it is what it is, take it at face value

December 23, 2007

I have to attempt to put these words down on paper so maybe they’ll leave my head alone. I’m terrified. Terrified I’m going to do something incredibly stupid because my brain refuses to function like it should. This has been an emotionally distressing year. Funny thing is nothing externally much has been going on to make me FEEL like I do. I feel like I hate my life and I want to start over and like all the major decision I’ve made should be undone. I want to be able to say it’s over if I feel like it and not destroy someone’s life in the process. And by that person I mean my child. My precious, sweet, demonic child.

i'm ridiculous

that last post was atrocious. I translated it into English with the same program I used to translate it to French and it is incomprehensible. Never mind. It was about not being understood even when you speak the same language. I want something to concentrate on besides my insanity. Who ever gives me this for an extended period of time I could easily love forever.

les mots i n'indiqueront dehors jamais fort

Je rends celui-ci difficile. Si vous voulez le lire trouvaille un poisson de Babel : www.babelfish.yahoo.com


le point sur ceci est que vous pouvez parler la même langue que quelqu'un sans elles jamais arrangement un mot vous disent. Je me sens comme le ce la plupart des jours. Comme je ne suis pas compris. Et d'autres fois, vous pouvez dire que peu de mots et d'autres juste obtenez-lui. Il est tout que je veux. être compris au moins soixante-dix cinq pour cent du temps. peut-être faire ainsi me ferait l'ordinaire, qui je certainement AM pas, même une bonne journée. Est-ce qu'ainsi comment j'aborde être plus ordinaire ? mon esprit ne semble pas fonctionner comme others' ;. Je ne peux pas le fermer au loin si j'essaye. J'ai besoin de conseil. un bon nombre de lui. quelqu'un pour me donner quelque chose penser sans compter que la façon dont gâché moi suis. donnez-moi le but où je n'en ai aucun. un charger qui prendra une éternité pour accomplir, mais ne laissera jamais moi alésé, ou le sentiment accablé par la profondeur de l'impossibilité du charger. et ainsi vous savez, c'est en français. Je m'ennuie. économiser moi veuillez.

Bury Me In Memory

can't seem to get my thoughts together too well these days. My mind is going in so many random directions I can't totally seem to keep up. Had an eventful weekend. A good one. A bad one. cried. did some soul searching. laughed. obsessed. planned. felt a new emotion. experienced an old emotion that shouldn't be there. cried. laughed. looked someone in the eye. was shy. was loud. was awkward but felt strangely fulfilled. baked. ate ice cream. vegged. slept. stayed up all night. shopped. met a beautiful woman. fell in love. got my heart broken. got butterflies. scared someone. comforted someone. gave advice. took advice. wished. admired a full moon. dreamed. came to the realization (again) that nothing is truly as permanent as it seems. discovered the expected can come at unexpected times. evaded. told the truth. told a lie. fooled myself. I will continue to do so. can't give up, and can't give in. to do so would destroy everything. feel like spontaneously combusting just so it's not building inside me anymore. feel like i'm suffocating. waiting for the pills to steady my system. waiting. waiting...

Happy Anniversary

So yesterday David and I celebrated being together for SIX years. I was thinking on it, we didn't really do anything spectacular last year for five years and I realized it's because at six years we hit the 5 year mark and kept going. Yesterday was 5 years since we got engaged, five years since we fully commited to each other. In another week or so we will pass the 5 year point where Angelina came to be. I'm happy, but I'm also kind of melancholy...like..."this is it?" I'm 23...and this is it. I'm not unhappy per se... in the past month or so have been probably at one of the happiest points in my life...but it didn't revolve around my family or my husband. It revolved around ME. and then i got sad because I decided I want to go to college. I want to DO something with my life besides work a mediocre job that I hate that barely pays the bills and spend most evenings either watching TV or surfing the internet and being annoyed at my husband and my daughter. My daughter for paying too much attention to me and my husband for not paying ENOUGH attention to me. And it just makes me think. I could be doing anything I wanted to, I could go to school and live in a dorm and just worry about getting good grades and not about whether me furthering my education was going to make us lose our house. I can get money to go to school. I can't get money to not work to be able to go to school and still pay the bills. And i'd really like to be able to finish my degree and get a job before Angelina graduates. I don't want a 6 year degree to take me 12 years to complete. I also don't want to miss out on my daughter growing up. So everyone please pray that something presents itself to make it all possible.