2 yr old to the ER in the middle of the night (coz it’s NYE, the dr’s offices are closed and it was a Saturday night at that) we took her in on Monday morning first thing when the quick care clinic opened again. Dr. looked at it, made sure it was clean (it was) told us to make sure she finishes her antibiotic that she was already on, put some anti-bac ointment on it and keep it covered. That was Monday. Monday night, Angelina moved in with Grandmom and Poppop. Mommy and Daddy hit up wal-mart for traps and poison and all the aggressive ways to get rodents out of the house. Thursday night while I am at work, the Dept of Children and Families shows up with a Sheriff’s Deputy. It all turned into a huge mess. Ang wasn’t allowed to come home for a month, even tho within a week we had killed off all the stupid pests. In the middle of all this we discovered that we also had termites. So, the exterminator came to do the termite treatment (luckily it wasn’t the kind that u have to have the tent for…although that would have gotten rid of just about anything living in the house, I think.) DCF wanted an exterminator to come and inspect the house anyways to make sure the rats were gone. The guy said that basically all they can do is look for droppings… if there are no droppings, there are no rodents. House had just gotten rid of rats, termites and was thoroughly cleaned so we were good. The inspector came from DCF and said that there were crumbs in the toaster which was a fire hazard, there were a couple of other nitpicky things, but basically said they would come back in a week to check again and that we needed to fix that stuff before then. long story short… she came home after 4 weeks. Then we had home supervision for a few months, a few court dates, and finally 6 months later were cleared and given our lives back.
Christmas 2007 – 23 years old: I’m going to keep this one short. Read any of my blogs from 2007 and you will learn anything you need to know about Christmas 2007. This is the only Christmas (so far) that I have personally screwed up. And mostly it was the week between Christmas and New Year’s that was the problem, ending up with me telling David on NYE that I wanted to move out. Again, blogs all about this circa early 2008.
Christmas 2009 – 25 years old: Oh Christmas! Again, Christmas kinda isn’t that great this year because we have no money. Ang will be getting a ton of stuff, i’m sure. Just not from us. Which makes me sad. See, I had a mental breakdown in February and ended up in a psych hospital for a week. Abandoned my job because I just couldn’t deal. Am waiting for social security disability to be approved. (They should read my blog… it tells all about how screwed up I am) And while nothing “traumatic” has happened yet, I feel deflated. I have been having a mild depressive episode since the beginning of December, and it has gotten progressively worse as the month goes on. The meltdown commenced with “The Blog That Got Eaten” (See: Die, Live Writer, Die! or Dammit!) and has waxed and waned since then. It is now 6:34 am on December 24. I JUST realized the reason why I am still awake and have been writing all night is because I forgot to take my meds at 10pm last night. What a way to start the actual holidays of being with lots of wrapping paper and in-law’s (Although I <3 them now) and FOOD. Oh, yeah…the food is good medicine. Now if I could just sleep for a bit.
Merry Christmas!!!!!! (And I mean this for real, not sarcastically)
Now you know why Christmas is not such a great holiday for me.
Christmas 2000 – 16 years old: I ended up staying with mom. I was in school, I had a job, I had 3 failed semi-relationships in the year that I lived in FL, and was currently in a super secret relationship with a GIRL! Well, super secret from her mom at least… everyone else knew. So, Christmas… She was at my house spending the night (as we did most weekends) and she gets a call from her mom that her uncle is coming to get her. So of course she is quite interested in why her uncle is coming to get her, and why anyone is coming to get her at all considering she had only been at my house a couple hours. Well, apparently her mom is a snoop. And her mom found a note that I had written her that she had hidden in the bedpost of her daybed. So, her mom expressly forbid her to stay at my house, or for us to walk out of work together, or to see us together, or basically anything that had to do with her mom seeing me for any reason. Merry Christmas!!!
