Blog Spam!

So, between my last post and now I downloaded an e-book reader from Borders.com.  I went there to browse for books that I wanted.  I got the Vampire Diaries books for Christmas, but I already had the e-book versions so I need to return the hard copies and get something else.  I am one of those people who read a novel once and most likely will never pick it up again (I think Bram Stoker's Dracula and the Twilight series are the only books I have ever read more than once)  So, I typically don't spend money on novels.  Although, there are some that I have paid late fees for that would have covered the cost of buying the book.

I digress, the way this was heading is this:  I found a book called

Bipolar Disorders: Mixed States, Rapid Cycling and Atypical Forms

It's a $100 probably mostly clinical information kind of book.  But it got me to thinking about something from my appointment this morning with my pdoc.  We were discussing my diagnosis and I told her that I was diagnosed with Bipolar I (dx code 296.52) in the hospital, then after a few months of visits and medication tweaking and a review of my symptoms Bipolar II was discussed as possibly being my diagnosis instead since I don't have high high high highs where I'm burning through money and sleeping with anyone that I come in contact with, or go without sleep for days and am doing crazy stuff like mania is depicted as on TV.   But there was never really a change in diagnosis, it was just puzzled over.  Bring in second pdoc (Dr. Asshole)  the diagnosis code was 296.5 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Depressed, Unspecified.    So, speaking with Karlene about it this morning I told her that I hadn't had what seemed to be a full-blown manic episode, and she started to say bipolar II, and then I said but.... I have mixed episodes.  She was funny and says "Well, you've got Bipolar something I'm just not quite sure what yet."

Here's the issues:

I get depressed.  This part is pretty clear cut, no question about it, flat out across the board depression.  I was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago, I have issues.

The other pole though, is questionable.

The not-depressed me is something like this:

• extremely irritable
• anxious/panicky
• mood swings
• controlling
• overly emotional/dramatic
• indecisive
• hyper
• tired all the time
• cranky
• stand-offish
• amorous
• did i mention irritable?
• sleepy
• want to be left alone
• crowded
• restless - but not necessarily bored
• controlling
• attention-seeking
• vocal (yelling)
• silent (cold-shoulder) - I'm especially good at this one
• demanding
• manipulative
• have to be center of attention
• easily offended by others' inattentiveness
• AWESOME

So, see there isn't any "I'm overly happy and I love everyone and everything and I'm on top of the world!" kind of mood with me.   I didn't even realize I had mixed episodes until recently when I looked back over the past few years and went "ah HA"   THAT'S what happened!!!   I blamed my husband for not listening to me, or paying attention to me, or understanding what I was going through.  I kinda blamed him for being blind to what I was doing in plain sight, while behind his back at the same time.  I used that to not feel guilty about myself or what I was doing.  I used it to justify why it wasn't completely wrong for me to fall in love with you.  The attention-seeking, center of attention, restless, amorous part of me walked right into that.  And the worst part?  I didn't even see it.  I didn't see it as the opposite (while not opposite) of my depression.  I didn't realize I was elated through parts of the depression.  I saw only that I was somewhat more ok.  I saw that when I realized I still wasn't OK on my own and needed meds that they made me different and not in a good way. (Which I chalked up to being psychotic at the time, but now know what the anti-depressants actually swung me more visibly into mania)    The issue though is this:  I know it was all my brain being chemically imbalanced.  But emotions (esp. love) are just chemical reactions in the brain.  So why won't you go away?  I almost always think of you when I feel nostalgic, or am rambling about how screwed up I am.  Or it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep.  Maybe it's because I miss being so connected to another human being, and regret for screwing it up.  But then I think if things hadn't gotten screwed up, David and I wouldn't have gone to counseling, and he wouldn't have learned how to deal with me (somewhat), and I wouldn't have learned how to better communicate to him what was going on with me.  I also wouldn't have been diagnosed with some of the things that I have.  Kinda sad about the diagnoses as well... the bipolar was touched on at one of the last sessions that we had with that therapist... and I didn't follow up with it when she left.  I should have.  omgosh this post is terribly skipping.  Falling asleep now that it's morning.

"I'm hopelessly hopeful you're just hopeless enough

but we never had it at all

and the record won't stop skipping

and the lies just won't stop slipping

and besides my reputation's on the line

we can fake it for the airwaves

force our smiles baby halfdead

from comparing myself to everyone else around me"

I Got Electric Eyes and I Can Get You High

I don’t care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I’m not around
You’re so fuckin’ special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here…

Ok, so this doesn’t mean anything specific – just reflective thinking at the moment.  Listening to Radiohead (another ironic song that came up)  followed by Hawthorne Heights – Ohio is for Lovers.

To be followed up with

It Ends Tonight by The All-American Rejects. [I'm thinking maybe it just means that music lyrics mean more in the middle of the night when you're in a certain mood]

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You’re finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you’re blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

Three A.M., We Meet Again (ok, so it’s 3:48 EST)

Took a very long nap earlier today (Tuesday) was very tired around 2:30, so went and laid down for a bit. David woke me up around 7pm. I was completely disoriented and thought it was morning, not remembering that I had laid down for a nap in the afternoon. So, we’ll blame my being awake on taking a nap today. (Which, of course, is a complete cop out – If you’ve read any of my blogs you know that I sleep alot during the day and still sleep fine at night) – I also forgot to mention that this was made possible by the fact that he and Angelina both stayed home. Angelina woke up not feeling well this morning (and I am MAJOR congested, like can’t get air through my nose at ALL and my ears keep popping) and David said he would stay home so I could go to my appointment, and that he was going to take off a day this week anyways to go to the college to apply for graduation. (For a degree he completely last spring, mind you.)

So, I got up around 7pm. We had pizza and salad for dinner, watched some TV, sent Angelina off to bed. Ran a couple heroics on WoW, did the weekly raid, he continued to run heroics and I did my daily fishing and cooking quests. (For those of you who DON’T play WoW this will all be gibberish, please ignore the preceding sentence or 2) I got kind of bored just hanging out talking to other guildies so I decided to watch some videos online. Veronica Mars!!!! A few months back I discovered that they have the old episodes online and I spent like most of 2 or 3 days on the sofa watching the entire first and second season (which is all that was up at the time), and finally… after much waiting, season 3 was finally posted on Sunday! So, around 11:30 I guess, I started watching that, David went to bed around midnight, and I continued watching videos. I’ve taken my meds tonight, and I’m just NOT tired. So, here I am writing in my blog and listening to Emo music. The following is just what has played out of my playlist which includes almost all music I have WITHOUT all the music I have for Angelina (Enchanted ST, Dora songs, etc etc etc)

So present tunes:

