walking contradiction

I sit here. and I don't want to be here.
I leave. and I don't want to be anywhere but home.
I made you leave. Now I want you back here. with me.

My mind keeps contradicting itself. I am the ultimate contradiction.
I have no clue what I want. I want it ALL.

I hate my job

I just want to go to school. I have been yo-yoing with going to school and I decided I just need to DO it. I want to take on a full course load and just get it over with. I even got excited about it looking at my class schedule and stuff. So, I tell work I need to cut back to like 30 hrs to be able to take my classes... I get a "there is no part-time position available, so your options are limited" so..ok...WHAT are the options? "you have to work at least 35 hrs to be considered full time still" ok..so I'll try to arrange my schedule to do that.... then i get "Well, see what you can do, but this will still need to go through an 'official' approval process based on departmental needs" so basically, I take this to mean, "no, nope, and NO WAY" because my job is SOOOO freaking cool like that. So now I am looking for a new job that will be able to accommodate me. but of course, the economy is crap, the job market is crap...so it looks like I still will not be able to go to school even though i really really want to...unless someone wants to support me for the next couple years?

Honesty is freeing

I had a REAL conversation with David today. SO many things apparently have been on both our minds and I am so glad that we got it out there. It doesn't change anything except we both understand each other's POV and realize that the other understands. And we're different, we both have considered some of the same things, but refuse to give into the madness of them for different reasons. I know i'm being cryptic, it's purposeful. I just wanted to say that I feel liberated in my marriage and although I feel stifled quite often, it makes me feel a bit better to know that he knows that I changed for him, to be better for him, and for myself. I met someone. My world has been turned upside down. But here I sit. I'm not changing a thing. I will keep the monster under lock and key. If you want to know what I mean... read Twilight. I feel like Edward with Bella... I am a vampire and David is human. I love him, but mostly I just want to tear him to pieces and drink his blood. So...I can't let myself lose control in any way, or my primal instincts will take over and I will tear him apart. Of course, it's all figurative. but a year ago, I let my control slip, and I turned his world upside down, he was ready to end his own life rather than go on without me by his side. I can't let that happen.

New carcinoid Blog

Hey Everyone,
I am starting a new blog at: http://jessicascarcinoid.blogspot.com/ related to my Carcinoid Cancer. Any additional posts on this subject will be updated there on a semi-regular basis. Thanks for reading!!




Jessica

The Saga Continues...

So I had my CT Scan yesterday (10/24) that was icky. I had to drink that stupid barium crap and almost vomited it both times. ugh. So, I had to fast since they were doing a scan of my abdomen, I drank 16 oz of the barium at 8am, and then another 16 oz at 10am and had my scan at 11am. The test lasted about half an hour because I had it with and without contrast. The test itself wasn't as nerve wracking as I thought it was going to be. The last couple diagnostic tests i've had were MRI's which were extremely claustrophobia inducing being I was a big girl stuck in a small loud box. Luckily with the CT it is more open and this time they were scanning my belly and pelvis not my head/shoulder like with the MRI's I've had in the past. I made the mistake of going back to work after my CT and drinking the barium (it was my first time ever having to do that) and I spent half the afternoon in the restroom. I think I pooped like 15 times yesterday. I wasn't expecting that at all because the instructions said that the barium may cause constipation (it is a metal) Things are somewhat back to normal today (HAHA) I will find out the results on Thursday at my endocrinolgist appt with Dr. Borchelt, unless my primary dr's office calls me in there first. My results are going to them so I may have to go pick up the report to take with me.

More info on my cancer if anyone wants answers...like I do.

I'm going to try to keep everyone updated on here. I have too many friends/family member spread all over the place and I am just too stressed out right now to keep in touch with everyone personally. I'm being selfish, but I hope that you all will forgive me. I have found some wonderful websites that have a lot of information about Carcinoid Syndrome and carcinoid tumors.

I have cancer

I have carcinoid syndrome. which is a really rare syndrome caused by a really rare carcinoid tumor in the gastrointestinal tract. cancer. i. have. cancer.

they wrote this song for me. ha. j/k

Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet

This is ME.

