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wash, rinse, repeat. will we ever get away from this vicious cycle? Angelina is in the hospital with pneumonia again and I can't help but feel like i'm doing something wrong, even if it is just passing on bad genes.

how come absence makes the heart grow fonder? and other nonsensical questions

Haven't updated in a while so I guess I should update all my TWO avid readers. Life has returned mostly to normal. David has stopped accusing me of being in love with every male person I speak of or to. However he IS still suspicious of my activities and I see him hesitate but say nothing at times (for instance, tonight when I chose to go on the computer instead of to bed with him) he thinks it upsets me if he questions me, and sometimes it does, but mostly it upsets me that I know what the hesitation means and it bothers me that he just says nothing. And while I know that the choice I made was the right one and we are progressing towards having a more balanced relationship, I can't get these impulsive feelings out of my system. I haven't really talked to my "friend" in weeks. And the lack of communication had lessened what I thought I felt. I also talked myself out of it. Or I thought I had. I feel less and less, but I read something he said and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. And it's nothing. Or at least after calming down a bit I assume it's nothing. I got mad. And I can't be mad. Why, if I don't care, would I be mad? It makes no sense. And there is my problem. I'm afraid that all the emotions that I've made sense of are going to be null and void when this absence is over. No one will know but me, but I feel guilty for knowing it, and not being able to control my own emotions. I think the only way to fix it is to cut you out. Deal with the hurt of it, put it aside, and move on. It makes me cry to say it. But I think it's what I have to do.

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Rays of sunshine. If only i really felt that way.

Home Again

I moved back in with David last night. I decided a week ago that I was ready to move back, but I still wanted the time to pass before I did it. We have been having some good talks and dealing with our issues instead of pretending like they don't affect both of us and what they mean to our relationship. David came to the realization that a lot of where we are now is his fault. I don't like to say that because it sounds like I am blaming him, we are both at fault. He is at fault for emotionally abadoning me, and I am at fault for not telling him that's how I felt, and found someone else to be there for me where I didn't trust David to be. Everything has been about trust. I stopped trusting David 6 months into our relationship because he betrayed me. But I still loved him and wanted to be with him.

Seperation

Well, I moved out of my house this past Thursday. Am staying with a friend and her husband. It is working well so far, they are great people. Taking a break has done wonders so far. David and I are continuing counseling and we are dealing with some of the issues that brought us to this point. I wish it wasn't so hard, but if it were easy I wouldn't trust it. He understands a little better which is a blessing. I just need space,and time. Time to search for what it is I feel like I am searching for. I don't even know what it is. I'm hoping that this break will enable both of us to see what is missing from our relationship and fix it, or at least improve upon it gradually. I can settle for that. I hate feeling so lost all the time. And I hate feeling like if I don't do it, it won't get done. It's just too much.