New year, maybe new life

i went and did it now. i broke my husband's heart. i can't explain it to him that him not knowing and understanding without me explaining is why i am unhappy and why it isn't working for me any longer. and when i told him that he said "please, explain it to me and i'll try to understand." he doesn't understand that him not understanding is me explaining. confusing i know. most people don't get it. there's someone who does get it. who gets me. who i had to be honest about. And i broke my husband's heart. he said he would keep our daughter. i had a feeling he would. it scares me because my dad took me from my mom, for the same reason, he thought she was unstable. my husband said I was being selfish, that i'm not thinking of her, that i'm not thinking of him. that i'm only thinking of myself. he has been thinking of himself all along and never stopped to notice how unhappy i was, trying to make both of them happy most of the time. i changed so much for him, most of my own doing, trying to be who i thought he and his family wanted me to be, and i just reached a point where i don't even know who i am anymore. sadly, this person I am in this moment, i recognize her. she is needy, she is selfish, she is self-absorbed. she feels like she should always be alone so she doesn't hurt others, but can't stand to be alone. because she feels so empty. she needs someone to fill her up, always. so if YOU are reading this, and I know you do. just know this. I most likely will break your heart, if I haven't already in some way. I don't mean to. You fill in the pieces of me that are missing. this is just beginning and already i feel so much closer to you than anyone ever before. but in this moment, i also feel like there is a gaping hole where my heart should be, because i am breaking his. and i can't go forward in either direction without doing damage. Please forgive me.