• Hate Me – Blue October
• Niki FM – Hawthorne Heights
• Never Too Late – Three Days Grace
• I Want You To Want Me – Letters To Cleo
• The Fight Song – Sanctus Real
• Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park
• Northern Downpour – Panic at the Disco
• She’s My Winona – Fall Out Boy
• Who’s Going Home With You Tonight – Trapt
• Riot – Three Days Grace
• Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson
• Handlebars – Flobots
• Soul Meets Body – Deathcab For Cutie
• It’s Not Your Fault – New Found Glory
• Mood Rings – Relient K
• She Hates Me – Puddle of Mudd                               and, finally (and presently listening to)
• Basket Case – Green Day

Funny how I listen to music a LOT, and only half the time pay attention to what I am hearing, but that one song catches my attention as ironic, only to look at my play history to find a list like the one above, which turns out to be ironic as well.  Maybe it’s just coz I have mostly ironic emo music on my computer.  But there wasn’t a single Lady Gaga song, and only one Fall Out Boy song (which is really ironic considering a good quarter of the music I have on my PC is by Fall Out Boy [ya know: their 5 albums, b-sides, acoustic versions, covers, Christmas song (Yule Shoot Your Eye Out is AWESOME)])

Hm, 4a.m.  Don’t wanna/can’t sleep.  Not really much to write about (but here I am anyway!)

I shall return.

New Pdoc Situation

Had the appointment with the new pdoc this morning.  She is actually a psychiatric nurse practitioner but for all intensive purposes I will call her my pdoc. 

So, got to the office a few mins early, none of the receptionists were there yet, I sat for maybe 5 or 10 minutes at most, and she came out and got me.  Went into her office, she was very personable.  We sat and talked as she looked over my paperwork, history, meds, blah blah.  We talked about my symptoms and she suggested a new way of taking my current medications to maybe alleviate some of the side effects.  I really like her.  She's definitely WAY better than Dr. D.  It's still left up to time to find out if she lives up to Dr. C's reputation with me.  I dunno if I like Dr. C so much because she was my first psychiatrist and she was there when I was in the hospital and was nicer and warmer than Dr. Duval who is her partner. 

So, the new med schedule is changing from:

Wellbutrin SR 200mg twice a day

Seroquel 100mg at bedtime

Lamictal 200mg 2 tablets at bedtime

Will now be:

Wellbutrin SR 200mg twice a day

Seroquel 50mg at breakfast, 50mg in the afternoon, 100mg at bedtime

Lamictal 200mg 2 tablets at  bedtime

Zoloft 50mg at bedtime

So hopefully the Zoloft and Wellbutrin will help the symptoms of each other.  And the Seroquel hasn't been seeming to help as much with my irritability so she's adding some during the day, as well as the one at night so I can sleep.  She also told me that if I'm tired when it's time to take the Seroquel to skip it.

Anyway... done for now.

Blanket Apology

So, for whatever reason certain blogs haven’t been posting from my e-mail or feeds on facebook, etc.  So I have gone and manually transferred each post across each of my blogs… with that said, some of the timelines are off.   Please excuse me for posting out of chronological order, I’m sorry for any confusion.

 

 

Edit: I’ve also realized that some of the post show up with HTML in them.  Will have to fix it one by one later.

Blanket Apology

So, for whatever reason certain blogs haven’t been posting from my e-mail or feeds on facebook, etc.  So I have gone and manually transferred each post across each of my blogs… with that said, some of the timelines are off.   Please excuse me for posting out of chronological order, I’m sorry for any confusion.

Hate Me - *possible trigger*

<a href="http://www.vevo.com/watch/blue-october/hate-me/USUV70600341?w=nolyrics">Hate Me - Blue October | Music Video | VEVO</a>.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDxgSvJINlU]

I have had this song on my computer for the longest, have always like the song, but only ever really paid attention to the chorus and the music.  I so feel this way sometimes.  Sometimes the most selfless/selfish thing that someone with mental illness can say.  Opinions?  Is wanting to isolate a feeling of guilt for making others around you worry about you, or simply just a need to shut the world out so you don't have to feel it?  I know for me my isolating is a combination of I just want to be left alone, because when I am not left alone I get more upset and end up being more outwardly emotional (angry, yelling, etc.) and I would rather just be left alone.  I would rather someone worry about me, than to know that I am hurting them and see that I am hurting then, while feeling helpless to stop it.  Because then, do I not only feel terrible about the world, I feel terrible for hurting them.  I'm good today. I promise, just pondering.. was making a playlist to clean to and came across this song and wanted to blog about it..   Comments?

Lyrics:

Hate Me- Blue October

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If your dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you were doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

<em>[Children voices:]</em>
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

Edit: On a funny side note... after that song on my playlist was Boxcar Racer's "I Feel So"

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPEGbxL9AoQ]

Gesundheit - Sneezings of the Brain

David and Angelina were both home this past week for Christmas break.  That being said sleep schedules were thrown WAY out of whack.  Something that I realized though is that David and I settled into our natural circadian rhythms.  That being going to bed somewhere between 3 and 5a.m. and waking between noon and 4 p.m.(usually me sleeping this late) With this altered sleep/wake schedule I have neglected to take my wellbutrin.  I fully realized this yesterday because Saturday we were up very late, and since today our regularly imposed schedule was starting with school and work, we decided to skip sleeps on Saturday and go to bed early on Sunday.  This was due in part to the fact that I had several adult beverages Sat. night and postponed taking my medications. (Which ended up skipping for Saturday)

Anyway, So, yesterday I realized that I hadn't taken my wellbutrin at all this past week.  And I felt BETTER.  The past month I have had this stupid depression cloud hanging over my head.  Last week I bitched about the <a href="http://rainydayramblings.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/you-are-choosing-to-be-this-way-from-my-psychiatrist/">antidepressants not working</a>.  The thing that puzzles me now is this: Should I start taking the WB again?  Or should I just continue to NOT take it?  It wasn't doing it's job very well, and the fact that I feel better off it makes me believe that maybe I AM better off it. I have read some articles, like the following:
<blockquote><strong>Antidepressants.</strong> Use of antidepressants in bipolar disorder, although once common, is now controversial. Antidepressants may not be advised at all, depending on your situation. There's limited data indicating that antidepressants are effective for bipolar disorder, and in some cases they can trigger manic episodes. Before taking antidepressants, carefully weigh the pros and cons with your doctor.</blockquote>
(See: <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs">Mayo Clinic Bipolar Disorder Treatment and Drugs</a>)

I don't know the answer.  I know being on the Zoloft made me an emotional popsicle, while not really treating my depression.  And the wellbutrin, while I got my emotions back, doesn't seem to be effectively treating my depression either.  And I don't know if this respite from the "black pit of despair" is due to lack of wellbutrin, or possibly just coincidental.  Maybe it's that I was on my internal clock's schedule this past week that has me feeling better; as opposed to the enforced one during school/work times.