Christmas 2001 – 17 years old: Mom decides to stop outwardly celebrating Christmas..no tree, no decorations.. whatever… doesn’t really matter much to me anyways. This was David and I’s first Christmas. We had been dating 6 weeks. I think I might have gone over to his parents for Christmas dinner, but I’m not really sure. Regardless, his older sister was down from school. First time I had met her (obviously since she didn’t live here) Didn’t seem to go well, but then again none of David’s family had warmed up to me at all, except maybe his brother who didn’t really care. (Thanks Stephen!!!) Or maybe his dad who had come up to me shortly after we started dating and put his arm around my shoulders and said “So you’re the reason why my son is never home” – Like I said his family hadn’t really warmed up to me, so we spent most of our time at my house or out doing something. So, the memorable part? His sister went home. It had become apparent that his family didn’t know me, so I was invited to dinner one evening. His dad wasn’t there so it was he and I, his then 14 yr old brother, his 10 yr old sister, and his mom. So, we’re eating and out of nowhere his little sister says to me “I don’t like you. And mom and Jenn don’t like you either” to which his mom replied “Lisa!” and to me “It’s not that we don’t like you it’s just that we don’t know you.” So, that was then, this is now. We got to know each other. Especially when 3 months later He and I moved in together after 4 1/2 months of dating and 2 months after we both turned 18. SURPRISE!!!
Christmas 2002 – 18 years old: David and I are engaged. We got engaged on our one year anniversary the middle of November. I talked to my dad for the first time in 3 years to tell him that I was getting married. What does this have to do with Christmas? I think I’m pregnant. It’s eating at me, I was a mess. worst.timing.EVAR. HPT + 2 days before Christmas. Yeah…we’re not gonna tell them..it’s Christmas. We’ll wait a couple weeks. So, middle of January, the day before David’s 19th bday, I start getting sharp pains in my belly that shoot down my leg and in my back and I’m freaking out. So I make him come get me from work and take me to the ER. We were there forever. Partly because I ate a package of Peanut m&m’s in the waiting room. When we told them that I might be preggers, the dr ordered a vaginal ultrasound….well.. they couldn’t do it for 4 hours after I had last eaten. Damn those M&M’s. They did blood work… turns out that the couple of weeks pregnant I though I might be was actually about 9 weeks. And it was for sure. No questions about it. I was pregnant. Me, pregnant (omg i’m going to Hell) So, of course freaking out. They said I had a UTI (woohoo) but wanted the U/S still to make sure that the baby was ok. So, around 2am finally got the u/s. That made it real for me. She was 4cm long looked like a little baby lizard minus the tail and had this little dark pulsing dot in her center. Her beating heart. There was a live person growing inside of me. You are now entering the Twilight Zone? Surprise!!!
Christmas 2005 – 21 years old: Had been back in touch with Dad since 2003, there’s a whole long story between then and now..but this is the Christmas story, so… He and Deb (FINALLY) got divorced earlier this year. He had to have surgery on his abdomen the beginning on December so we made last minute plans to drive to KS to spend a week or so with him while he was recuperating, and what makes this Christmas hit the memorable radar? It was the first time I had been to KS since I had left 6 years before (and the only time that I have been back in the 10 years that I have lived in FL.) The other thing that made this Christmas memorable is that while we were away some rats moved into our house and took over. And I mean this literally. And they multiply quite quickly. Angelina got bitten on New Year’s Eve. We had all gotten sick in KS and were like 3-4 days into antibiotics. Just in case though we called David’s mom who is an RN and has been since before David was born. She said basically the dr. would look at it and clean it and put her on an antibiotic. So, rather than rush our 2 yr old to the ER in the middle of the night (coz it’s NYE, the dr’s offices are closed and it was a Saturday night at that) we took her in on Monday morning first thing when the quick care clinic opened again. Dr. looked at it, made sure it was clean (it was) told us to make sure she finishes her antibiotic that she was already on, put some anti-bac ointment on it and keep it covered. That was Monday. Monday night, Angelina moved in with Grandmom and Poppop. Mommy and Daddy hit up wal-mart for traps and poison and all the aggressive ways to get rodents out of the house. Thursday night while I am at work, the Dept of Children and Families shows up with a Sheriff’s Deputy. It all turned into a huge mess. Ang wasn’t allowed to come home for a month, even tho within a week we had killed off all the stupid pests. In the middle of all this we discovered that we also had termites. So, the exterminator came to do the termite treatment (luckily it wasn’t the kind that u have to have the tent for…although that would have gotten rid of just about anything living in the house, I think.) DCF wanted an exterminator to come and inspect the house anyways to make sure the rats were gone. The guy said that basically all they can do is look for droppings… if there are no droppings, there are no rodents. House had just gotten rid of rats, termites and was thoroughly cleaned so we were good. The inspector came from DCF and said that there were crumbs in the toaster which was a fire hazard, there were a couple of other nitpicky things, but basically said they would come back in a week to check again and that we needed to fix that stuff before then. long story short… she came home after 4 weeks. Then we had home supervision for a few months, a few court dates, and finally 6 months later were cleared and given our lives back.
