Truth.

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face. Whatever you have heard I have said is through the ears of someone else. If you asked me what I thought and why I thought it I would tell you it is BECAUSE I have been there and I have done it and I have been through it. Plus worse. If it seems like I am judging you then I'm sorry, you missed the point. I have learned the hard way that the things that have happened to us or the things that have been done to us do not excuse us from the blame of hurting others. Pick yourself up. Move on. Get over it. Bad things happen to everyone. I am very matter of fact about my life's experiences. They have changed who I possibly would have been, I can't say that they don't affect me. But don't pity me for it. Don't make excuses for my behavior because I had a crappy childhood. I am the only one to blame for the way that I am today. And so are you. Again, I am sorry if you feel judged by my words. I have found the times that I feel the most judged is when I am judging myself because I feel guilt knowing that I have done something wrong. Regardless of the outcome, most of the things that I have said to you have been with good intentions. I had hoped that you would learn sooner than I did that the road you are traveling leads nowhere except to more self-pity and loathing. Eventually you will push away all the people that were most important to you and that tried to save you from your inner demons. If you need to blame me then go ahead. In the long run it won't make you feel better. I know who I am. Do you know who you are?
If anyone else feels like this person please let me know so I know who not to waste my time trying to help. And if you don't want my help then don't ask for it.

The Drawing Board...or the Drawing Room I haven't decided

I've been feeling creative lately. Feeling a little personally motivated. I've decided I want to write a book. I keep having all these thoughts/ideas about what I should write about. I've starting writing my autobiography about a million times and it never ends well. I've become so matter of fact about my life -- past and present. I don't know how it to tell it entertainingly. So I've settled on fiction. Just need to get an outline. need to get something down on paper (or on screen) any comments/suggestions are encouraged/appreciated.

Blah

That is all.

Uncertainty

Purgatory. That's where I am. Limbo. Wishing you would say something instead of just avoiding me, hoping that you keep silent So I can pretend you died. Only...you didn't. And I don't think it would make a difference anyway because I am in love with an idea..not a person, not really. You have become the embodiment of an idea. I wish you would be my friend, like you said you wanted. And made it sound like you would feel like you could die if I wasn't your friend. Like you would go as crazy as I am going. but you seem to be doing fine. or at least like you don't need me. I still need you to need me. Just...talk to me. Let's start over, Hi, I'm Jessica, and you are? Pretend like when I very drunkenly told you I loved you, you said "I don't" Pretend like none of it ever happened. And, also I have this weird idealization of Love. Like I still love every person I said that I have loved, even if they hurt me. And everyone has a soundtrack.. that is how i remember my loves. music. I only miss you when I listen to your soundtrack. I'll make you a copy so you can miss me.

so tired

So tired, can't shut down. Do you ever feel like the people in your life would be better off if you just disappeared? I feel like that. like i'm so toxic to the people I love. Sometimes makes me crazy when people do what I tell them to to protect them. Not like I want them to do it really, but I can't expect more from them than I am willing to give to them. I am coming to this realization, it's an issue I have. Expecting more from people than they can possibly give, or at least expecting more from them that I am willing to give. I want them to sacrifice something for me, but I am unwilling to budge. Not quite a double standard, not quite hypocrisy, but borderline both. Just expectation. I should have learned long ago not to expect things of others, but I can't give up. And I am sadly disappointed over and over again, and it makes me angry. It makes me angry that the disappoint me, and it makes me angry that I get angry because I know that most of the time they aren't doing anything more or less than what I would do if our roles were reversed. but for whatever reason I can't let go. And now, instead of love all I feel is anger, and disappointment, and resentment....and emptiness. I posted a while ago about Darth Vader having borderline personality disorder... and I was just coming to the realization that I feel very much like that right now. It's eating me alive and messing things up all over again. I just wish that my emotions would regulate. I can't stand the extremes.