The other question that is plaguing me is whether or not my irritability is caused by the use/non-use of the Wellbutrin.  Again, the bear in me has been pretty active lately, while on and off the Wellbutrin.  I'm not sure if the irritability is due to the stress of the holidays and being depressed, or if I'm having a mixed episode, but mostly feel the "depressed" part of it and the manic part is the mood-swingy-bite-your-head-off-for-looking-at-me-wrong feelings.  Or maybe I'm just reading too much into everything and it's just a regular ol' hormone flux and I'm being paranoid and over thinking.

The point of this is that with the sleep thing screwed up, and taking my meds still at 10pm and being awake for 5-7 hours after that, I have been having these sleepy time ramblings.  Pondering all the big things, most related to stuff that I don't have the answers for.  Have been driving David kind of bonkers, but he's dealing.  He mostly just tunes me out anyway.

There really isn't a point.  It just IS. It all IS.  We all ARE.  There isn't always an answer, although I wish I could get better insight into the things of mine that I want answers to.

*restlessness + poor judgment = mania (or so I've discovered recently)

When I first started this blog I said I was going to update this <a href="http://rainydayramblings.wordpress.com/2009/04/16/symptoms-i-thought-were-just-me-being-crazyo-wait-i-am-crazy/#more-17">(Symptoms I Thought Were Just Me Being Crazy..O... Wait, I Am Crazy)</a> regularly.  It's been 8 months so I figure now's a good enough time to start doing that. So here goes:<!--more-->
<blockquote>I am planning on updating the particular entry often, as often as I think of and/or realize how much of "me" is actually me and what is my illness.  I think that it will be a long and difficult journey to recovery, but I hope that by separating what behaviors are actually me, and the behaviors that are not I will be able to start to overcome at least some of them.  We'll see.<img title="More..." src="http://rainydayramblings.wordpress.com/wp-includes/js/tinymce/plugins/wordpress/img/trans.gif" alt="" /></blockquote>
(To Be Continued...)
<ul>
    <li>Yelling</li>
    <li>being irritable in general</li>
    <li>aches and pains</li>
    <li>zoning out</li>
    <li>hearing the sound of people talking but not processing what is being said</li>
    <li>getting easily distracted by what is going on around me instead of what I am supposed to be doing</li>
    <li>starting and never finishing projects/chores/assignments/etc, etc,etc</li>
    <li>Being non-compliant with therapy (but I feel better, why should I take these pills or go to this appointment?)</li>
    <li>getting stressed and anxious at the stupid stuff</li>
    <li>order order order at my desk at work</li>
    <li>sloppy sloppy sloppy at home</li>
    <li>The "I don't <em><span style="text-decoration:underline;">feel</span></em> like it, so I'm not going to do it"s</li>
    <li>The guilt</li>
    <li>the manipulation</li>
    <li>the need to have David <em>available</em> to pay attention to me, but not necessarily to have him pay attention.</li>
    <li>the need to just have space</li>
    <li>restlessness+ poor judgement = mania (or so I've discovered recently)</li>
    <li>depression (duh!)</li>
    <li>not being able to keep friends just because I don't care enough to stay in contact or make an effort</li>
    <li>not letting people in, or letting inappropriate people in too much *coughmocough*</li>
    <li>alternating between talking too much about hypotheticals or nothing at all, and not talking about the real here and now and the real issues.</li>
    <li>Pretending like I don't care what people think, when really I'm second guessing my every word, gesture, or action.</li>
    <li>writing this blog: the fact that I have 3 blogs so that people will pay attention to what I have to say. Like it <strong><em><span style="text-decoration:underline;">means</span></em></strong> something.</li>
    <li>Alternating between caring too much and not caring at all.</li>
    <li>the emptiness, the feeling that there's a gaping hole inside of me.</li>
    <li>the nothingness.</li>
    <li>the feeling that I'm destroying everyone that I care about.</li>
    <li>trying to make people care about me by caring about them, at least in the moment.</li>
    <li>doing stupid stuff that I know beforehand is stupid, but doing it anyway even though it can't end anyway but badly.</li>
    <li>that restless need to just do <em><span style="text-decoration:underline;">something</span></em> to shake things up, but not completely break them apart.</li>
    <li>the feeling that I'm missing something. Like I'm being left out.</li>
    <li>the feeling that I don't get it.</li>
    <li>The feeling that I get it too much and other people are oblivious.</li>
    <li>the feeling that I could never leave and do this by myself, but I'm terrified of staying and watching everyone around me burned by the fire that lives inside me.</li>
    <li>the fear of something bad happening, so never doing anything, and then feeling like life is boring.</li>
    <li>irrationality</li>
    <li>taking things too personally</li>
    <li>beating myself up</li>
    <li>beating you up because I feel bad about something that I didn't do and use the excuse that you could do it just as easily.</li>
    <li>the fact that my chest got so tight and my body got tense when I saw you walk over to read what I was writing.</li>
    <li>Knowing that it hurts you to know that I can write this down for everyone to read, but I can't or won't say it to your face.</li>
    <li>feeling like by reading this I make you feel like you don't know me at all.</li>
    <li>I am afraid of feeling like you feel like you don't know me at all.</li>
    <li>I am afraid that you think I'm lying to you because I never told you all this.  I just never knew how to say it so you wouldn't ask me questions coz it makes me nervous when you question my feelings, even if you're just trying to understand, and not necessarily being judgmental</li>
    <li>random crying</li>
    <li>being sarcastic/funny during a serious discussion or argument</li>
    <li>eating all the time when I am having overpowering emotions</li>
    <li>not eating at all</li>
    <li>being a hypochondriac</li>
    <li>attempting to self-diagnose</li>
    <li>seeing the details, forgetting the big picture</li>
    <li>being selfish</li>
    <li>knowing that I'm being selfish and feeling guilty for it, but still doing it anyway</li>
    <li>taking advantage of people in little ways</li>
    <li>feeling like my needs come first and should be at the top of other people's priority list</li>
    <li>being a know-it-all</li>
    <li>using my crappy experiences as a crutch to make people feel like I have it worse than they do, so they feel bad about complaining about<em> their</em> not-as-crappy experiences.</li>
    <li>making people uncomfortable by divulging what should be private in general conversation.</li>
    <li>being so open about things that should be private</li>
</ul>
<strong><span style="text-decoration:underline;">12-28-09</span></strong>: So, I'm reading this... thinking that things are going to be different... But they're not really.  Except I don't see people anymore.  My social circle has dwindled to a few.  A few people that I really care to have in my life or care to have me in theirs.  I have Facebook.  That's about it.  I'm less on the being open about things that should be private and less on the caring about others so they'll care about me (except on my blogs), I have been trying more to empathize with others who have been/are where I am emotionally instead of competing with them.  The irritability comes and goes, the random crying was better until I went off the Zoloft, then it came back again when I stopped being an emotional popsicle.  I'm still irrational, and emotional, and have mood swings, and panic attacks, and boulders that fall on my chest.  I'm done self-diagnosing because the dr's have already done it for me.  I am no longer afraid of what David thinks about my blog, and I know now that he understands that a lot of the time I write what I mean or feel better than I say it aloud.  I know that he reads it. (at least occasionally)  I am less ill-at-ease with myself... mostly because I am not around people that know me, and the people that I come in contact that don't know me... well, they don't matter. (In a figurative sense, like I'm not worried about what they think of me - we're talking about ppl at the grocery store)  I still get anxious and second guess my every move when I am places that I have to be - like this morning at my psychiatrists appointment.  I was sure the man in the waiting room was staring at me for 45 mins, so I kept my head in a magazine or staring at the floor.  I was fine this afternoon at Angelina's appointment though and I was in the waiting room for over an hour.  I'm still distracted.  I have had to go back several times to look at my list and what I have already written to remember what exactly it is I am writing about.  I think I'm done for now.

