This is how I feel right now *in this moment*

"Slow Dancing In A Burning Room"

The usual suspects

I think if I had to do it over again I would do it exactly the same. It's October again. I'm not doing it over again. I'm praying the rain will wash away this nostalgia so I can sleep at night. So I can stop telling myself that it never happened and stop holding my breath after I say your name around him. Even if it's not you I'm talking about. I found new people to talk to, and I discovered that it's better if the L word doesn't get involved. Who needs all that attachment anyway? It shouldn't matter to me whose lips you're kissing, as long as it's not mine. So tell me. I'm fucking things up all over again. 3 cheers for my dysfunctional brain. Tomorrow I will start the pills again, for right now...I can't sleep. I don't know why he and I can't get this part right, it only bothers me at 2am when I listen to him breathing and I can't shut down. I'm being more honest and more real now that I've ever been and I hate myself more everyday. I feel like he doesn't really see me, or maybe he does and I just don't understand why he still wants to love me. Feels like I'm constantly changing but when I look in the mirror I'm still the same scared and hurt little girl I was 10 years ago. Still keeping the same secrets just for different people. Still trying to save everyone elses world while mine is crumbling down. ~You can have it all, my empire of dirt~ still trying to hide behind the lies of the insignificant being special. And the ground-shaking being mundane. Let me rock your world. The time has come for none of this to make sense. And for you to mis-understand every word. Why do I feel so much better trying to solve everyone elses problems? I want someone to solve mine.

-bestkeptsecretbiggestmistake


p.s. - when are you coming home?