What the HELL was I thinking? O, right. I wasn’t thinking.

I had a terrible terrible terrible day yesterday.  I didn’t sleep Tuesday night.  I had planned to sleep yesterday while Angelina was at school. Only problem – I got a phone call at 9:30 that she was scratching and couldn’t stop, and she tells me she has a cough and needs to go to the dr.  So, I got in the shower, planning to take her cream to the school and put it on her.  Got a call from David while I was in the shower.  Ang’s teacher had called and said that she thought Angelina was just trying to get out of doing her work.  David’s opinion is that I not go get Ang and take her out of school.  So, I went to the school with the cream.  She didn’t want it.  I told her I wasn’t taking her home and that there wasn’t anything more that I could do for her at home but to put the cream on her.  So, she said ok. Took one little dot and put it on one of her knuckles and said she was ok. 

So, by the time I got home it was almost 11.  Around noon I just couldn’t stay awake anymore so I went and slept a couple of hours.  When she got home I laid down again, and slept until about 8:30 or 9.  I woke up with a terrible headache so I took some Tylenol.  After putting it back in the medicine cabinet I realized that probably a big part (if not the entire) problem was that I hadn’t taken my medicine!!  Possibly for a few days.  I really don’t remember.  I have like 4 weeks worth of medication holders (like the week ones) And my last one had finished on Saturday (Saturday’s medicine was still in it) and hadn’t been refilled.  I have had a really bad couple of weeks and I guess I have just been so whatever that I didn’t think to refill my med containers.  Thus screwing up my meds which just screws everything up all the more.

So, I was up about an hour or an hour and a half then went back to bed.  I woke up about 7 this morning and felt MUCH better.  Got Ang off to school and have just been lounging.  Then… around noon, I feel like poo again.  I took my meds last night, I took them this morning, I will take them in an hour, and I will take them tonight.  So why do I still feel like this??  I almost wonder if on some subconscious level that I didn’t take them because I was feeling all depressed and crappy-like with the meds so something in there said “What do I need you for any way? You’re not helping.” and just blocked it out that I hadn’t taken them. 

I texted David earlier to tell him that I was sorry about yesterday, and that today I felt better.  Said that I guess now I know that they’re at least doing something. Now I want to know why they’re not making it all better?  They’re obviously doing something for me, but I don’t understand why there’s still so much that isn’t being covered by the plethora of meds that I take.  It should at least make me feel better knowing that I’m not taking them for nothing,  but it doesn’t.  It makes me feel like there’s so much more wrong with me that isn’t being/can’t be fixed.  And what sucks even more than that realization is the fact that I don’t like my pdoc, and I doubt that he would be helpful.  He would probably just think that I’m looking for more meds, or less meds, or …something.  I dunno. 

Not that the following is an excuse, but:  I am starting to understand why some people choose to self medicate with drugs or alcohol.  I’m not. I won’t. But I am starting to understand why someone would do that.  Coz it makes me feel like shit to know that I’m doing things the right way (taking my prescribed meds (mostly) like I’m supposed to, not physically hurting myself) and I still feel like crap.  So, I understand why some people can’t deal with that and instead choose to block it out with stuff that makes their brain mush.  Coz if you get to a certain point of F*cked up, you stop realizing how f*cked up your life is, I guess. 

I guess I’m not so far gone since I can rationally see that that is not an option. 

This post was supposed to have a point. O, yeah.  Don’t do drugs. Unless, of course, they’re the ones prescribed to you.  In that case, do take drugs… and often.  And don’t forget. 

I am expanding.

I have started many different blogs, most with the same content, but have lost some of the people that occasionally pass through and garner something from my musings, even if it is 5 minutes they will never get back.

So, to avoid anyone missing out, I am now using Windows Live Writer and will be cross posting everything across my whole blogosphere.

 

So, If you’re reading this you can find me at the following places:

 

www.rainydayrants.blogspot.com

www.rainydayramblings.wordpress.com

http://rainydayramblings.web.officelive.com

Rainy Day Ramblings on Facebook

http://falloutmommy.livejournal.com/

 

 

You can also e-mail me anytime at: rainydayramblings@att.net

Paralyzed

I hate feeling like this.  Although I’m not ever really very specific on what this is.  This changes from day to day.  Today this is physical.  I am making myself physically ill with so much stress and worry, and I’m not sleeping right.  I either sleep too much at the wrong times, or not at all when I should be.  And for whatever reason, when I feel this way I always seem to be drawn to my budget, I guess hoping that something has changed.

 

It’s entirely paralyzing.  The more money we need, the more stressed I am about it, and the harder it is for me to function.  I’m so tired of all of it.  I’m tired of waiting for a judge to decide whether or not I am disabled.

 

I HATE my new psychiatrist.  He said some things to me that may have had merit to them, but he didn’t stop to listen for a response to his solutions to my problems.  He told me that my tiredness was due to laziness.  Now, to a certain degree I agreed with him, but he just ran right over me when I told him that it wasn’t JUST that…because before I was on the meds that make me tired and I was working, I was still tired ALL THE TIME.  I can’t even imagine what it would be like to try to get through a work day feeling like I feel most days.  He told me to get out of the house… well I do.  And usually I return to the house extremely worn down and feeling like I don’t want to go out again for a while. 

 

I need to get a job.  We need money.  I don’t even know what to do.  I want to believe that I can, but then I think about how bad I had gotten when I was working.  I’ve gotten so lost inside that I don’t know how to find me.  Feels like I’m playing Operation, only on myself and I keep putting the pieces in the wrong places.  I hate feeling like my stomach is eating itself.  And like I need to be ok, because I can’t go back to the hospital because David would be left to pay the bills and go grocery shopping and there isn’t any money.  The more I try to BE ok, the less ok I feel. 

 

I don't know.  My schedule is off so my meds are off and maybe this is all just a result of that.  It shouldn’t be like this.  And it’s not even like I’m doing it on purpose.  It’s all just … wrong.  And I just feel all wrong.  My mood ring is black.  It has been black for the past 3 days.  before that it was very dark blue.  I haven’t seen green in a long time.  I always thought it was a joke…about mood rings being black..because the only colors I had ever seen were green and blue and the occasional yellowish color. 

 

I didn’t sleep last night.  I never really felt tired.  and now I just feel sick.  And I know I should probably go lie down, but I know if I do I will sleep all day and feel terrible, or I will sleep for a few hours and feel terrible, or I won’t sleep and still feel terrible.  At least this way I get to see my family.  The past several weekends have been me asleep all day.  This past week has been me on the sofa napping or watching TV.  The house is a mess, the laundry needs to be done.  But I can’t seem to get through this funk. 

 

Nothing matters right now except that there’s not enough and it’s all my fault.   It’s my fault that this happened to me.  That I am this way.  That I am not motivated enough to overcome it.    My fault that my family is suffering.  My fault that I can’t even go out and buy my daughter any Christmas presents.    and just my year that the one person that was willing to help with no explanation needed (because she KNEW)  can’t help.  My fault that I am beating myself up over it, but also my fault because I am trying to face it.  Even if that’s all I can do, acknowledge that it is there. 

 

Money.  That’s what it all boils down to.  I am afraid David will have a breakdown next.  Trying to work, and having to deal with me, and all the stuff that I’m not dealing with. 

 

So, Santa, if you’re reading this.

I’d really like $10,000 and a yes from social security for Christmas… or at least for my birthday.