New Pdoc

I'm actually really excited today.  New pdoc.  If the receptionist/nurse (not sure exactly her role) is any indication of the rest of the office... I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new dr.  The male doctor is actually not accepting new patients so I am seeing the nurse practitioner.  I think this is wonderful coz she's a woman, which is what I wanted in the first place.  Will update after I get back!

 

Do you hear what I hear?

I'm trying something new.  After Livewriter ate my blog post I thought maybe I would just send e-mail.  Not exactly sure why I didn't consider this before.

 

Aside from that I have been having a lot of thoughts that I wanted to blog about but now that I am writing, I don't really want to write about most of it.  I think a lot of it is my late night, I can't sleep, I'm cleaning the house at 3 am, I'm panicking about Angelina's therapist coming to the house tomorrow... for the fact that Ang HAS a therapist... and second coz I'm not comfortable with people in my house.  Or, at least not people that I don't know or are there for some purpose besides just hanging out.  There are currently about 5 people that I know of that I am not uncomfortable having in my house.  Stephen S., Lisa, Stephen G., Crystal, and my mom. There are other people who occasionally come over, but I have to have prior notification and time to prepare (usually while flitting around "cleaning" and really getting nothing accomplished - 'hey, that's why I'm doing dishes and laundry at 3 am')  These people include but are not limited to: David's parents, hmm. Okay maybe it's just his parents.  Or maybe it's just they're the only ones who come by.  I never know what to do when people come over that don't "belong" here. It disrupts the natural balance, and I feel uncomfortable most of the time.

 

Anyway, there I go again going off on tangents.  The main thing I wanted to talk about was hallucinations.  I need info.  I have been hearing voices.  Not like one voice telling me to do anything, but senseless chatter.  I hear it at random times, regardless of the volume of the room.  Has happened when it's quiet, has happened when I have music on loud.  When it first started I kind of brushed it off to being the neighbors outside that I was hearing through the window.  That's what it's like, hearing something far away that you just can't quite make out.  Or like someone talking in another room with the door closed.  I used to look around for a reason like someone talking outside... except it's quiet outside.  And the fact that I heard it tonight while I had earphones in with music blasting in my ears and was doing the dishes.  And it was 3 am, I know it wasn't coming from outside.  Not loud enough to go through the window that's closed, over the dish water I had running, inside my earphones.  

 

The only thing I can think of is that it's an auditory hallucination.  But I don't really have much experience with that.  I know a few of my readers are fellow bipolar sufferers (or some other sort of mental condition in general) So, my question is whether or not you have experienced this, and whether or not it is something I should be worried about.  I have been having this issue for a couple of months, but just realized tonight that it might be hallucinations.  I don't remember exactly when it started, but it makes me wonder if it wasn't the Wellbutrin.  I started on it again this week.I know when I first started taking the Wellbutrin and was taking it in the morning and at bed time I was have extremely vivid and realistic dreams, to the point that there were things that I questioned whether they had really happened or not, because they were real to me.  That stopped for the most part once I started taking the pills earlier in the day.  

 

So, after writing the last paragraph I realized that I have the internet and reliable medication websites (were used at work, as well as at my Dr's office)  So according to Epocrates hallucinations are a "severe" adverse effect of the Wellbutrin.  Want to look into this more and see if any of my other meds have that as well.  I usually don't pay much attention to the "severe" or "rare" side effects because then I start imagining that I have them when I don't (hypochondriac!)  And tend to focus on the common side effects : dizziness, insomnia, hypersomnia, drowsiness, don't use heavy machinery, etc.  May have to give Dr. Asshole a phone call since I don't have a new pdoc yet.  Ugh.  He's probably gonna tell me that it's nothing and I'm doing it to myself. Don't want to worry David too much coz I don't even know if it IS a hallucination.  Bleh.  Anyways... I think I'm done for right now.

 

Byez!! 

"You are CHOOSING to be this way" - from my psychiatrist.

Note to self:  "Avoid harmful relationships."

I didn't realize that my psychiatrist would be one of those harmful relationships.  See: What the HELL was I thinking? O, right. I wasn’t thinking. In November I had to switch psychiatrists due to the fact that my old one (Dr. C) didn't take my insurance.  My first visit with Dr. D (a.k.a. "The ASShole")  was an hour-long history report.  He went through this huge packet of papers asking me about every single aspect of my mental health/drug addiction/family history life.  "Have you ever used marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, reefer, grass,...?"  and on and on about every single type of drug and/or alcohol or poison one can pump into their body with any name or slang that you can think of to call it (thus the MJ, weed, pot, reefer, grass, etc).   Now, I get it that he is a Dr at a substance abuse and mental health facility so the paperwork is standard, but after about the third thing I said flat-out "I do not do/use any drugs, I drink socially, which is hardly at all anymore because the last time of the 3 times I have been drunk IN MY LIFE I did something really stupid.  I don't smoke, I have occasionally in the past but never habitually, the only other "drugs" I have had in my system were prescribed FOR ME, and used accordingly or less than directed."  And right after that..."Have you ever used methamphetamines, amphetamines, uppers, speed, meth, ... !!!"  Oh wait..."Yes, I was on adderall for 3 months and Ritalin for 2 months, separately, for A.D.D. and I quit taking them because they didn't help the A.D.D. and I didn't want more drugs in my system than what is necessary."  And so on and so forth.   And then he wanted to know if I was experiencing any side effects from my present meds.  I told him that I was tired ALL THE TIME from the seroquel, but if I didn't take it I didn't sleep AT ALL.   He told me I was being lazy.  I think there may have been another blog addressing my aversion to the "lazy" title.  O, boy!  WRONG thing to say to me.  So, I left his office that day feeling like crap and thinking he was an asshole.  David asked me why and I couldn't pinpoint it exactly, but it was just this feeling that I had.  Maybe it was just the clinical nature of the visit, we'd see next month.