Christmas 2007 – 23 years old: I’m going to keep this one short. Read any of my blogs from 2007 and you will learn anything you need to know about Christmas 2007. This is the only Christmas (so far) that I have personally screwed up. And mostly it was the week between Christmas and New Year’s that was the problem, ending up with me telling David on NYE that I wanted to move out. Again, blogs all about this circa early 2008.
Christmas 2009 – 25 years old: Oh Christmas! Again, Christmas kinda isn’t that great this year because we have no money. Ang will be getting a ton of stuff, i’m sure. Just not from us. Which makes me sad. See, I had a mental breakdown in February and ended up in a psych hospital for a week. Abandoned my job because I just couldn’t deal. Am waiting for social security disability to be approved. (They should read my blog… it tells all about how screwed up I am) And while nothing “traumatic” has happened yet, I feel deflated. I have been having a mild depressive episode since the beginning of December, and it has gotten progressively worse as the month goes on. The meltdown commenced with “The Blog That Got Eaten” (See: Die, Live Writer, Die! or Dammit!) and has waxed and waned since then. It is now 6:34 am on December 24. I JUST realized the reason why I am still awake and have been writing all night is because I forgot to take my meds at 10pm last night. What a way to start the actual holidays of being with lots of wrapping paper and in-law’s (Although I <3 them now) and FOOD. Oh, yeah…the food is good medicine. Now if I could just sleep for a bit.
Merry Christmas!!!!!! (And I mean this for real, not sarcastically)
Now you know why Christmas is not such a great holiday for me.
Ahhh, Christmas Time! I hope you die. The 90’s
Ok, as promised, here is the very scary Jessica’s Christmas Carol.
Ah, yes… Christmases past:
These are the Christmases where something other than the norm happened (stepmom getting trashed at one of her various family member’s house)
The ’90’s
Christmas 1992 – 8 years old: I discovered there was no Santa. I’m not exactly sure what was going on because back then I was so traumatized by the fact that there was no Santa to remember if she was drunk or not. But, regardless, I was awoken in the night by a bump in the living room (which was right thru my very thin bedroom wall) so I sneaked to the door to look around the corner…and there is my dad’s GF (later to be stepmom) putting stuff under the tree with a cigarette in her mouth. I went back to bed.
Christmas 1994 – 10 years old: This Christmas was just after my mom had sued my dad for custody of me, but 6 months before it went to court. So, I went to Mom’s for Christmas vacation. Came home, Dad and Deb(stepmom) picked me up from the airport. We went somewhere to eat. It was just the 3 of us. So, we’re eating. And I notice sparklies on Deb’s finger… They got married 3 days before and didn’t tell us (by us I mean the kids). WTG, Dad! Of course, it mostly made sense that they would do it while I was at my mom’s after she was in the process of trying to get custody of me. She was married, I guess they thought it would be better if they were? At least in court. I was extremely upset.
Christmas 1997 – 13 years old: Started out normal, we were at Deb’s sister’s house on Christmas Eve. All the adults were drinking. Deb got considerably trashed, as were her sister and mother. (Did I tell you her whole family were alcholics?) So, it’s late..time to go home (which is like 30-45 min drive) We all pile in the car, Dad’s driving… we get just outside of town and Deb wants to go to the liquor store. So Dad says “It’s 12:30 at night on Christmas Eve no liquor stores are open” but did she listen? Nope. Tried to open the car door going 55mph down the highway saying she would walk to the liquor store. So, finally convinced her that she couldn’t get out of the car. We get home, go to bed (well us kids anyway). But I know I didn’t fall asleep… I know that Deb is “Santa” and I know she is completely shit-faced, and I know she’s in a wonderful mood (haha). So, not sure exactly what time it was, but somewhere around maybe 2:30-3am and I hear a thump in the living room (which is a bit away from my room in this house) And I’m thinking to myself “great!” so then, hear Dad come out…voices start getting raised, yelling ensues, Dad’s telling her to let him call her dad (who was pretty much the only person that could ever talk any sense into her when she was drunk) but she’s M.A.D. (Mad Ass Drunk) so instead at some point during all this she has a steak knife and I guess tries to use it on him. Good thing she’s drunk (irony) because her aim was off. So, 5 foot tall 100lb angry drunk woman with a steak knife..what should we do? Ok, we need to restrain her! Closest thing? Vacuum cleaner cord!!! Awesome! Quick thinking. I knew her OCD-ness about vacuuming the floors 3 times a day would come in handy. So, he gets her tangled up in that long enough to call the sheriff’s dept. They show up and have their wet muddy boots on and are leaving tracks on the linoleum floor! So she’s yelling at them telling them to take their boots off at the door and is down on the floor with a paper towel trying to clean up the footprints. They go to “help” her up to take her out to the cruiser…but she is angry! They made a mess of her floor, must.clean.floor. nevermind in doing so she is resisting arrest! Chalk one up to drunken stupidness!!! So, then everyone get interviewed. I come out in my jammies and (I think he was Sheriff at the time, not sure. His name is Gary) So Gary says to me “I haven’t seen you since you were about yea big.” And proceeds to hold his hand about 3 ft off the ground. Did I mention that when I was 3 foot tall my mom’s mom worked as the dispatcher for the sheriff’s office?
