Seperation

Well, I moved out of my house this past Thursday. Am staying with a friend and her husband. It is working well so far, they are great people. Taking a break has done wonders so far. David and I are continuing counseling and we are dealing with some of the issues that brought us to this point. I wish it wasn't so hard, but if it were easy I wouldn't trust it. He understands a little better which is a blessing. I just need space,and time. Time to search for what it is I feel like I am searching for. I don't even know what it is. I'm hoping that this break will enable both of us to see what is missing from our relationship and fix it, or at least improve upon it gradually. I can settle for that. I hate feeling so lost all the time. And I hate feeling like if I don't do it, it won't get done. It's just too much.

Journaling

So, David and I are going to marriage counseling. So far it seems to be going ok, although I'm not feeling too much better, and my personal issues are standing in the way I think. I don't know what I want, to be completely honest.

take me away from this place

i srsly feel like i need to go away. i almost had myself admitted to a mental hospital this week. David decided that it was my job that was making me outwardly crazy. So he said he would support me if I quit. Except, I'd still have to get a job, and that would stress me out just as much if not more than keeping my current shitty job. but I digress...

New year, maybe new life

i went and did it now. i broke my husband's heart. i can't explain it to him that him not knowing and understanding without me explaining is why i am unhappy and why it isn't working for me any longer. and when i told him that he said "please, explain it to me and i'll try to understand." he doesn't understand that him not understanding is me explaining. confusing i know. most people don't get it. there's someone who does get it. who gets me. who i had to be honest about. And i broke my husband's heart. he said he would keep our daughter. i had a feeling he would. it scares me because my dad took me from my mom, for the same reason, he thought she was unstable. my husband said I was being selfish, that i'm not thinking of her, that i'm not thinking of him. that i'm only thinking of myself. he has been thinking of himself all along and never stopped to notice how unhappy i was, trying to make both of them happy most of the time. i changed so much for him, most of my own doing, trying to be who i thought he and his family wanted me to be, and i just reached a point where i don't even know who i am anymore. sadly, this person I am in this moment, i recognize her. she is needy, she is selfish, she is self-absorbed. she feels like she should always be alone so she doesn't hurt others, but can't stand to be alone. because she feels so empty. she needs someone to fill her up, always. so if YOU are reading this, and I know you do. just know this. I most likely will break your heart, if I haven't already in some way. I don't mean to. You fill in the pieces of me that are missing. this is just beginning and already i feel so much closer to you than anyone ever before. but in this moment, i also feel like there is a gaping hole where my heart should be, because i am breaking his. and i can't go forward in either direction without doing damage. Please forgive me.

Christmas

Am I the only person who is awake at 1am on Christmas simply because they don't want to go to sleep and acknowledge that another year has come and almost gone? I feel so much differently now than I did a year ago. I found something interesting today. I have borderline personality disorder and this article helped me explain it to my husband who has never been able to understand. So if any of you that are reading this don't understand me then maybe this will make a little more sense: you may have to copy and paste but please read it....and leave me comments!!! http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20070521/darth-vaders-psyche-what-went-wrong