i srsly feel like i need to go away. i almost had myself admitted to a mental hospital this week. David decided that it was my job that was making me outwardly crazy. So he said he would support me if I quit. Except, I'd still have to get a job, and that would stress me out just as much if not more than keeping my current shitty job. but I digress...
i am not in a fit mental state. i don't know what that means but this week it feels like i am two people, only not like jekyl and hyde but like the calm person who sits at her desk and does her work, maybe not the best worker, but doing it anyways. and the person who is screaming and crying and throwing a tantrum and shaking like a leaf on the inside. scared and angry and unhappy and hyper and tired and weak all at once. and then i hurt. the emotional pain has been causing me physical pain much more often and i don't know what to do about it. I talked to my husband about it on Wednesday when I was in the middle of this meltdown/breakdown/splitting episode. discussed being committed. explained to him that i can't explain how it felt when i'm not actively experiencing it so i don't think i will ever get better on an outpatient basis without it starting from me being inpatient just so i can explain it to a psychiatrist when it's happening. this week it wasn't even a panic attack. i was calm. but i was falling apart on the inside. tried to say that the dr. that prescribed me medicine looked at me like i was crazy when i saw him in the office during the middle of a panic attack that lasted the better part of 6 hours. I saw him at 4 hours into it, I could barely speak at that point. He looked at me like I was insane, which made me panic more. David asked me whether I would rather have a regular dr prescribe me medicine and look at me like i was insane, or if I would rather see a psychatrist who saw me as a normal person, because everyone that they deal with is insane. Insanity is the norm. I just need to be looked at like i'm normal. I just need to be told that what i'm feeling and what i'm going through and what I'm doing isn't crazy. maybe not right and maybe not what i'm supposed to, but that i'm not really insane. Or at least that they will be there to help me through it and know what to do to help me, and not just be there for me to tell them what they need to do, because if i knew what to do... I wouldn't feel insane and people wouldn't look at me like i'm crazy.
And i told my best friend to run away. i said i was toxic. and that i've done this all before. only it's different. it's not like it was before. before i had little to lose. and now i stand to lose everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. my entire life. but i need to get healthy. i need to want and not need. which is why i need to be alone. to prove that I can be. I haven't been alone since I was 15. there has always been someone. someone that my world revolved around. and if there wasn't a particular someone then there were someoneS to keep me distracted from being alone. and most of the time even when i was in a relationship there was still almost always someone to fill in where the relationship was falling short. I don't believe that true monogamy is in my nature. I am terrified of any one person having ALL of me. I know this. it's easy to admit on paper, in a blog. I fear if I tell my husband he won't understand. because it means he will worry everyday whether or not I am being faithful. because to him, an affair means you're having sex with someone else. we both think this would be easier if it was about sex. funny how for the first time in my life sex doesn't matter. I'm sure it would eventually, but right now i feel like life would be so much simpler without it. I finally get it. and i'm scared. i'm so scared because i don't know 100% what I want. and when i feel like i do know what i want i don't know how to acheive it and it scares me.
We both act like everything is back to normal. he goes on his computer and I go on my computer. And I go to bed without him and tonight he went to bed without me. and He asked if I was ok, only I don't know the answer. I don't feel ok. but i don't know exactly what's not right. so i shrugged. and he feels like i'm just not talking to him. because he thinks i'm talking to you. i didn't tell him. i didn't tell him i told you to run away, and i didn't tell him that you haven't returned any of my messages. not that they were anything more than a frantic attempt to feel connected to you when everything is falling apart. because i don't remember the last time i felt connected to him any other way than hip to hip. and during the week when there is nothing but monotony of working and coming home and working again i pray for the weekend. and then the monotony breaks and all i want is to talk to you for a few hours to get me through the next week. and i feel disappointed when it's 3am and there's no sign that you'll show up. because it's never a sure thing. maybe that's part of the novelty. the never knowing. the anticipation of if not today, then tomorrow. i'm like the little girl that sits with her nose pressed to the window waiting for the ice cream truck to drive by. the little girl that asks daddy for a dollar and is covered in chocolate ice cream before daddy can ask what the dollar is for. and i feel, sadly, like him knowing makes it ok for me to feel like this, because either way it will still hurt him so i might as well do what i want before he catches on. i better take that dollar and run. I am that girl. I'm not the girl who asks for a dollar and puts it away for safe keeping then buys the damned ice cream truck when she's saved up dollars for years to get it all. i think i tried to tell you i could be that girl. but i think i lied. It's Friday night and I want my ice cream, ask me Monday morning and I might be saving my dollars.
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