Journaling

So, David and I are going to marriage counseling. So far it seems to be going ok, although I'm not feeling too much better, and my personal issues are standing in the way I think. I don't know what I want, to be completely honest.

take me away from this place

i srsly feel like i need to go away. i almost had myself admitted to a mental hospital this week. David decided that it was my job that was making me outwardly crazy. So he said he would support me if I quit. Except, I'd still have to get a job, and that would stress me out just as much if not more than keeping my current shitty job. but I digress...

New year, maybe new life

i went and did it now. i broke my husband's heart. i can't explain it to him that him not knowing and understanding without me explaining is why i am unhappy and why it isn't working for me any longer. and when i told him that he said "please, explain it to me and i'll try to understand." he doesn't understand that him not understanding is me explaining. confusing i know. most people don't get it. there's someone who does get it. who gets me. who i had to be honest about. And i broke my husband's heart. he said he would keep our daughter. i had a feeling he would. it scares me because my dad took me from my mom, for the same reason, he thought she was unstable. my husband said I was being selfish, that i'm not thinking of her, that i'm not thinking of him. that i'm only thinking of myself. he has been thinking of himself all along and never stopped to notice how unhappy i was, trying to make both of them happy most of the time. i changed so much for him, most of my own doing, trying to be who i thought he and his family wanted me to be, and i just reached a point where i don't even know who i am anymore. sadly, this person I am in this moment, i recognize her. she is needy, she is selfish, she is self-absorbed. she feels like she should always be alone so she doesn't hurt others, but can't stand to be alone. because she feels so empty. she needs someone to fill her up, always. so if YOU are reading this, and I know you do. just know this. I most likely will break your heart, if I haven't already in some way. I don't mean to. You fill in the pieces of me that are missing. this is just beginning and already i feel so much closer to you than anyone ever before. but in this moment, i also feel like there is a gaping hole where my heart should be, because i am breaking his. and i can't go forward in either direction without doing damage. Please forgive me.

Christmas

Am I the only person who is awake at 1am on Christmas simply because they don't want to go to sleep and acknowledge that another year has come and almost gone? I feel so much differently now than I did a year ago. I found something interesting today. I have borderline personality disorder and this article helped me explain it to my husband who has never been able to understand. So if any of you that are reading this don't understand me then maybe this will make a little more sense: you may have to copy and paste but please read it....and leave me comments!!! http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20070521/darth-vaders-psyche-what-went-wrong

it is what it is, take it at face value

December 23, 2007

I have to attempt to put these words down on paper so maybe they’ll leave my head alone. I’m terrified. Terrified I’m going to do something incredibly stupid because my brain refuses to function like it should. This has been an emotionally distressing year. Funny thing is nothing externally much has been going on to make me FEEL like I do. I feel like I hate my life and I want to start over and like all the major decision I’ve made should be undone. I want to be able to say it’s over if I feel like it and not destroy someone’s life in the process. And by that person I mean my child. My precious, sweet, demonic child.