Re: 2nd visit with Dr. D.  December 28, 2009

Dear Diary,

This morning I had a follow-up appointment with my new psychiatrist.  I haven't been doing so well lately, Diary.  I have had a depression brewing the past month that just busted open last week and I'm not feeling too great about myself right now.  My medicines don't seem to be helping much, and I have asked myself why I am taking them, but I know I need to stay on them just to keep some kind of regulation to my system.  Maybe my psychiatrist will have better insight into why I feel like crap in spite of taking all this medicine.

So, Diary, I saw Dr. D this morning.  I waited in the waiting room for over 45 minutes and became increasingly more anxious and uncomfortable with myself the longer I waited.  I swear the man across the room was staring at me the whole time.  I wish I could have disappeared into the horrendous wallpaper.  Finally, Dr. D came out with his stupid grin on.  We proceeded into his office where he immediately asked me how I was doing.  I said "Today, not so great.  I've been having a bad couple of weeks."

"Elaborate on a 'bad couple of weeks', what's been going on?" asks Dr. D

"Well, I've been feeling very low, and I had been doing better since February with not yelling at my family for little things, but I have been having emotional outbursts a LOT, and crying at little stuff, or nothing at all.  A lot of bad stuff has happened to me, in the past, around this time of year."

"Oh, well, hmm.  I'm not going to change anything until you get out of this environmental stressors period, ok?  Have you been having any medication side effects?"

"Well, I have been sleeping a lot more than usual, mostly when my husband is home and I don't have to get up to get my daughter off to school, but I don't do it intentionally, I just don't wake up until someone wakes me."

"Well, that's not a side effect that sounds like you're CHOOSING to sleep more," says Dr.D. "We'll reevaluate next month when you come back, ok?"

At this time he stands up and starts to head for the door.  I stand up, and then I think to myself "No, that's not ok."

So, I say "Why am I still feeling depressed?  I have been taking these medications for almost a year. I thought they were supposed to help me not feel like this?"

He sits back down and says, "Well, you have to look at the long-term vs. the short-term."

And so I ask, "Well what's the long-term?"   "Lifetime" he says.  "Ok, well then, what's the short-term?"  "Two to three years"

Now, I understood this as I have to be on the meds for two to three years before they will start to prevent me from feeling depressed or manic. (The depression is mostly what I'm concerned with)

Then he says "You're probably asking yourself why you're taking the medications.  It's a choice that you have to make.  Whether or not you want to be on them."

I responded, "Working in the healthcare field and knowing what I know, NOT being on medication isn't an option for me.  But I thought that even if I didn't feel BETTER all the time, that at least I shouldn't be this depressed on the medication... because right now, on them, I'm no better than I was NOT on them."

And then, (and this shouldn't have come as such a surprise) he says to me, "Well, you're making that choice.  You're making the choice to sleep all day, and be sad, and not feel well.  You have to make a choice to not feel depressed."

Wait!  Back up there....  I'm making the CHOICE to be depressed????  No lie, he seriously said that, and then smiled his stupid smug smile at me.

And then proceeded with he'd like to see me back next month and we'll see how I am then, and got up and opened the door to his office.  Meanwhile, I was shell-shocked, nodded my head and walked out of the office, went to the front desk and scheduled my appt. for next month.

I got in the car, and started driving home.  Got about halfway home and I guess I had processed it enough to start crying and feeling angry.  So I called David.  And I started blubbering at him what had happened.  Before I even got through the whole explanation he told me that I needed to find a different psychiatrist.  Because even he, David, knew that I wasn't choosing to be like this/ feel like this.  And the fact that my PSYCHIATRIST, who went to school to diagnose and treat mental health disorders, is telling me that I AM CHOOSING to be this way is just plain BULLSHIT.  David said that even if he thought that I was making a choice when I first had issues when he and I were together, over the years he KNOWS that I'm not CHOOSING this.  I'm not doing it on purpose.

So, I am on the lookout for a new psychiatrist.  Of all the dr's to have to change this has to be one of the hardest.  They're not there to mend a broken bone, or run blood tests.  They're there to try to help you put your head on straight.  So, when they kick your head in... you never really know if it's just your perception or if it really is them.   Today, I realized how sorry I am for those people out there that don't have a partner or medical surrogate to help them to decide when it's just their perception and when it truly is the dr. being a BAD dr.  Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

*Sigh*  So, that was my morning.

Angelina had a follow-up appointment at the allergists to go over her test results and whatnot with the dr.  The dr. we saw today was a different dr than who she and I had seen when I first took her to that office.  I was COMPLETELY blown away by this doctor.  He was AWESOME!  It's actually making me cry right now to compare side by side the asshole that is my now (hopefully previous) psychiatrist, and the awesome allergist that is Angelina's.  David liked him a lot as well.  He was very warm and friendly and sat and talked with us a while.  Answered any questions we had, went above and beyond and gave us follow-up materials, recommended a wonderful allergy website, got her prescriptions, was completely agreeable when we told him that Angelina doesn't tolerate nose sprays or shots.  Told us to call, YES CALL, if we needed anything else, and that most anything could be handled over the phone and wouldn't require us to drive down there or pay a copay. (of course we don't with her insurance anyway)  And, seriously, I have NEVER had a doctor tell me to just call if I had any question or needed meds or anything... Hell, I've had doctors make me come into the office, pay my copay, and wait an hour, just for them to tell me that my blood work was normal.   I wish I was still a kid.  Kid doctors seem to me SO MUCH NICER and cooperative and accommodating than adult doctors.  Her current pediatricians are AWESOME, her allergist is AWESOME, the place she is going through for counseling seemed really AWESOME (although that has yet to be seen once we start with the actual therapist)

Again, I ask, when will life be simple?  Why do I have to be so complicated, in turn making my life complicated?  Icing on the cake?  I have to find a new psychiatrist.  I have decided I have crap luck with male mental health "professionals" so I want a woman.  Guess how many are on our insurance within 50 miles?  2.  Yes, TWO.  And one is in Vero, the other in Palm Beach.  FML!