So, Deb spends 48 hrs in county jail because Dad doesn’t press charges but “We’re getting divorced. I’m sick of this shit.” etc etc etc So, she takes the boys and goes and stays with her mom for a few weeks, then she promises Dad that it won’t happen again, and they got back together shortly thereafter.
December 1998 – 14 years old. I say December because this Christmas started a little early and we wouldn’t want to confuse it with New Year’s which will be the next paragraph. So. December 4. I unexpectedly lost my virginity. mmhmm. by force. to the boy who lived in the bedroom next to mine. SURPRISE!!!!
1 month later – Still 14 years old: I get home from my mom’s. But there was still a day or two until school started again. or maybe we got a snow day. I dunno. That’s not important. So, Deb and Dad both had to work. And us kids are home, so rather than leave me home to watch them both, Deb takes the younger of her two sons to work with her. Leaving me and above^mentioned home alone. Now, in the month in between nothing had happened. If anything things had gotten better? See, starting somewhere about the middle or end of the sixth grade I got boobs. And along with boobs I got boob molestation from… guess who? that just kinda progressed to kinda something else. And that all stopped after December 4. So, I wasn’t really thinking much about being home alone with him. I mean, the first time, everyone was home, it was just the middle of the night. So. We’re home alone. We’re in his room, I think we were listening to a new CD he had gotten for Christmas (I think it might have been Creed?) and he starts touching me. And I remember kinda slapping his hand away and him getting mad. And then I remember pain and him looking down and seeing blood and telling me that I’m disgusting. And then he got up and went into is bathroom, at which time i got up, went into my bathroom and locked myself in there until someone came home. SURPRISE!!!
Christmas 1999 – 15 years old: I was at my mom’s. I had a boyfriend who lived down here who I had started dating when I was at my mom’s over the summer. Also had a best friend who lived down here that I had made over the summer. On the phone with BF and on IM with BFF, and we’re talking about the fact that I had to go home the next day (I think) And so of course I am loathe to go back to my dad’s because… New Year’s wasn’t the end of my surprises. After an 8 month hiatus during the first part of 1999, In August after I get back from my mom’s stepbro decides that things should go back to “the way they were” I guess. So, I get 1st Bf, am totally in L.O.V.E. (see previous post about flash fires) and things were looking up in August. Then I guess stepbro decides now is a good time for things to pick back up. And so they did, regularly. SURPRISE!! But I digress… So BF and BFF know about this, don’t understand why I’m so terrified to tell someone that can do SOMETHING about it. The problem is this: If I tell Dad, there’s always the chance that he won’t really believe me and nothing will change. Or, He will believe me and then tear stepbro apart limb by limb and then Dad will end up in prison. (ha) Or, I could tell my mom. I knew my mom would believe me, I knew that she would confront my dad for me, but for whatever reason I had it in my head that I would still have to go back to my dad’s. Nevermind that I was almost 16 and I was being abused. After much convincing from my BFF I told my mom. She literally bounced off the wall she was so upset. So, 2 points, I opened the can of worms that was my abuse, and ripped the stitches out of an old wound of mom’s because she was abused when she was younger. Not.Good. Mom called him screaming at him about letting the drunk and her devil’s spawn into my life. And him saying that she and I were making it up so I didn’t have to live with him anymore. I should have though of that before!!! OMG!!! If all it took was a little rape to get out of living with them, I should have cried that 4 years ago! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!! Surprise!!!!!
