I did it

i don't know whether to be scared or proud of myself
i hit submit
i posted these (not so) secret inner workings of my brain
enjoy.

8-16-07

it's a struggle to overlook
the inadequacy of others
work is more of the same from yesterday
simple mistakes that could cause big problems
we all make them
why can't i just let them go?

I'm ranting - i must be a lunatic

i can't wrap my head aroudn the fact that most people don't get th big picture of patient care.
"I can't give refills right now because I have too many patients to see - right now." - three weeks later adn still no refills.
how can you effectively treat an illness if you only treat the onset and then ignore the patient's problem unless they're sitting in the office, they could make you less busy if you'd just give them their refills instead of giving them a heart attack because they ran out of meds.

I want to help people
I don't have the stomach to be a nurse
I don't have the desire to be a doctor
I dont' have the mental stability to be a therapist

8-15-07

The episodes tha thave no triggers are the worst of all.
liek falling in a pit of despair and you forgot the rope to make a ladder.
The indentifiable triggers give you at least a string to climb back out on.


today is a hazy day.
one thing se tme off this morning
a co-worker not following through on an order- two days ago.
She could have left the message that I left and possibly already closed the order, but she didn't.
It's not laziness it's "I don't care because it still counted as a call." and she is top producer in this department.
I'm not - because I take the CARE to follow through on the orders I touch.
Unfortunately - the big bosses look for numbers, not follow through 9 times out of 10.

edit: my therapist says I hold people to high standards and expect possibly more of them than is realistic. I set myself up to be dissapointed.

counter-clockwise

I have been at this job for one year. most days I hate coming to work, but it is less frightening than starting over, somewhere new.
I am becoming resistant to change.
I am so afraid of falling backward that I refuse to move forward so I don't have the opportunity to fail.

can't buy me love

i belive that how
you see me
and how i see
myself
are radically different
most of the time

to be cliche

I wear my umbrella
on the inside
you may never know
the pain
that lies behind
these baby blues

funny how a rainy day
can make me feel alive
the sky is grey like me
but the grass and trees
are so green and vibrant
it takes my breath away.