Merry Christmas, Genuinely

The last three blog posts were quite negative.  Why is it that I always focus on the negative.
What I really came here to say is this: Merry Christmas!  I have had some good Christmases and this year will be wonderful.  I am hopeful.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.


Edit:  Christmas was fairly uneventful.  Ending up staying at David’s parents Christmas Eve into Christmas Day.  Watched a lot of movies, slept on and off through the evening.  Had the wonderful breakfast David’s dad prepares every year. Opened presents, got a cool couple of things (like a digital photo frame that I have wanted since they came out a couple yrs ago)  David got a small air compressor which he has been wanting for a while but couldn’t justify the expense.  Angelina got a lot of dance stuff (tights, leotards, tap shoes, ballet slippers, and dance lessons!) a marshmallow maker (think Peeps) and a Booboo! Bear that sneezes and stuff.  Then after all was done she says, I didn’t get very much stuff. Humph!   I went home to shower a couple hours after we had done presents, and brought back the gifts from my mom and her partner, and also the two gifts that “Santa” (my mom) had sent her over the internet through fedex.   This kid threw a big fit at 11:30 am because she didn’tget enough stuff even tho she had a pile of stuff.  She opened Santa’s gifts at around 3:30… Changed her entire day.  Santa really listened and brought her what she had asked him for.  Exactly.  She got a stuffed dog and a stuffed rabbit.  That was the highlight of her day.  And they have gone everywhere with her since then.


THANKS MOMMY!!!!!!

Ahhh, Christmas Time! I hope you die. The 2000’s

The 2000’s

Christmas 2000 – 16 years old: I ended up staying with mom.  I was in school, I had a job, I had 3 failed semi-relationships in the year that I lived in FL, and was currently in a super secret relationship with a GIRL!  Well, super secret from her mom at least… everyone else knew.  So, Christmas… She was at my house spending the night (as we did most weekends) and she gets a call from her mom that her uncle is coming to get her.  So of course she is quite interested in why her uncle is coming to get her, and why anyone is coming to get her at all considering she had only been at my house a couple hours.  Well, apparently her mom is a snoop.  And her mom found a note that I had written her that she had hidden in the bedpost of her daybed.  So, her mom expressly forbid her to stay at my house, or for us to walk out of work together, or to see us together, or basically anything that had to do with her mom seeing me for any reason.  Merry Christmas!!!

Christmas 2001 – 17 years old: Mom decides to stop outwardly celebrating Christmas..no tree, no decorations.. whatever… doesn’t really matter much to me anyways.  This was David and I’s first Christmas.  We had been dating 6 weeks.  I think I might have gone over to his parents for Christmas dinner, but I’m not really sure.  Regardless, his older sister was down from school.  First time I had met her (obviously since she didn’t live here)  Didn’t seem to go well, but then again none of David’s family had warmed up to me at all, except maybe his brother who didn’t really care. (Thanks Stephen!!!) Or maybe his dad who had come up to me shortly after we started dating and put his arm around my shoulders and said “So you’re the reason why my son is never home”  – Like I said his family hadn’t really warmed up to me, so we spent most of our time at my house or out doing something. So, the memorable part? His sister went home.  It had become apparent that his family didn’t know me, so I was invited to dinner one evening.  His dad wasn’t there so it was he and I, his then 14 yr old brother, his 10 yr old sister, and his mom.  So, we’re eating and out of nowhere his little sister says to me “I don’t like you. And mom and Jenn don’t like you either”  to which his mom replied “Lisa!” and to me “It’s not that we don’t like you it’s just that we don’t know you.”  So, that was then, this is now.  We got to know each other. Especially when 3 months later He and I moved in together after 4 1/2 months of dating and 2 months after we both turned 18.  SURPRISE!!!

Christmas 2002 – 18 years old: David and I are engaged.  We got engaged on our one year anniversary the middle of November. I talked to my dad for the first time in 3 years to tell him that I was getting married.  What does this have to do with Christmas?  I think I’m pregnant.  It’s eating at me, I was a mess.  worst.timing.EVAR.  HPT +  2 days before Christmas.  Yeah…we’re not gonna tell them..it’s Christmas.  We’ll wait a couple weeks.  So, middle of January, the day before David’s 19th bday, I start getting sharp pains in my belly that shoot down my leg and in my back and I’m freaking out.  So I make him come get me from work and take me to the ER.  We were there forever.  Partly because I ate a package of Peanut m&m’s in the waiting room.  When we told them that I might be preggers, the dr ordered a vaginal ultrasound….well.. they couldn’t do it for 4 hours after I had last eaten. Damn those M&M’s.  They did blood work… turns out that the couple of weeks pregnant I though I might be was actually about 9 weeks. And it was for sure.  No questions about it. I was pregnant. Me, pregnant (omg i’m going to Hell)  So, of course freaking out.  They said I had a UTI (woohoo)  but wanted the U/S still to make sure that the baby was ok.  So, around 2am finally got the u/s.  That made it real for me.  She was 4cm long looked like a little baby lizard minus the tail and had this little dark pulsing dot in her center. Her beating heart.  There was a live person growing inside of me. You are now entering the Twilight Zone?  Surprise!!!

Christmas 2005 – 21 years old: Had been back in touch with Dad since 2003, there’s a whole long story between then and now..but this is the Christmas story, so… He and Deb (FINALLY) got divorced earlier this year.  He had to have surgery on his abdomen the beginning on December so we made last minute plans to drive to KS to spend a week or so with him while he was recuperating, and what makes this Christmas hit the memorable radar?  It was the first time I had been to KS since I had left 6 years before (and the only time that I have been back in the 10 years that I have lived in FL.)  The other thing that made this Christmas memorable is that while we were away some rats moved into our house and took over.  And I mean this literally.  And they multiply quite quickly.  Angelina got bitten on New Year’s Eve. We had all gotten sick in KS and were like 3-4 days into antibiotics. Just in case though we called David’s mom who is an RN and has been since before David was born. She said basically the dr. would look at it and clean it and put her on an antibiotic.  So, rather than rush our 2 yr old to the ER in the middle of the night (coz it’s NYE, the dr’s offices are closed and it was a Saturday night at that) we took her in on Monday morning first thing when the quick care clinic opened again.  Dr. looked at it, made sure it was clean (it was) told us to make sure she finishes her antibiotic that she was already on, put some anti-bac ointment on it and keep it covered.  That was Monday.  Monday night, Angelina moved in with Grandmom and Poppop.  Mommy and Daddy hit up wal-mart for traps and poison and all the aggressive ways to get rodents out of the house.  Thursday night while I am at work, the Dept of Children and Families shows up with a Sheriff’s Deputy.  It all turned into a huge mess.  Ang wasn’t allowed to come home for a month, even tho within a week we had killed off all the stupid pests.  In the middle of all this we discovered that we also had termites.  So, the exterminator came to do the termite treatment (luckily it wasn’t the kind that u have to have the tent for…although that would have gotten rid of just about anything living in the house, I think.) DCF wanted an exterminator to come and inspect the house anyways to make sure the rats were gone.  The guy said that basically all they can do is look for droppings… if there are no droppings, there are no rodents.  House had just gotten rid of rats, termites and was thoroughly cleaned so we were good.  The inspector came from DCF and said that there were crumbs in the toaster which was a fire hazard, there were a couple of other nitpicky things, but basically said they would come back in a week to check again and that we needed to fix that stuff before then.  long story short… she came home after 4 weeks.  Then we had home supervision for a few months, a few court dates, and finally 6 months later were cleared and given our lives back.

