I am expanding.

I have started many different blogs, most with the same content, but have lost some of the people that occasionally pass through and garner something from my musings, even if it is 5 minutes they will never get back.

So, to avoid anyone missing out, I am now using Windows Live Writer and will be cross posting everything across my whole blogosphere.

 

So, If you’re reading this you can find me at the following places:

 

www.rainydayrants.blogspot.com

www.rainydayramblings.wordpress.com

http://rainydayramblings.web.officelive.com

Rainy Day Ramblings on Facebook

http://falloutmommy.livejournal.com/

 

 

You can also e-mail me anytime at: rainydayramblings@att.net

Paralyzed

I hate feeling like this.  Although I’m not ever really very specific on what this is.  This changes from day to day.  Today this is physical.  I am making myself physically ill with so much stress and worry, and I’m not sleeping right.  I either sleep too much at the wrong times, or not at all when I should be.  And for whatever reason, when I feel this way I always seem to be drawn to my budget, I guess hoping that something has changed.

 

It’s entirely paralyzing.  The more money we need, the more stressed I am about it, and the harder it is for me to function.  I’m so tired of all of it.  I’m tired of waiting for a judge to decide whether or not I am disabled.

 

I HATE my new psychiatrist.  He said some things to me that may have had merit to them, but he didn’t stop to listen for a response to his solutions to my problems.  He told me that my tiredness was due to laziness.  Now, to a certain degree I agreed with him, but he just ran right over me when I told him that it wasn’t JUST that…because before I was on the meds that make me tired and I was working, I was still tired ALL THE TIME.  I can’t even imagine what it would be like to try to get through a work day feeling like I feel most days.  He told me to get out of the house… well I do.  And usually I return to the house extremely worn down and feeling like I don’t want to go out again for a while. 

 

I need to get a job.  We need money.  I don’t even know what to do.  I want to believe that I can, but then I think about how bad I had gotten when I was working.  I’ve gotten so lost inside that I don’t know how to find me.  Feels like I’m playing Operation, only on myself and I keep putting the pieces in the wrong places.  I hate feeling like my stomach is eating itself.  And like I need to be ok, because I can’t go back to the hospital because David would be left to pay the bills and go grocery shopping and there isn’t any money.  The more I try to BE ok, the less ok I feel. 

 

I don't know.  My schedule is off so my meds are off and maybe this is all just a result of that.  It shouldn’t be like this.  And it’s not even like I’m doing it on purpose.  It’s all just … wrong.  And I just feel all wrong.  My mood ring is black.  It has been black for the past 3 days.  before that it was very dark blue.  I haven’t seen green in a long time.  I always thought it was a joke…about mood rings being black..because the only colors I had ever seen were green and blue and the occasional yellowish color. 

 

I didn’t sleep last night.  I never really felt tired.  and now I just feel sick.  And I know I should probably go lie down, but I know if I do I will sleep all day and feel terrible, or I will sleep for a few hours and feel terrible, or I won’t sleep and still feel terrible.  At least this way I get to see my family.  The past several weekends have been me asleep all day.  This past week has been me on the sofa napping or watching TV.  The house is a mess, the laundry needs to be done.  But I can’t seem to get through this funk. 

 

Nothing matters right now except that there’s not enough and it’s all my fault.   It’s my fault that this happened to me.  That I am this way.  That I am not motivated enough to overcome it.    My fault that my family is suffering.  My fault that I can’t even go out and buy my daughter any Christmas presents.    and just my year that the one person that was willing to help with no explanation needed (because she KNEW)  can’t help.  My fault that I am beating myself up over it, but also my fault because I am trying to face it.  Even if that’s all I can do, acknowledge that it is there. 

 

Money.  That’s what it all boils down to.  I am afraid David will have a breakdown next.  Trying to work, and having to deal with me, and all the stuff that I’m not dealing with. 

 

So, Santa, if you’re reading this.

I’d really like $10,000 and a yes from social security for Christmas… or at least for my birthday.

Quiz Result. The True Believer

You've been through a lot in your life. Broken and bruised, you still keep going. You tend to hold promises dear to yourself. You would never lie to yourself. You believe in people and you see the true beauty in everything. Family and friends,... whether small or big, you keep them close to you; they mean everything to you. You couldn't bear to break anyone; it would hurt you the most. You don't believe in happy endings, but you do believe that there is always light to every dark; hope to every lost cause; beauty in the filth; two sides to every story. You believe that no one should be alone; you've been through that as well. Congratulations, true believer; keep being honest to yourself and others. Let no one tell you otherwise. You walk a long road, believer... Don't stop..

When Will the Underwhelm Overcome the Overwhelm?

I wish that I could be underwhelmed.  I have been bored.  I have been disinterested.  But at my darkest moments I am still overwhelmed.  I become overwhelmed with dark, with black, with sad, with impenetrable fog.  But no underwhelm. 
When I am not depressed I am “Blah.”  This is my answer almost every time my psychiatrist asks.  I need therapy.  I need a professional to talk to, to explain to, who might have, if not an answer, some suggestions at  least.  But alas, there is no money to pay the bills, so there definitely is no money to pay a therapist.  This morning while doing the budget I was seriously considering not paying for the psychiatrist and the pills that don’t really seem to be helping.
Again, I am being sucked down.  Today I go from blah to completely overwhelmed by so much that I can’t even sort out what hurts.  My chest hurts.  It feels like someone punched a hole in it.  It hurts to breathe.  So then I hyperventilate, which makes it worse, which makes me cry and hurt terribly all over again.  Putting it down in words is making me cry.  I seem to have sprung a leak.  There is no emotion behind the tears. Just emptiness.  And a lump in my throat the size of Texas that also makes it hard to breathe. 
Sometimes I feel nothing.  But I still outwardly emote.  Or maybe I feel something but I don’t know what it is so it is emptiness to me.  Maybe that is my underwhelm?  whywhywhywhywhywhywhy can’t I function like a human being?  David is tiptoeing around me… he said if I wanted to play Lady Gaga on the stereo it was ok.  That’s a big deal.  He pretty much despises Lady Gaga.  He says she is annoying. :\
I don’t know what else to say.  I love this record, baby, but I can’t see straight anymore.  Keep it cool. What’s the name of this club? I can’t remember but it’s alright, alright. Just Dance.

Polar Opposites

Recently a friend of a friend's son died in a car accident.  He was half of a set of 2 or 3 year old twins.  I do not know the kids or the mother, other than for her to have been spoken of by my friend.

I am not quite sure what train of thought brought me to it... but I was thinking... I don't understand how she could already go back to school, and out with friends (even if it was to drink away her sorrows).  She has another child to care for and maybe that plays a role in not being completely non-functional.

I said to David, "I don't understand it.  I don't understand how someone could just pick themselves up that quickly after something like that.  I would be an absolute mess."  I mean this in no way to be judgmental of this person because everyone grieves in their own way... and she has other responsibilities.  But it is hard for me to wrap my head around because I couldn't do it.