So, between my last post and now I downloaded an e-book reader from Borders.com. I went there to browse for books that I wanted. I got the Vampire Diaries books for Christmas, but I already had the e-book versions so I need to return the hard copies and get something else. I am one of those people who read a novel once and most likely will never pick it up again (I think Bram Stoker's Dracula and the Twilight series are the only books I have ever read more than once) So, I typically don't spend money on novels. Although, there are some that I have paid late fees for that would have covered the cost of buying the book.
I digress, the way this was heading is this: I found a book called
Bipolar Disorders: Mixed States, Rapid Cycling and Atypical Forms
It's a $100 probably mostly clinical information kind of book. But it got me to thinking about something from my appointment this morning with my pdoc. We were discussing my diagnosis and I told her that I was diagnosed with Bipolar I (dx code 296.52) in the hospital, then after a few months of visits and medication tweaking and a review of my symptoms Bipolar II was discussed as possibly being my diagnosis instead since I don't have high high high highs where I'm burning through money and sleeping with anyone that I come in contact with, or go without sleep for days and am doing crazy stuff like mania is depicted as on TV. But there was never really a change in diagnosis, it was just puzzled over. Bring in second pdoc (Dr. Asshole) the diagnosis code was 296.5 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Depressed, Unspecified. So, speaking with Karlene about it this morning I told her that I hadn't had what seemed to be a full-blown manic episode, and she started to say bipolar II, and then I said but.... I have mixed episodes. She was funny and says "Well, you've got Bipolar something I'm just not quite sure what yet."
Here's the issues:
I get depressed. This part is pretty clear cut, no question about it, flat out across the board depression. I was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago, I have issues.
The other pole though, is questionable.
The not-depressed me is something like this:
- extremely irritable
- mood swings
- overly emotional/dramatic
- tired all the time
- did i mention irritable?
- want to be left alone
- restless - but not necessarily bored
- vocal (yelling)
- silent (cold-shoulder) - I'm especially good at this one
- have to be center of attention
- easily offended by others' inattentiveness
So, see there isn't any "I'm overly happy and I love everyone and everything and I'm on top of the world!" kind of mood with me. I didn't even realize I had mixed episodes until recently when I looked back over the past few years and went "ah HA" THAT'S what happened!!! I blamed my husband for not listening to me, or paying attention to me, or understanding what I was going through. I kinda blamed him for being blind to what I was doing in plain sight, while behind his back at the same time. I used that to not feel guilty about myself or what I was doing. I used it to justify why it wasn't completely wrong for me to fall in love with you. The attention-seeking, center of attention, restless, amorous part of me walked right into that. And the worst part? I didn't even see it. I didn't see it as the opposite (while not opposite) of my depression. I didn't realize I was elated through parts of the depression. I saw only that I was somewhat more ok. I saw that when I realized I still wasn't OK on my own and needed meds that they made me different and not in a good way. (Which I chalked up to being psychotic at the time, but now know what the anti-depressants actually swung me more visibly into mania) The issue though is this: I know it was all my brain being chemically imbalanced. But emotions (esp. love) are just chemical reactions in the brain. So why won't you go away? I almost always think of you when I feel nostalgic, or am rambling about how screwed up I am. Or it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. Maybe it's because I miss being so connected to another human being, and regret for screwing it up. But then I think if things hadn't gotten screwed up, David and I wouldn't have gone to counseling, and he wouldn't have learned how to deal with me (somewhat), and I wouldn't have learned how to better communicate to him what was going on with me. I also wouldn't have been diagnosed with some of the things that I have. Kinda sad about the diagnoses as well... the bipolar was touched on at one of the last sessions that we had with that therapist... and I didn't follow up with it when she left. I should have. omgosh this post is terribly skipping. Falling asleep now that it's morning.
"I'm hopelessly hopeful you're just hopeless enough
but we never had it at all
and the record won't stop skipping
and the lies just won't stop slipping
and besides my reputation's on the line
we can fake it for the airwaves
force our smiles baby halfdead
from comparing myself to everyone else around me"