Ah, yes… Christmases past:
These are the Christmases where something other than the norm happened (stepmom getting trashed at one of her various family member’s house)
The ’90’s
Christmas 1992 – 8 years old: I discovered there was no Santa. I’m not exactly sure what was going on because back then I was so traumatized by the fact that there was no Santa to remember if she was drunk or not. But, regardless, I was awoken in the night by a bump in the living room (which was right thru my very thin bedroom wall) so I sneaked to the door to look around the corner…and there is my dad’s GF (later to be stepmom) putting stuff under the tree with a cigarette in her mouth. I went back to bed.
Christmas 1994 – 10 years old: This Christmas was just after my mom had sued my dad for custody of me, but 6 months before it went to court. So, I went to Mom’s for Christmas vacation. Came home, Dad and Deb(stepmom) picked me up from the airport. We went somewhere to eat. It was just the 3 of us. So, we’re eating. And I notice sparklies on Deb’s finger… They got married 3 days before and didn’t tell us (by us I mean the kids). WTG, Dad! Of course, it mostly made sense that they would do it while I was at my mom’s after she was in the process of trying to get custody of me. She was married, I guess they thought it would be better if they were? At least in court. I was extremely upset.
Christmas 1997 – 13 years old: Started out normal, we were at Deb’s sister’s house on Christmas Eve. All the adults were drinking. Deb got considerably trashed, as were her sister and mother. (Did I tell you her whole family were alcholics?) So, it’s late..time to go home (which is like 30-45 min drive) We all pile in the car, Dad’s driving… we get just outside of town and Deb wants to go to the liquor store. So Dad says “It’s 12:30 at night on Christmas Eve no liquor stores are open” but did she listen? Nope. Tried to open the car door going 55mph down the highway saying she would walk to the liquor store. So, finally convinced her that she couldn’t get out of the car. We get home, go to bed (well us kids anyway). But I know I didn’t fall asleep… I know that Deb is “Santa” and I know she is completely shit-faced, and I know she’s in a wonderful mood (haha). So, not sure exactly what time it was, but somewhere around maybe 2:30-3am and I hear a thump in the living room (which is a bit away from my room in this house) And I’m thinking to myself “great!” so then, hear Dad come out…voices start getting raised, yelling ensues, Dad’s telling her to let him call her dad (who was pretty much the only person that could ever talk any sense into her when she was drunk) but she’s M.A.D. (Mad Ass Drunk) so instead at some point during all this she has a steak knife and I guess tries to use it on him. Good thing she’s drunk (irony) because her aim was off. So, 5 foot tall 100lb angry drunk woman with a steak knife..what should we do? Ok, we need to restrain her! Closest thing? Vacuum cleaner cord!!! Awesome! Quick thinking. I knew her OCD-ness about vacuuming the floors 3 times a day would come in handy. So, he gets her tangled up in that long enough to call the sheriff’s dept. They show up and have their wet muddy boots on and are leaving tracks on the linoleum floor! So she’s yelling at them telling them to take their boots off at the door and is down on the floor with a paper towel trying to clean up the footprints. They go to “help” her up to take her out to the cruiser…but she is angry! They made a mess of her floor, must.clean.floor. nevermind in doing so she is resisting arrest! Chalk one up to drunken stupidness!!! So, then everyone get interviewed. I come out in my jammies and (I think he was Sheriff at the time, not sure. His name is Gary) So Gary says to me “I haven’t seen you since you were about yea big.” And proceeds to hold his hand about 3 ft off the ground. Did I mention that when I was 3 foot tall my mom’s mom worked as the dispatcher for the sheriff’s office?
So, Deb spends 48 hrs in county jail because Dad doesn’t press charges but “We’re getting divorced. I’m sick of this shit.” etc etc etc So, she takes the boys and goes and stays with her mom for a few weeks, then she promises Dad that it won’t happen again, and they got back together shortly thereafter.
December 1998 – 14 years old. I say December because this Christmas started a little early and we wouldn’t want to confuse it with New Year’s which will be the next paragraph. So. December 4. I unexpectedly lost my virginity. mmhmm. by force. to the boy who lived in the bedroom next to mine. SURPRISE!!!!