ENFP

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

ENFPs are initiators of change, keenly perceptive of possibilities. They energize and stimulate others through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and a zany sense of fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma. They tend to idealize people, and can be disappointed when reality fails to fulfill their expectations. They are easily frustrated if a project requires a great deal of follow-up or attention to detail.

This is how I feel right now *in this moment*

"Slow Dancing In A Burning Room"

The usual suspects

I think if I had to do it over again I would do it exactly the same. It's October again. I'm not doing it over again. I'm praying the rain will wash away this nostalgia so I can sleep at night. So I can stop telling myself that it never happened and stop holding my breath after I say your name around him. Even if it's not you I'm talking about. I found new people to talk to, and I discovered that it's better if the L word doesn't get involved. Who needs all that attachment anyway? It shouldn't matter to me whose lips you're kissing, as long as it's not mine. So tell me. I'm fucking things up all over again. 3 cheers for my dysfunctional brain. Tomorrow I will start the pills again, for right now...I can't sleep. I don't know why he and I can't get this part right, it only bothers me at 2am when I listen to him breathing and I can't shut down. I'm being more honest and more real now that I've ever been and I hate myself more everyday. I feel like he doesn't really see me, or maybe he does and I just don't understand why he still wants to love me. Feels like I'm constantly changing but when I look in the mirror I'm still the same scared and hurt little girl I was 10 years ago. Still keeping the same secrets just for different people. Still trying to save everyone elses world while mine is crumbling down. ~You can have it all, my empire of dirt~ still trying to hide behind the lies of the insignificant being special. And the ground-shaking being mundane. Let me rock your world. The time has come for none of this to make sense. And for you to mis-understand every word. Why do I feel so much better trying to solve everyone elses problems? I want someone to solve mine.

-bestkeptsecretbiggestmistake


p.s. - when are you coming home?

funniest thing possibly ever

So Saturday we go to the mall, David gets dressed and decides to wear MY Fall Out Boy shirt coz it's on top of the laundry basket. Now, this is the shirt that I wore when I met the band so I was kinda like.. umm.. trade me shirts? but he wouldn't. So we go to the mall with Stephen and Stephen and we're going into borders and these two like 14 year old girls were walking out and all of the sudden they're all "OMG that guy is wearing a shirt that says 'FALL OUT BOY IS FOR LOVERS'!?!!?!??!?!?! OMG!!!!!!!111111!!!!!! that's the coolest thing, like, ever!!!!" and are like giggling and stuff. at which point i'm all like.. haha OMG there's a GUY wearing a FALL OUT BOY shirt OMG WHERE!?!?!?!?:::squee:::: lol. nevermind it was MY freaking shirt! I wear that shirt ALLL the time and have never had anybody say anything. Too bad David wasn't wearing his skinny jeans and converse with his hair in his eyes! Oh and I think he forgot his guyliner that day too. wow. I hate Teenies. end of story. :::bows:::


Edit: See shirt after the jump:

chaos

that's where my brain is. constant state of changedness. I had a dream about you and it scared me to death. just can't figure out which you it was. I know this make no sense to anyone.

marriage

Last year I think most of my best friends either got married or as close to marriage as they're going to get in this state (because they're gay) and I almost got divorced after almost five years of marriage. how's that for ironic?

Truth.

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face. Whatever you have heard I have said is through the ears of someone else. If you asked me what I thought and why I thought it I would tell you it is BECAUSE I have been there and I have done it and I have been through it. Plus worse. If it seems like I am judging you then I'm sorry, you missed the point. I have learned the hard way that the things that have happened to us or the things that have been done to us do not excuse us from the blame of hurting others. Pick yourself up. Move on. Get over it. Bad things happen to everyone. I am very matter of fact about my life's experiences. They have changed who I possibly would have been, I can't say that they don't affect me. But don't pity me for it. Don't make excuses for my behavior because I had a crappy childhood. I am the only one to blame for the way that I am today. And so are you. Again, I am sorry if you feel judged by my words. I have found the times that I feel the most judged is when I am judging myself because I feel guilt knowing that I have done something wrong. Regardless of the outcome, most of the things that I have said to you have been with good intentions. I had hoped that you would learn sooner than I did that the road you are traveling leads nowhere except to more self-pity and loathing. Eventually you will push away all the people that were most important to you and that tried to save you from your inner demons. If you need to blame me then go ahead. In the long run it won't make you feel better. I know who I am. Do you know who you are?
If anyone else feels like this person please let me know so I know who not to waste my time trying to help. And if you don't want my help then don't ask for it.

