So, David and I are going to marriage counseling. So far it seems to be going ok, although I'm not feeling too much better, and my personal issues are standing in the way I think. I don't know what I want, to be completely honest.
This week we have started doing what is called "interactive journaling" basically we are writing in seperate journals on different topics that were chosen in our session, we don't know what each others topics are and we're not allowed to read each others journals except in counseling and only then what we feel like sharing. We're also not allowed to read our own journals after we've written them, not allowed to go back and read the last entry to pick up where we left off, etc. no editing, no re-reading. I just wrote three pages worth of journal entry and i don't remember most of what I wrote, but I do know that some of it is going to make David cry, or get angry. He's going to be hurt because he thinks we're getting better, and really i'm flip flopping. He is attempting to communicate with me more which is good, but it's also making me realize how much we DON'T understand each other. And I feel like some of our attempts at communicating are actually making things worse instead of better. Because when we talk I am realizing more and more how much he DOESN'T understand. and he tries to relate it to how he feels or what he thinks and it's different, and I do the same with him, I take what he is saying and I think of what I want or need and we end up frustrated with each other and it turns into an argument. And maybe if that was the only thing I had to deal with I would maybe be able to make it work, but it's not. It's not the only thing, because we are having issues, and we are having issues with Angelina being 4, and I'm having issues with work, and he's having issues with work. And for the longest time I thought that this was all there is out there. And it's not. And because I know that it's not I want to take the easy way. And maybe i'll end up right here again with someone else, but maybe I won't. I do know that i'm tired of being unhappy with him. I'm tired of being unhappy at all. And i just DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!.
2 comments:
Jessica, I dont know you at all but I have felt the pain and confusion you have written about. However, I agree with your Mom. It took me many years to figure out that if I was unhappy it was my responsability to change it. That didn't mean leave my husband or break up my family. Because doing that does not fix your heart or your mind. That's depending on a geographical cure which never works because you are taking yourself along.
I know what helped me was to start focusing on the the things that I fell in love with in my husband. I had to start being grateful for him working so hard, being good to our kids, not being an addict of some sort, being polite, clean, etc. All those things may seem trival but believe me they are not.
I think journaling is great but maybe try making a gratitude list every night too. List 5 things you are grateful for and every night add a new one.
No one said life, marriage, parenting, would be easy because if they did they would be lying.
Do not give up on what you and David created, for a fantasy because that is just what it is,a fairytale.
Being true to yourself or who you want to be, it doesnt mean divorce or being commited. It means you have to try new things and decide what you like and dont like. People will like you for who you are. Don't try to be someone else to please family and friends.
Yes maybe you are young and feeling a little resentful because you aren't as free as you would like but thats life-you have a husband and a daughter, that is priceless. Just think when your daughter is 18 you will still be young and you and David can be a little more carefree, but now is not the time.
One more thing.. Never forget this.... David will never ever understand you. Because you are female and he is male. He will try because he loves you but he won't be able to. That is a simple fact.
Try reading a couple of Dr. Laura's books she is tough, but she says it like it is.
Don't be so hard on yourself or David. How can he help you if you aren't sure what help is needed?
Never leave your husband and break up your daughter's family because you think someone else understands you better or fills in the holes in your heart. You have to do that for yourself and then and only then will you be at peace.
Take care.. If you ever want to email me to hash something over please feel free to.
Remember you are a young women, a mom, a wife, an employee, a daughter, daughter in law, etc.. You have hormones and PMS. It is perfectly sane to be a little insane-that's normal :)!
Julie
Jess, I read your blogs and feel the complexity of your emotions eminating through your words. Child you are blessedwith being able to write so eloquently. Perhaps this is your true calling, I don't know.
I do know that you need to find a counselor who understands that your issues are not what you seem to think they are. Your issue isn't David, or this other person, or your dissatisfaction with your job.It goes much deeper than that. The problem presented is rarely the true problem sweetie. It is time to get to the root of this unhappiness. Cure it, and the rest will fall into place.
The greatest gift you can give yourself and your children is to have good health, mental and physical. Once you are healthy, you can see how the rest will all work out just fine.
I love you sweetie!
LaShelle
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