I Really Wish I Could Change My Way of Thinking

Do you ever feel like that? Like if only I could just believe that I’m fine, then I will be fine. But for me, every time I think I’m fine, the rug gets yanked out from underneath my feet. I either get sucked into the black hole of depression, or I’m hyper and talkative and flitting from here to there. And I know that I’m doing it, and that it’s going on; yet I feel powerless to change it. The weight of all that “IS“ becomes too great of a burden to bear.

A fine line between ok and not ok?

This is more of a question entry more than prophetic wisdom (haha).

For whatever reason when I was in the hospital my psychiatrist and I had some how ended up on the topic of the fact that after my mom left and it was just me and my dad that we used to take baths together. Now, I never thought anything of it. There wasn't anything sexual about it, it never made me uncomfortable that I remember. It was just easier.

Maybe...

Maybe it's just me. I feel psychotic. Like I want to hurt someone. Like I want to hurt you, because you're happy and I'm not. I don't mean physically, but I want you to feel pain when you read my words or see my face, like I do with yours. I feel the venom seeping out of my fingertips, but I can't stop it. I did this, but a part of me wants you to suffer for the mistakes we both made. It isn't even relevant anymore, and deep down I wish you all the happiness in the world. But it pushes me over the edge to see you happy while I'm miserable with myself. The situation is so different from before. I have my support. I have my plans. I have it all. Why can't I be happy too? Why were we miserable together and now you're ok and I'm not? Somewhere in there under the murky waters of my irrational and seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, there is this part of me that realizes that none of it was really real. For whatever reason every time I try to detach myself, I become so afraid of cutting the ties that I start all over again. I really believe I'm crazy. You were a symptom of my mania/depression/psychosis, but even after being somewhat more clear I have this insane feeling like I need to cling to this fragile thread that exists between us. Or maybe I hallucinated it all. Maybe I'm delusional and I made the mistake of taking it for something more than it was. I hate thinking of myself that way, but I really have come to believe that everything that was, was the result of a grand delusion, the result of me being very,very sick in the head. I don't think I want you to ever be my therapist. I may be more fucked up than either of us ever realized. Good night.

Jessica

P.S.

Is It Really Just Psychosomatic?

My husband worries about me and calls me a hypochondriac because I will take the symptoms that I have and use a symptom checker (Web MD has a great one) and then I will be like...."well...It could be this (maybe hay fever or depression-duh!) or I could have THIS which is probably what it is (Multiple Sclerosis!!!)" (coz I'm a dramatist) No, seriously. that is what it came up with. Now, in all seriousness I know that I don't have multiple sclerosis, but other possible options were hypothyroidism, etc. Which is totally believable even though I had all my blood work done 6 months ago (including thyroid test) because we were ruling out just that possibility.