Blog Spam!

So, between my last post and now I downloaded an e-book reader from Borders.com.  I went there to browse for books that I wanted.  I got the Vampire Diaries books for Christmas, but I already had the e-book versions so I need to return the hard copies and get something else.  I am one of those people who read a novel once and most likely will never pick it up again (I think Bram Stoker's Dracula and the Twilight series are the only books I have ever read more than once)  So, I typically don't spend money on novels.  Although, there are some that I have paid late fees for that would have covered the cost of buying the book.

I digress, the way this was heading is this:  I found a book called

Bipolar Disorders: Mixed States, Rapid Cycling and Atypical Forms

It's a $100 probably mostly clinical information kind of book.  But it got me to thinking about something from my appointment this morning with my pdoc.  We were discussing my diagnosis and I told her that I was diagnosed with Bipolar I (dx code 296.52) in the hospital, then after a few months of visits and medication tweaking and a review of my symptoms Bipolar II was discussed as possibly being my diagnosis instead since I don't have high high high highs where I'm burning through money and sleeping with anyone that I come in contact with, or go without sleep for days and am doing crazy stuff like mania is depicted as on TV.   But there was never really a change in diagnosis, it was just puzzled over.  Bring in second pdoc (Dr. Asshole)  the diagnosis code was 296.5 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Depressed, Unspecified.    So, speaking with Karlene about it this morning I told her that I hadn't had what seemed to be a full-blown manic episode, and she started to say bipolar II, and then I said but.... I have mixed episodes.  She was funny and says "Well, you've got Bipolar something I'm just not quite sure what yet."

Here's the issues:

I get depressed.  This part is pretty clear cut, no question about it, flat out across the board depression.  I was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago, I have issues.

The other pole though, is questionable.

The not-depressed me is something like this:

  • extremely irritable
  • anxious/panicky
  • mood swings
  • controlling
  • overly emotional/dramatic
  • indecisive
  • hyper
  • tired all the time
  • cranky
  • stand-offish
  • amorous
  • did i mention irritable?
  • sleepy
  • want to be left alone
  • crowded
  • restless - but not necessarily bored
  • controlling
  • attention-seeking
  • vocal (yelling)
  • silent (cold-shoulder) - I'm especially good at this one
  • demanding
  • manipulative
  • have to be center of attention
  • easily offended by others' inattentiveness

So, see there isn't any "I'm overly happy and I love everyone and everything and I'm on top of the world!" kind of mood with me.   I didn't even realize I had mixed episodes until recently when I looked back over the past few years and went "ah HA"   THAT'S what happened!!!   I blamed my husband for not listening to me, or paying attention to me, or understanding what I was going through.  I kinda blamed him for being blind to what I was doing in plain sight, while behind his back at the same time.  I used that to not feel guilty about myself or what I was doing.  I used it to justify why it wasn't completely wrong for me to fall in love with you.  The attention-seeking, center of attention, restless, amorous part of me walked right into that.  And the worst part?  I didn't even see it.  I didn't see it as the opposite (while not opposite) of my depression.  I didn't realize I was elated through parts of the depression.  I saw only that I was somewhat more ok.  I saw that when I realized I still wasn't OK on my own and needed meds that they made me different and not in a good way. (Which I chalked up to being psychotic at the time, but now know what the anti-depressants actually swung me more visibly into mania)    The issue though is this:  I know it was all my brain being chemically imbalanced.  But emotions (esp. love) are just chemical reactions in the brain.  So why won't you go away?  I almost always think of you when I feel nostalgic, or am rambling about how screwed up I am.  Or it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep.  Maybe it's because I miss being so connected to another human being, and regret for screwing it up.  But then I think if things hadn't gotten screwed up, David and I wouldn't have gone to counseling, and he wouldn't have learned how to deal with me (somewhat), and I wouldn't have learned how to better communicate to him what was going on with me.  I also wouldn't have been diagnosed with some of the things that I have.  Kinda sad about the diagnoses as well... the bipolar was touched on at one of the last sessions that we had with that therapist... and I didn't follow up with it when she left.  I should have.  omgosh this post is terribly skipping.  Falling asleep now that it's morning.

"I'm hopelessly hopeful you're just hopeless enough

but we never had it at all

and the record won't stop skipping

and the lies just won't stop slipping

and besides my reputation's on the line

we can fake it for the airwaves

force our smiles baby halfdead

from comparing myself to everyone else around me"

I Got Electric Eyes and I Can Get You High

I don’t care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I’m not around
You’re so fuckin’ special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here

Ok, so this doesn’t mean anything specific – just reflective thinking at the moment.  Listening to Radiohead (another ironic song that came up)  followed by Hawthorne Heights – Ohio is for Lovers.

