I feel... nothing.

Life is going on around me. I don't really care. None of it means anything to me right now. I simply am. And they simply are. Simply are here to just not let me be. Have a dr's appt thursday... maybe Dr. C can give me some insight into why I feel worse instead of better? Haven't been feeling physically well the past couple of days either. Was supposed to have my CT scan done a while ago.. have an appt with Dr. S next Tuesday. I don't know if I'll go. What's the point? I didn't have the CT. I didn't have bloodwork. Dr. C is prescribing all my meds that aren't OTC. I'm tired of being reminded that I'm sick and they're not doing anything. I will continue to see Dr. C every month because I know that even though I am not well now... I could be worse without it at all. I have stopped taking my Strattera. I have no desire to put anything more into my system that I don't absolutely need. It's not keeping me alive..or improving anything. Might be an option if I ever have to go back to work and be functional. I'm so tired. So very very tired. Wish I could sleep forever. Can't wait til school starts...peace and quiet during the day.. no one to bug me except myself. Don't want to go anywhere. Don't want to stay home. Just want quiet. Want to be left alone...if even just for a little while. Want to be able to stay in bed, and not have to shower or get dressed or eat or anything. But I have a headache. That's what happens when I think too much about staying in bed. Or if I sleep too much. The headaches. I have one now. Angelina is singing and it is driving a nail into my skull. It's hard to write about how I feel inside when no one notices so much on the outside. I'm down. I haven't gotten dressed. But I am still coherent (for the most part) and responsive. Don't want to be a burden. Feel like such a fraud when I say I'm sick. I am. But it's not tangible... It's not something you can take a blood test for. I feel sick today. so tired. need a nap.

Life Was Going Okay Until Life Got In The Way

I have not worked since February of this year. I have posted several different posts on why this is so, so I won't bore you with the details. I have had quite a setback today. I got the letter from our mortage company saying we were in default. And although it was something that we realized was a possibility when we discussed my not going back to work and waiting for the disability system to do its thing; it still throws many many shadows of my perception of reality lately. I knew that the letter would come. I had to give it to David. I CAN'T handle it. I know I haven't paid that bill since June, but I guess a part of me though that it would just go away or get overlooked by the mortgage company. So like the ostrich, I stuck my head in the sand. I feel badly for putting that burden on David, especially because I'm sure they have regular 9-5 business hours and David is working during that time. I SHOULD be able to handle this. I SHOULD do it. it SHOULD be my responsibility. But, I CAN'T do it. Not that I won't. I CAN'T. I used to be able to. I used to be the one that answered the phone calls and made call backs for bills or creditors or whatever. I handled the dr's offices, and setting up appointments, and keeping everyone's schedule together. It failed.