Christmas 2007 – 23 years old: I’m going to keep this one short.  Read any of my blogs from 2007 and you will learn anything you need to know about Christmas 2007.  This is the only Christmas (so far) that I have personally screwed up.  And mostly it was the week between Christmas and New Year’s that was the problem, ending up with me telling David on NYE that I wanted to move out.  Again, blogs all about this circa early 2008.

Christmas 2009 – 25 years old: Oh Christmas! Again, Christmas kinda isn’t that great this year because we have no money.  Ang will be getting a ton of stuff, i’m sure.  Just not from us. Which makes me sad.  See, I had a mental breakdown in February and ended up in a psych hospital for a week.  Abandoned my job because I just couldn’t deal.  Am waiting for social security disability to be approved. (They should read my blog… it tells all about how screwed up I am) And while nothing “traumatic” has happened yet, I feel deflated.  I have been having a mild depressive episode since the beginning of December, and it has gotten progressively worse as the month goes on.  The meltdown commenced with “The Blog That Got Eaten”  (See: Die, Live Writer, Die! or Dammit!)  and has waxed and waned since then.  It is now 6:34 am on December 24.  I JUST realized the reason why I am still awake and have been writing all night is because I forgot to take my meds at 10pm last night.  What a way to start the actual holidays of being with lots of wrapping paper and in-law’s (Although I <3 them now) and FOOD. Oh, yeah…the food is good medicine.  Now if I could just sleep for a bit.
Merry Christmas!!!!!! (And I mean this for real, not sarcastically)
Now you know why Christmas is not such a great holiday for me.

Ahhh, Christmas Time! I hope you die. The 90’s

Ok, as promised, here is the very scary Jessica’s Christmas Carol.

Ah, yes… Christmases past:
These are the Christmases where something other than the norm happened (stepmom getting trashed at one of her various family member’s house)

The ’90’s

Christmas 1992 – 8 years old: I discovered there was no Santa.  I’m not exactly sure what was going on because back then I was so traumatized by the fact that there was no Santa to remember if she was drunk or not.  But, regardless, I was awoken in the night by a bump in the living room (which was right thru my very thin bedroom wall) so I sneaked to the door to look around the corner…and there is my dad’s GF (later to be stepmom) putting stuff under the tree with a cigarette in her mouth.  I went back to bed.


Christmas 1994 – 10 years old: This Christmas was just after my mom had sued my dad for custody of me, but 6 months before it went to court.  So, I went to Mom’s for Christmas vacation.  Came home, Dad and Deb(stepmom) picked me up from the airport.  We went somewhere to eat.  It was just the 3 of us.  So, we’re eating.  And I notice sparklies on Deb’s finger… They got married 3 days before and didn’t tell us (by us I mean the kids).  WTG, Dad!  Of course, it mostly made sense that they would do it while I was at my mom’s after she was in the process of trying to get custody of me.  She was married, I guess they thought it would be better if they were?  At least in court.  I was extremely upset.

Christmas 1997 – 13 years old:  Started out normal, we were at Deb’s sister’s house on Christmas Eve.  All the adults were drinking.  Deb got considerably trashed, as were her sister and mother. (Did I tell you her whole family were alcholics?)  So, it’s late..time to go home (which is like 30-45 min drive)  We all pile in the car, Dad’s driving… we get just outside of town and Deb wants to go to the liquor store.  So Dad says “It’s 12:30 at night on Christmas Eve no liquor stores are open” but did she listen? Nope. Tried to open the car door going 55mph down the highway saying she would walk to the liquor store.  So, finally convinced her that she couldn’t get out of the car.  We get home, go to bed (well us kids anyway). But I know I didn’t fall asleep… I know that Deb is “Santa” and I know she is completely shit-faced, and I know she’s in a wonderful mood (haha).  So, not sure exactly what time it was, but somewhere around maybe 2:30-3am and I hear a thump in the living room (which is a bit away from my room in this house) And I’m thinking to myself “great!”  so then, hear Dad come out…voices start getting raised, yelling ensues, Dad’s telling her to let him call her dad (who was pretty much the only person that could ever talk any sense into her when she was drunk) but she’s M.A.D. (Mad Ass Drunk) so instead at some point during all this she has a steak knife and I guess tries to use it on him.  Good thing she’s drunk (irony) because her aim was off.  So, 5 foot tall 100lb angry drunk woman with a steak knife..what should we do?  Ok, we need to restrain her!  Closest thing? Vacuum cleaner cord!!!  Awesome! Quick thinking.  I knew her OCD-ness about vacuuming the floors 3 times a day would come in handy.  So, he gets her tangled up in that long enough to call the sheriff’s dept.  They show up and have their wet muddy boots on and are leaving tracks on the linoleum floor! So she’s yelling at them telling them to take their boots off at the door and is down on the floor with a paper towel trying to clean up the footprints.  They go to “help” her up to take her out to the cruiser…but she is angry!  They made a mess of her floor, must.clean.floor. nevermind in doing so she is resisting arrest!  Chalk one up to drunken stupidness!!! So, then everyone get interviewed.  I come out in my jammies and (I think he was Sheriff at the time, not sure. His name is Gary) So Gary says to me “I haven’t seen you since you were about yea big.” And proceeds to hold his hand about 3 ft off the ground.  Did I mention that when I was 3 foot tall my mom’s mom worked as the dispatcher for the sheriff’s office?
So, Deb spends 48 hrs in county jail because Dad doesn’t press charges but “We’re getting divorced. I’m sick of this shit.” etc etc etc  So, she takes the boys and goes and stays with her mom for a few weeks, then she promises Dad that it won’t happen again, and they got back together shortly thereafter.

December 1998 – 14 years old.  I say December because this Christmas started a little early and we wouldn’t want to confuse it with New Year’s which will be the next paragraph.  So. December 4. I unexpectedly lost my virginity.  mmhmm.  by force. to the boy who lived in the bedroom next to mine. SURPRISE!!!!