1 month later – Still 14 years old: I get home from my mom’s. But there was still a day or two until school started again. or maybe we got a snow day. I dunno. That’s not important. So, Deb and Dad both had to work. And us kids are home, so rather than leave me home to watch them both, Deb takes the younger of her two sons to work with her. Leaving me and above^mentioned home alone. Now, in the month in between nothing had happened. If anything things had gotten better? See, starting somewhere about the middle or end of the sixth grade I got boobs. And along with boobs I got boob molestation from… guess who? that just kinda progressed to kinda something else. And that all stopped after December 4. So, I wasn’t really thinking much about being home alone with him. I mean, the first time, everyone was home, it was just the middle of the night. So. We’re home alone. We’re in his room, I think we were listening to a new CD he had gotten for Christmas (I think it might have been Creed?) and he starts touching me. And I remember kinda slapping his hand away and him getting mad. And then I remember pain and him looking down and seeing blood and telling me that I’m disgusting. And then he got up and went into is bathroom, at which time i got up, went into my bathroom and locked myself in there until someone came home. SURPRISE!!!
Christmas 1999 – 15 years old: I was at my mom’s. I had a boyfriend who lived down here who I had started dating when I was at my mom’s over the summer. Also had a best friend who lived down here that I had made over the summer. On the phone with BF and on IM with BFF, and we’re talking about the fact that I had to go home the next day (I think) And so of course I am loathe to go back to my dad’s because… New Year’s wasn’t the end of my surprises. After an 8 month hiatus during the first part of 1999, In August after I get back from my mom’s stepbro decides that things should go back to “the way they were” I guess. So, I get 1st Bf, am totally in L.O.V.E. (see previous post about flash fires) and things were looking up in August. Then I guess stepbro decides now is a good time for things to pick back up. And so they did, regularly. SURPRISE!! But I digress… So BF and BFF know about this, don’t understand why I’m so terrified to tell someone that can do SOMETHING about it. The problem is this: If I tell Dad, there’s always the chance that he won’t really believe me and nothing will change. Or, He will believe me and then tear stepbro apart limb by limb and then Dad will end up in prison. (ha) Or, I could tell my mom. I knew my mom would believe me, I knew that she would confront my dad for me, but for whatever reason I had it in my head that I would still have to go back to my dad’s. Nevermind that I was almost 16 and I was being abused. After much convincing from my BFF I told my mom. She literally bounced off the wall she was so upset. So, 2 points, I opened the can of worms that was my abuse, and ripped the stitches out of an old wound of mom’s because she was abused when she was younger. Not.Good. Mom called him screaming at him about letting the drunk and her devil’s spawn into my life. And him saying that she and I were making it up so I didn’t have to live with him anymore. I should have though of that before!!! OMG!!! If all it took was a little rape to get out of living with them, I should have cried that 4 years ago! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!! Surprise!!!!!
DAMMIT!
I think I am starting to hate Christmas. Not like the actual celebration, or the trees, or presents or whatever... it's just SO MUCH STUFF is associated with this time of year for me. Good and bad, both of which I wish I didn't remember.
Came home from the store today and told David that "FRUSTRATION" was the word of the week. It is it is it is. I will start with today and move backwards.
Today(Wednesday): Frustrated with the dr. because of Ang's cough and meds and whatever. Then, got a call from Walgreens that her rx's were ready so i'm like "yay the allergist called in the atarax for her itching!!" Yeah, no. He called in zyrtec and no atarax. We have an appt with him Monday so we'll see what happens. Frustrated because it's 3 am and I am up and I am writing this because I am frustrated about something that was frustrating yesterday (Tuesday) but we'll get there. And then after I announced frustrated as the word of the week we heard it mentioned several times on whatever shows Angelina was watching. (She has been watching the TBN kid's channel constantly! )
Tuesday: I don't remember much what happened before like 6pm. We had plans to go out to trivia at a local wings place (Name has been omitted for geographical reasons, will now be referred to as "trivia") So, 7pm I got in the shower. When I got out there were people in my house! Stephen was over (as I knew he was coming) and he brought Crystal!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!! So that was exciting. We got to trivia and David's brother was there and these two girls who are friends from camp and is friends with the family and with Stephen and people at church and whatever. So, they only had 2 booths for like a LOT of people. So me, David, Stephen, and Crystal commandeered the next booth over so we would have enough space for everyone coz David's brother (will now be referred to as "DB") said that his person, and that person, and you, and this other person's brother was coming too. ($%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! coz I'm not having an emotionally terrible enough week as it is.)
