Uncertainty

Purgatory. That's where I am. Limbo. Wishing you would say something instead of just avoiding me, hoping that you keep silent So I can pretend you died. Only...you didn't. And I don't think it would make a difference anyway because I am in love with an idea..not a person, not really. You have become the embodiment of an idea. I wish you would be my friend, like you said you wanted. And made it sound like you would feel like you could die if I wasn't your friend. Like you would go as crazy as I am going. but you seem to be doing fine. or at least like you don't need me. I still need you to need me. Just...talk to me. Let's start over, Hi, I'm Jessica, and you are? Pretend like when I very drunkenly told you I loved you, you said "I don't" Pretend like none of it ever happened. And, also I have this weird idealization of Love. Like I still love every person I said that I have loved, even if they hurt me. And everyone has a soundtrack.. that is how i remember my loves. music. I only miss you when I listen to your soundtrack. I'll make you a copy so you can miss me.

so tired

So tired, can't shut down. Do you ever feel like the people in your life would be better off if you just disappeared? I feel like that. like i'm so toxic to the people I love. Sometimes makes me crazy when people do what I tell them to to protect them. Not like I want them to do it really, but I can't expect more from them than I am willing to give to them. I am coming to this realization, it's an issue I have. Expecting more from people than they can possibly give, or at least expecting more from them that I am willing to give. I want them to sacrifice something for me, but I am unwilling to budge. Not quite a double standard, not quite hypocrisy, but borderline both. Just expectation. I should have learned long ago not to expect things of others, but I can't give up. And I am sadly disappointed over and over again, and it makes me angry. It makes me angry that the disappoint me, and it makes me angry that I get angry because I know that most of the time they aren't doing anything more or less than what I would do if our roles were reversed. but for whatever reason I can't let go. And now, instead of love all I feel is anger, and disappointment, and resentment....and emptiness. I posted a while ago about Darth Vader having borderline personality disorder... and I was just coming to the realization that I feel very much like that right now. It's eating me alive and messing things up all over again. I just wish that my emotions would regulate. I can't stand the extremes.

Simplicity? What's that?

I haven't given up yet, but I am getting tired of trying to make everyone happy and still feeling miserable. I need to be needed, but not in a needy kind of way. I feel empty most of the time lately except for when I think of certain people, and know that others will never fill me up the way I need them to for any length of time. Because I need someone. I'm running out of ideas. I feel like my brain is drying up. At the same time I am maybe more happy than I've been in a while. I want to do something spontaneous, but everything that sounds appealing has too many unwanted consequences. I so hate consequences. I miss having someone to tell everything to. But I am afraid of getting too involved. Why can't anything be simple?

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wash, rinse, repeat. will we ever get away from this vicious cycle? Angelina is in the hospital with pneumonia again and I can't help but feel like i'm doing something wrong, even if it is just passing on bad genes.

how come absence makes the heart grow fonder? and other nonsensical questions

Haven't updated in a while so I guess I should update all my TWO avid readers. Life has returned mostly to normal. David has stopped accusing me of being in love with every male person I speak of or to. However he IS still suspicious of my activities and I see him hesitate but say nothing at times (for instance, tonight when I chose to go on the computer instead of to bed with him) he thinks it upsets me if he questions me, and sometimes it does, but mostly it upsets me that I know what the hesitation means and it bothers me that he just says nothing. And while I know that the choice I made was the right one and we are progressing towards having a more balanced relationship, I can't get these impulsive feelings out of my system. I haven't really talked to my "friend" in weeks. And the lack of communication had lessened what I thought I felt. I also talked myself out of it. Or I thought I had. I feel less and less, but I read something he said and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. And it's nothing. Or at least after calming down a bit I assume it's nothing. I got mad. And I can't be mad. Why, if I don't care, would I be mad? It makes no sense. And there is my problem. I'm afraid that all the emotions that I've made sense of are going to be null and void when this absence is over. No one will know but me, but I feel guilty for knowing it, and not being able to control my own emotions. I think the only way to fix it is to cut you out. Deal with the hurt of it, put it aside, and move on. It makes me cry to say it. But I think it's what I have to do.