I feel like I am possibly doing a bit better overall. I still am up and down, up and down. My mood journal looks like crap. I’m grouchy and irritable and TIRED ALL THE TIME and have NO motivation to do anything except sit here and do stupid stuff on the computer. I feel like I have this “whatever” kind of attitude at this point. I am stressed about money but at the same time I am like…eh. I just don’t seem to CARE about much at all recently. I just feel like maybe a shell of myself. Like “does any of it even matter?” I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to end it all. I just really don’t seem to care right now. I can’t say that the anxiety or panic attacks are gone, so obviously I DO care. But most of the time I am totally just “eh, whatever” and then sometimes it all just overwhelms me and I end up on the kitchen floor hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out. That is always fun. It’s weird, I have emotions, I am worried, I get upset, I get irritable, I get “funny” and sarcastic and witty. But I feel like I have ceased to really FEEL anything. I have entered that “empty” phase where nothing seems to really matter. Or maybe it’s just today that I feel that way.
I asked David the other day if he resented me and my not working. He said something to the effect of “not really” or “not yet” I don’t quite remember the exact words. And I said something like “that’s coz the money hasn’t run out yet, we haven’t LOST anything yet”. His response was something like “yeah”.
That worries me. I don’t want him to resent me. I don’t want him to pretend like he doesn’t. I don’t want to know if he does. I care what he feels, I don’t want him to think that I don’t care about his opinion or that his feelings don’t matter. I just don’t think that I can stand the guilt. It is already almost overwhelming, but he says he doesn’t resent me or feel overburdened by my not working. But I feel that he does or that I am or I do. But I can’t do it. I can’t face going back to work.
I know he worries about me. He worries because he thinks that I’m not doing any better than I was when I was working. I think the problem is that when I was working I put so much stress on myself to “put on a happy face” every single day that I got stuck in that rut of pretending to be something that I am not. I was miserable. I was miserable because I was miserable, and I was miserable because I had to pretend to be OK day after day after day. And I snapped. Only I did it internally. I felt useless and worthless and like I was more of a hindrance to everyone. I was not living up to the expectations that they had for me at work. I was neglecting my duties at home because I would be so miserable and just TIRED from working. Tired because of being tired, and tired from trying so hard to play pretend everyday. I know that everyone pretends to a certain extent to be more or less than they actually are, but I don’t think that people understand just how much pretending I was doing or how hard it was for me to do it everyday and make it seem “normal”. I failed many times. My depression overwhelmed me. And then of course, when I would start to come out of it and go back to work they would try to drag me down by writing me up, or lecturing me, or telling me my productivity wasn’t good enough. Every single job I have ever had this has been the trend. I am too slow, or don’t pay enough attention, or am over attentive but not productive enough because I get caught up with unimportant details. And I end up walking out. I have walked out with no notice on every job but one. The only reason I didn’t walk out on that one was because they saw me as a person. They treated me like a person. I called out A LOT. I used Angelina as an excuse. In reality, most of the time she was fine. I was not. I would just get so overwhelmed with dealing with too many people all at once. I know that I could not do that again. Not to mention that that place has changed so much since I worked there. It has gotten so uptight. I no longer think that they would put up with my frequent last minute absences, regardless of the reason. After all, they have a business to run, and an employee that doesn’t show up to work is a liability that, in these tough economic times, is not someone that any company wants to take on.
I am frustrated beyond belief. I hope that my disability gets approved this time. I was told that the chances at this point are even more slim than at the initial phase, but not to get discouraged. It’s hard not to when I look at the negative balances that are coming up on my budget.
I’m done for right now. Ciao.
-- J
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