I wanted to leave. But we brought Stephen and Crys and besides... after we sat down David said "did you hear?" and I said "I know." AWKWARD! And Stephen's all "yeah.." and Crys is like "What?!?! you don't have to tell me." and so of course I started to tell her and she said i didn't have to tell her and then David's parents showed up, thus killing the conversation. (Most of you are probably all WTF am I talking about so, read: From HERE and go chronologically forward several months, haha) So, we stayed. and we played trivia. The guys had some beer and Crys had a margarita and was extremely funny. I am glad that she came..because David kept going and sitting at the table with his parents, which was the one to the back of me. And Stephen kept going and squeezing into the 6 seater booth that was already holding like 10 people. Granted some of them are the size of small children...but still. So Crys and I were being loud and obnoxius and laughing and having a generally good time, but I kept having to turn around and tell Stephen and David to come back and stop abandoning us. Which in turn made me have to look at the back of your head. which is really insanely insane that it should bother me, but there it is. And we already know that I.Am.Not.Sane. I
So, I am sitting here, right now, 3:25am December 24, 2009 and am semi-hyperventilating over something that doesn't really even matter anymore to pretty much anyone else but me. Yeah, coz I'm not mental or anything. So, I was writing about old wounds in "The Blog That Got Eaten" on Friday. And you were one of them. Because iiiiiiiit'ssssssssss Christmasssssssssssss....
(It's from a Veggie Tales song) - See:
Oh! Santa - Silly Songs with Larry
So, anyway. I was thinking about how in songs love=flame, fire (something pyro related) And I have come to the conclusion... David is my slow burning fire, the one you curl up with on cold nights and just enjoy. A little flamey at first, but then just settles in and is lovely and comforting. That's it. He's my hearth fire. And then, I realized that every other love in my life has been a flash fire. The smoke builds up, gets too hot, and explodes, and is gone. Leaving charred remains and a skeleton of what was formerly a house (if it wasn't all burnt to ash). Fire that consumes the house, leaving it bare and in great need of being rebuilt. So. I'm frustrated. No, I am freaking ANGRY at myself for letting any of this matter. For being raw because it's Christmas.
I've gotten on the subject of frustration this last week... Let's say it started with "The Blog That Got Eaten" on Friday...and peaked around Tuesday and only has the next week to get through until next year. I want to talk about what Christmas is to me.
But, I am going to write a seperate post about this coz it will take a while.
Came home from the store today and told David that "FRUSTRATION" was the word of the week. It is it is it is. I will start with today and move backwards.
Today(Wednesday): Frustrated with the dr. because of Ang's cough and meds and whatever. Then, got a call from Walgreens that her rx's were ready so i'm like "yay the allergist called in the atarax for her itching!!" Yeah, no. He called in zyrtec and no atarax. We have an appt with him Monday so we'll see what happens. Frustrated because it's 3 am and I am up and I am writing this because I am frustrated about something that was frustrating yesterday (Tuesday) but we'll get there. And then after I announced frustrated as the word of the week we heard it mentioned several times on whatever shows Angelina was watching. (She has been watching the TBN kid's channel constantly! )
Tuesday: I don't remember much what happened before like 6pm. We had plans to go out to trivia at a local wings place (Name has been omitted for geographical reasons, will now be referred to as "trivia") So, 7pm I got in the shower. When I got out there were people in my house! Stephen was over (as I knew he was coming) and he brought Crystal!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!! So that was exciting. We got to trivia and David's brother was there and these two girls who are friends from camp and is friends with the family and with Stephen and people at church and whatever. So, they only had 2 booths for like a LOT of people. So me, David, Stephen, and Crystal commandeered the next booth over so we would have enough space for everyone coz David's brother (will now be referred to as "DB") said that his person, and that person, and you, and this other person's brother was coming too. ($%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! coz I'm not having an emotionally terrible enough week as it is.)
