Head Like A Hole

I figured it would be simpler to just update everyone this way. On February 26, 2009 I admitted myself to Port Saint Lucie Hospital (psychiatric facility) for extreme depression and planning my own suicide. I had a bottle of about 200 Ativan in hand ready to swallow, instead I put them back in the bottle and picked up the phone and called my husband to meet me at the hospital. I was to the point that I felt my family would be better off without me. My episodes of depression have been getting significantly worse and previously I had thought of killing myself but never actually made a plan and mostly put that plan into action. I spent 8 days in the hospital, have found a wonderful psychiatrist, and have been officially diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. My psychiatrist has increased my Zoloft to 150mg and has added Lamictal and Seroquel that we are currently tapering up... right now I am taking 50mg of both, which is a very little and probably why I still feel like crap. I have been home for almost a week and I still feel very depressed, but no longer suicidal. I am dreading going back to work, if I even still have a job. I am having trouble coping with just BEING at the moment, let alone being productive or on task. And I get panicked just thinking about the discussion I will have to have with my supervisors if I do return. I can't cope.

Black - I am leaving today

the black is closing in again

rubber band ribs

stretched to the point of snapping

can't get the air to go in or out again

each breath is like torture

each thought jumbled

racing from here to there

concentration is a dim memory

feel like i'm floating

transient consciousness in a body

that isn't really there

the fog won't lift

surrounded by shadow

surrounded by the overwhelming need

to self-destruct

shut down as if I were a machine

I keep trying to go through the motions

mind says 'shut it out, succumb to the black'

fighting myself

fighting routine

keep trying to fight the urge to run

want to be away from it all

if I could just see the end

the light might become bigger

but the light isn't there

anywhere

dark keeps sucking me in

enveloping

consuming rationality

screaming screaming

leave, just leave me.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Can't move forward

can't shuffle back

its not me

my mind has a mind of its own

keep me in a cage

heart racing

trying to find a way through the darkness

I am being swallowed whole

gulp.

heart fluttering inside the rib cage

caged. trying to be free

the drugs bring no relief

just encourage me to give in

to shut down as my mind commands

I want to let it take over

take me away

thoughts taking flight.

I can't stand it

giving in

going home

shut. down.

Insight/ Dreams

I have been feeling insightful lately, or maybe it's just being stuck home sick and achy and feverish with a sick, achy, and feverish family. I had some pretty weird dreams lately and at the moment I can't remember what they were about, but I woke up yesterday morning thinking that I needed to write down what I had figured out in my very plentiful dreams (and not a lot of real sleep) but alas, I didn't do it. Funny thing is I missed class on Tuesday and when I went to class this morning part of my personality class was about Alfred Adler's interpretation of what dreams mean. He believed that our dreams were a window into our future, a way for us to gain insight and solve problems that are happening presently or in the future. This theory differed greatly from Sigmund Freud's interpreation - He believed that our dreams were a direct representation of things that happened to us in the past that we had repressed. I find both theories quite interesting as I have had dreams that related or accomplished both (though not in the same dream, that I remember anyways)

class schedule

classes start tomorrow. excited. here's the schedule:

tuesday and thursdays 8:00-9:15: american history
9:30-10:45 intermediate algebra
11:00-12:15 personality development. <--- I am super excited about this one

walking contradiction

I sit here. and I don't want to be here.
I leave. and I don't want to be anywhere but home.
I made you leave. Now I want you back here. with me.

My mind keeps contradicting itself. I am the ultimate contradiction.
I have no clue what I want. I want it ALL.