The Drawing Board...or the Drawing Room I haven't decided

I've been feeling creative lately. Feeling a little personally motivated. I've decided I want to write a book. I keep having all these thoughts/ideas about what I should write about. I've starting writing my autobiography about a million times and it never ends well. I've become so matter of fact about my life -- past and present. I don't know how it to tell it entertainingly. So I've settled on fiction. Just need to get an outline. need to get something down on paper (or on screen) any comments/suggestions are encouraged/appreciated.

Blah

That is all.

Uncertainty

Purgatory. That's where I am. Limbo. Wishing you would say something instead of just avoiding me, hoping that you keep silent So I can pretend you died. Only...you didn't. And I don't think it would make a difference anyway because I am in love with an idea..not a person, not really. You have become the embodiment of an idea. I wish you would be my friend, like you said you wanted. And made it sound like you would feel like you could die if I wasn't your friend. Like you would go as crazy as I am going. but you seem to be doing fine. or at least like you don't need me. I still need you to need me. Just...talk to me. Let's start over, Hi, I'm Jessica, and you are? Pretend like when I very drunkenly told you I loved you, you said "I don't" Pretend like none of it ever happened. And, also I have this weird idealization of Love. Like I still love every person I said that I have loved, even if they hurt me. And everyone has a soundtrack.. that is how i remember my loves. music. I only miss you when I listen to your soundtrack. I'll make you a copy so you can miss me.

so tired

So tired, can't shut down. Do you ever feel like the people in your life would be better off if you just disappeared? I feel like that. like i'm so toxic to the people I love. Sometimes makes me crazy when people do what I tell them to to protect them. Not like I want them to do it really, but I can't expect more from them than I am willing to give to them. I am coming to this realization, it's an issue I have. Expecting more from people than they can possibly give, or at least expecting more from them that I am willing to give. I want them to sacrifice something for me, but I am unwilling to budge. Not quite a double standard, not quite hypocrisy, but borderline both. Just expectation. I should have learned long ago not to expect things of others, but I can't give up. And I am sadly disappointed over and over again, and it makes me angry. It makes me angry that the disappoint me, and it makes me angry that I get angry because I know that most of the time they aren't doing anything more or less than what I would do if our roles were reversed. but for whatever reason I can't let go. And now, instead of love all I feel is anger, and disappointment, and resentment....and emptiness. I posted a while ago about Darth Vader having borderline personality disorder... and I was just coming to the realization that I feel very much like that right now. It's eating me alive and messing things up all over again. I just wish that my emotions would regulate. I can't stand the extremes.

Simplicity? What's that?

I haven't given up yet, but I am getting tired of trying to make everyone happy and still feeling miserable. I need to be needed, but not in a needy kind of way. I feel empty most of the time lately except for when I think of certain people, and know that others will never fill me up the way I need them to for any length of time. Because I need someone. I'm running out of ideas. I feel like my brain is drying up. At the same time I am maybe more happy than I've been in a while. I want to do something spontaneous, but everything that sounds appealing has too many unwanted consequences. I so hate consequences. I miss having someone to tell everything to. But I am afraid of getting too involved. Why can't anything be simple?