I wanted to leave. But we brought Stephen and Crys and besides... after we sat down David said "did you hear?" and I said "I know." AWKWARD! And Stephen's all "yeah.." and Crys is like "What?!?! you don't have to tell me." and so of course I started to tell her and she said i didn't have to tell her and then David's parents showed up, thus killing the conversation. (Most of you are probably all WTF am I talking about so, read: From HERE and go chronologically forward several months, haha) So, we stayed. and we played trivia. The guys had some beer and Crys had a margarita and was extremely funny. I am glad that she came..because David kept going and sitting at the table with his parents, which was the one to the back of me. And Stephen kept going and squeezing into the 6 seater booth that was already holding like 10 people. Granted some of them are the size of small children...but still. So Crys and I were being loud and obnoxius and laughing and having a generally good time, but I kept having to turn around and tell Stephen and David to come back and stop abandoning us. Which in turn made me have to look at the back of your head. which is really insanely insane that it should bother me, but there it is. And we already know that I.Am.Not.Sane. I
So, I am sitting here, right now, 3:25am December 24, 2009 and am semi-hyperventilating over something that doesn't really even matter anymore to pretty much anyone else but me. Yeah, coz I'm not mental or anything. So, I was writing about old wounds in "The Blog That Got Eaten" on Friday. And you were one of them. Because iiiiiiiit'ssssssssss Christmasssssssssssss....
(It's from a Veggie Tales song) - See:
Oh! Santa - Silly Songs with Larry
So, anyway. I was thinking about how in songs love=flame, fire (something pyro related) And I have come to the conclusion... David is my slow burning fire, the one you curl up with on cold nights and just enjoy. A little flamey at first, but then just settles in and is lovely and comforting. That's it. He's my hearth fire. And then, I realized that every other love in my life has been a flash fire. The smoke builds up, gets too hot, and explodes, and is gone. Leaving charred remains and a skeleton of what was formerly a house (if it wasn't all burnt to ash). Fire that consumes the house, leaving it bare and in great need of being rebuilt. So. I'm frustrated. No, I am freaking ANGRY at myself for letting any of this matter. For being raw because it's Christmas.
I've gotten on the subject of frustration this last week... Let's say it started with "The Blog That Got Eaten" on Friday...and peaked around Tuesday and only has the next week to get through until next year. I want to talk about what Christmas is to me.
But, I am going to write a seperate post about this coz it will take a while.
12.23.2009
Triaminic® Products | Chest & Nasal Congestion Medicine for Your Child’s Cold Symptoms
Why can’t I find this anywhere??? Srsly. I found it once on accident. Angelina Hates it. (Yes, with a capital H) It’s yucky, but it is the ONLY cold medicine I have found that doesn’t have a cough suppressant in it. Doctor tells me “don’t give her anything with a cough suppressant in it because of her asthma” So, do I give her nothing? Or chance it with the cough suppressant?
The doctor she saw today (not her usual doctor) tells me to “Just give her something over-the-counter” for her cough. WTF? So I ask if it’s ok for her to have the stupid cough suppressant or not because I haven’t been able to find ^above product^. He says to give her albuterol twice a day. I couldn’t figure it out. And then David says… “He meant along with the cold medicine..the albuterol will keep her lungs open so the cough suppressant doesn’t leave the mucus to build up in her lungs”
I’m glad someone explained it to me. Because I srsly I am thinking “He said her lungs were clear so why am I giving her asthma meds for a post-nasal drip cough?” Of course this was explained after I had already been to the store and had picked up some sudafed and regular robitussin (expectorant). Which whatever, it works..just means she has to take two meds instead of one. Still probably spent less than I would have to buy that one small bottle of Triaminic. And I got a big bottle of generic robitussin and generic sudafed tabs.
Anyways, I’m sure she would rather take the two meds instead of having to do her nebs twice a day. le sigh. When will life be easy?
The doctor she saw today (not her usual doctor) tells me to “Just give her something over-the-counter” for her cough. WTF? So I ask if it’s ok for her to have the stupid cough suppressant or not because I haven’t been able to find ^above product^. He says to give her albuterol twice a day. I couldn’t figure it out. And then David says… “He meant along with the cold medicine..the albuterol will keep her lungs open so the cough suppressant doesn’t leave the mucus to build up in her lungs”
I’m glad someone explained it to me. Because I srsly I am thinking “He said her lungs were clear so why am I giving her asthma meds for a post-nasal drip cough?” Of course this was explained after I had already been to the store and had picked up some sudafed and regular robitussin (expectorant). Which whatever, it works..just means she has to take two meds instead of one. Still probably spent less than I would have to buy that one small bottle of Triaminic. And I got a big bottle of generic robitussin and generic sudafed tabs.
Anyways, I’m sure she would rather take the two meds instead of having to do her nebs twice a day. le sigh. When will life be easy?
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