To be followed up with

It Ends Tonight by The All-American Rejects. [I'm thinking maybe it just means that music lyrics mean more in the middle of the night when you're in a certain mood]

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening

I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You’re finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you’re blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

Three A.M., We Meet Again (ok, so it’s 3:48 EST)

Took a very long nap earlier today (Tuesday) was very tired around 2:30, so went and laid down for a bit. David woke me up around 7pm. I was completely disoriented and thought it was morning, not remembering that I had laid down for a nap in the afternoon. So, we’ll blame my being awake on taking a nap today. (Which, of course, is a complete cop out – If you’ve read any of my blogs you know that I sleep alot during the day and still sleep fine at night) – I also forgot to mention that this was made possible by the fact that he and Angelina both stayed home. Angelina woke up not feeling well this morning (and I am MAJOR congested, like can’t get air through my nose at ALL and my ears keep popping) and David said he would stay home so I could go to my appointment, and that he was going to take off a day this week anyways to go to the college to apply for graduation. (For a degree he completely last spring, mind you.)

So, I got up around 7pm. We had pizza and salad for dinner, watched some TV, sent Angelina off to bed. Ran a couple heroics on WoW, did the weekly raid, he continued to run heroics and I did my daily fishing and cooking quests. (For those of you who DON’T play WoW this will all be gibberish, please ignore the preceding sentence or 2) I got kind of bored just hanging out talking to other guildies so I decided to watch some videos online. Veronica Mars!!!! A few months back I discovered that they have the old episodes online and I spent like most of 2 or 3 days on the sofa watching the entire first and second season (which is all that was up at the time), and finally… after much waiting, season 3 was finally posted on Sunday! So, around 11:30 I guess, I started watching that, David went to bed around midnight, and I continued watching videos. I’ve taken my meds tonight, and I’m just NOT tired. :( So, here I am writing in my blog and listening to Emo music. The following is just what has played out of my playlist which includes almost all music I have WITHOUT all the music I have for Angelina (Enchanted ST, Dora songs, etc etc etc)

So present tunes:

  • Hate Me – Blue October
  • Niki FM – Hawthorne Heights
  • Never Too Late – Three Days Grace
  • I Want You To Want Me – Letters To Cleo
  • The Fight Song – Sanctus Real
  • Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park
  • Northern Downpour – Panic at the Disco
  • She’s My Winona – Fall Out Boy
  • Who’s Going Home With You Tonight – Trapt
  • Riot – Three Days Grace
  • Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson
  • Handlebars – Flobots
  • Soul Meets Body – Deathcab For Cutie
  • It’s Not Your Fault – New Found Glory
  • Mood Rings – Relient K
  • She Hates Me – Puddle of Mudd                               and, finally (and presently listening to)
  • Basket Case – Green Day

Funny how I listen to music a LOT, and only half the time pay attention to what I am hearing, but that one song catches my attention as ironic, only to look at my play history to find a list like the one above, which turns out to be ironic as well.  Maybe it’s just coz I have mostly ironic emo music on my computer.  But there wasn’t a single Lady Gaga song, and only one Fall Out Boy song (which is really ironic considering a good quarter of the music I have on my PC is by Fall Out Boy [ya know: their 5 albums, b-sides, acoustic versions, covers, Christmas song (Yule Shoot Your Eye Out is AWESOME)])

Hm, 4a.m.  Don’t wanna/can’t sleep.  Not really much to write about (but here I am anyway!)

I shall return.


New Pdoc Situation

Had the appointment with the new pdoc this morning.  She is actually a psychiatric nurse practitioner but for all intensive purposes I will call her my pdoc. 

So, got to the office a few mins early, none of the receptionists were there yet, I sat for maybe 5 or 10 minutes at most, and she came out and got me.  Went into her office, she was very personable.  We sat and talked as she looked over my paperwork, history, meds, blah blah.  We talked about my symptoms and she suggested a new way of taking my current medications to maybe alleviate some of the side effects.  I really like her.  She's definitely WAY better than Dr. D.  It's still left up to time to find out if she lives up to Dr. C's reputation with me.  I dunno if I like Dr. C so much because she was my first psychiatrist and she was there when I was in the hospital and was nicer and warmer than Dr. Duval who is her partner. 

So, the new med schedule is changing from:

Wellbutrin SR 200mg twice a day

Seroquel 100mg at bedtime

Lamictal 200mg 2 tablets at bedtime

Will now be:

Wellbutrin SR 200mg twice a day

Seroquel 50mg at breakfast, 50mg in the afternoon, 100mg at bedtime

Lamictal 200mg 2 tablets at  bedtime

Zoloft 50mg at bedtime

So hopefully the Zoloft and Wellbutrin will help the symptoms of each other.  And the Seroquel hasn't been seeming to help as much with my irritability so she's adding some during the day, as well as the one at night so I can sleep.  She also told me that if I'm tired when it's time to take the Seroquel to skip it.

Anyway... done for now.

Blanket Apology

So, for whatever reason certain blogs haven’t been posting from my e-mail or feeds on facebook, etc.  So I have gone and manually transferred each post across each of my blogs… with that said, some of the timelines are off.   Please excuse me for posting out of chronological order, I’m sorry for any confusion.



Edit: I’ve also realized that some of the post show up with HTML in them.  Will have to fix it one by one later.