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wash, rinse, repeat. will we ever get away from this vicious cycle? Angelina is in the hospital with pneumonia again and I can't help but feel like i'm doing something wrong, even if it is just passing on bad genes.

how come absence makes the heart grow fonder? and other nonsensical questions

Haven't updated in a while so I guess I should update all my TWO avid readers. Life has returned mostly to normal. David has stopped accusing me of being in love with every male person I speak of or to. However he IS still suspicious of my activities and I see him hesitate but say nothing at times (for instance, tonight when I chose to go on the computer instead of to bed with him) he thinks it upsets me if he questions me, and sometimes it does, but mostly it upsets me that I know what the hesitation means and it bothers me that he just says nothing. And while I know that the choice I made was the right one and we are progressing towards having a more balanced relationship, I can't get these impulsive feelings out of my system. I haven't really talked to my "friend" in weeks. And the lack of communication had lessened what I thought I felt. I also talked myself out of it. Or I thought I had. I feel less and less, but I read something he said and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. And it's nothing. Or at least after calming down a bit I assume it's nothing. I got mad. And I can't be mad. Why, if I don't care, would I be mad? It makes no sense. And there is my problem. I'm afraid that all the emotions that I've made sense of are going to be null and void when this absence is over. No one will know but me, but I feel guilty for knowing it, and not being able to control my own emotions. I think the only way to fix it is to cut you out. Deal with the hurt of it, put it aside, and move on. It makes me cry to say it. But I think it's what I have to do.

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Rays of sunshine. If only i really felt that way.

Home Again

I moved back in with David last night. I decided a week ago that I was ready to move back, but I still wanted the time to pass before I did it. We have been having some good talks and dealing with our issues instead of pretending like they don't affect both of us and what they mean to our relationship. David came to the realization that a lot of where we are now is his fault. I don't like to say that because it sounds like I am blaming him, we are both at fault. He is at fault for emotionally abadoning me, and I am at fault for not telling him that's how I felt, and found someone else to be there for me where I didn't trust David to be. Everything has been about trust. I stopped trusting David 6 months into our relationship because he betrayed me. But I still loved him and wanted to be with him.

Seperation

Well, I moved out of my house this past Thursday. Am staying with a friend and her husband. It is working well so far, they are great people. Taking a break has done wonders so far. David and I are continuing counseling and we are dealing with some of the issues that brought us to this point. I wish it wasn't so hard, but if it were easy I wouldn't trust it. He understands a little better which is a blessing. I just need space,and time. Time to search for what it is I feel like I am searching for. I don't even know what it is. I'm hoping that this break will enable both of us to see what is missing from our relationship and fix it, or at least improve upon it gradually. I can settle for that. I hate feeling so lost all the time. And I hate feeling like if I don't do it, it won't get done. It's just too much.

Journaling

So, David and I are going to marriage counseling. So far it seems to be going ok, although I'm not feeling too much better, and my personal issues are standing in the way I think. I don't know what I want, to be completely honest.

take me away from this place

i srsly feel like i need to go away. i almost had myself admitted to a mental hospital this week. David decided that it was my job that was making me outwardly crazy. So he said he would support me if I quit. Except, I'd still have to get a job, and that would stress me out just as much if not more than keeping my current shitty job. but I digress...

New year, maybe new life

i went and did it now. i broke my husband's heart. i can't explain it to him that him not knowing and understanding without me explaining is why i am unhappy and why it isn't working for me any longer. and when i told him that he said "please, explain it to me and i'll try to understand." he doesn't understand that him not understanding is me explaining. confusing i know. most people don't get it. there's someone who does get it. who gets me. who i had to be honest about. And i broke my husband's heart. he said he would keep our daughter. i had a feeling he would. it scares me because my dad took me from my mom, for the same reason, he thought she was unstable. my husband said I was being selfish, that i'm not thinking of her, that i'm not thinking of him. that i'm only thinking of myself. he has been thinking of himself all along and never stopped to notice how unhappy i was, trying to make both of them happy most of the time. i changed so much for him, most of my own doing, trying to be who i thought he and his family wanted me to be, and i just reached a point where i don't even know who i am anymore. sadly, this person I am in this moment, i recognize her. she is needy, she is selfish, she is self-absorbed. she feels like she should always be alone so she doesn't hurt others, but can't stand to be alone. because she feels so empty. she needs someone to fill her up, always. so if YOU are reading this, and I know you do. just know this. I most likely will break your heart, if I haven't already in some way. I don't mean to. You fill in the pieces of me that are missing. this is just beginning and already i feel so much closer to you than anyone ever before. but in this moment, i also feel like there is a gaping hole where my heart should be, because i am breaking his. and i can't go forward in either direction without doing damage. Please forgive me.