1 month later – Still 14 years old: I get home from my mom’s.  But there was still a day or two until school started  again. or maybe we got a snow day. I dunno. That’s not important.  So, Deb and Dad both had to work.  And us kids are home, so rather than leave me home to watch them both, Deb takes the younger of her two sons to work with her.  Leaving me and above^mentioned home alone.  Now, in the month in between nothing had happened.  If anything things had gotten better?  See, starting somewhere about the middle or end of the sixth grade I got boobs.  And along with boobs I got boob molestation from… guess who? that just kinda progressed to kinda something else.  And that all stopped after December 4.  So, I wasn’t really thinking much about being home alone with him.  I mean, the first time, everyone was home, it was just the middle of the night.  So. We’re home alone.  We’re in his room, I think we were listening to a new CD he had gotten for Christmas (I think it might have been Creed?)  and he starts touching me.  And I remember kinda slapping his hand away and him getting mad.  And then I remember pain and him looking down and seeing blood and telling me that I’m disgusting. And then he got up and went into is bathroom, at which time i got up, went into my bathroom and locked myself in there until someone came home. SURPRISE!!!

Christmas 1999 – 15 years old: I was at my mom’s.  I had a boyfriend who lived down here who I had started dating when I was at my mom’s over the summer.  Also had a best friend who lived down here that I had made over the summer.  On the phone with BF and on IM with BFF, and we’re talking about the fact that I had to go home the next day (I think) And so of course I am loathe to go back to my dad’s because… New Year’s wasn’t the end of my surprises.  After an 8 month hiatus during the first part of 1999, In August after I get back from my mom’s stepbro decides that things should go back to “the way they were” I guess.  So, I get 1st Bf, am totally in L.O.V.E. (see previous post about flash fires) and things were looking up in August.  Then I guess stepbro decides now is a good time for things to pick back up.  And so they did, regularly. SURPRISE!!  But I digress… So BF and BFF know about this, don’t understand why I’m so terrified to tell someone that can do SOMETHING about it.  The problem is this:  If I tell Dad, there’s always the chance that he won’t really believe me and nothing will change.  Or, He will believe me and then tear stepbro apart limb by limb and then Dad will end up in prison. (ha)   Or, I could tell my mom.  I knew my mom would believe me, I knew that she would confront my dad for me, but for whatever reason I had it in my head that I would still have to go back to my dad’s.  Nevermind that I was almost 16 and I was being abused.   After much convincing from my BFF I told my mom.  She literally bounced off the wall she was so upset.  So, 2 points, I opened the can of worms that was my abuse, and ripped the stitches out of an old wound of mom’s because she was abused when she was younger.  Not.Good. Mom called him screaming at him about letting the drunk and her devil’s spawn into my life.  And him saying that she and I were making it up so I didn’t have to live with him anymore. I should have though of that before!!! OMG!!! If all it took was a little rape to get out of living with them, I should have cried that 4 years ago! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!! Surprise!!!!!

DAMMIT!

I think I am starting to hate Christmas. Not like the actual celebration, or the trees, or presents or whatever... it's just SO MUCH STUFF is associated with this time of year for me. Good and bad, both of which I wish I didn't remember.

Came home from the store today and told David that "FRUSTRATION" was the word of the week. It is it is it is. I will start with today and move backwards.

Today(Wednesday): Frustrated with the dr. because of Ang's cough and meds and whatever. Then, got a call from Walgreens that her rx's were ready so i'm like "yay the allergist called in the atarax for her itching!!" Yeah, no. He called in zyrtec and no atarax. We have an appt with him Monday so we'll see what happens. Frustrated because it's 3 am and I am up and I am writing this because I am frustrated about something that was frustrating yesterday (Tuesday) but we'll get there. And then after I announced frustrated as the word of the week we heard it mentioned several times on whatever shows Angelina was watching. (She has been watching the TBN kid's channel constantly! )

Tuesday: I don't remember much what happened before like 6pm. We had plans to go out to trivia at a local wings place (Name has been omitted for geographical reasons, will now be referred to as "trivia") So, 7pm I got in the shower. When I got out there were people in my house! Stephen was over (as I knew he was coming) and he brought Crystal!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!! So that was exciting. We got to trivia and David's brother was there and these two girls who are friends from camp and is friends with the family and with Stephen and people at church and whatever. So, they only had 2 booths for like a LOT of people. So me, David, Stephen, and Crystal commandeered the next booth over so we would have enough space for everyone coz David's brother (will now be referred to as "DB") said that his person, and that person, and you, and this other person's brother was coming too. ($%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! coz I'm not having an emotionally terrible enough week as it is.)

I wanted to leave. But we brought Stephen and Crys and besides... after we sat down David said "did you hear?" and I said "I know." AWKWARD! And Stephen's all "yeah.." and Crys is like "What?!?! you don't have to tell me." and so of course I started to tell her and she said i didn't have to tell her and then David's parents showed up, thus killing the conversation. (Most of you are probably all WTF am I talking about so, read: From HERE and go chronologically forward several months, haha) So, we stayed. and we played trivia. The guys had some beer and Crys had a margarita and was extremely funny. I am glad that she came..because David kept going and sitting at the table with his parents, which was the one to the back of me. And Stephen kept going and squeezing into the 6 seater booth that was already holding like 10 people. Granted some of them are the size of small children...but still. So Crys and I were being loud and obnoxius and laughing and having a generally good time, but I kept having to turn around and tell Stephen and David to come back and stop abandoning us. Which in turn made me have to look at the back of your head. which is really insanely insane that it should bother me, but there it is. And we already know that I.Am.Not.Sane. I

So, I am sitting here, right now, 3:25am December 24, 2009 and am semi-hyperventilating over something that doesn't really even matter anymore to pretty much anyone else but me. Yeah, coz I'm not mental or anything. So, I was writing about old wounds in "The Blog That Got Eaten" on Friday. And you were one of them. Because iiiiiiiit'ssssssssss Christmasssssssssssss....

(It's from a Veggie Tales song) - See:

Oh! Santa - Silly Songs with Larry

So, anyway. I was thinking about how in songs love=flame, fire (something pyro related) And I have come to the conclusion... David is my slow burning fire, the one you curl up with on cold nights and just enjoy. A little flamey at first, but then just settles in and is lovely and comforting. That's it. He's my hearth fire. And then, I realized that every other love in my life has been a flash fire. The smoke builds up, gets too hot, and explodes, and is gone. Leaving charred remains and a skeleton of what was formerly a house (if it wasn't all burnt to ash). Fire that consumes the house, leaving it bare and in great need of being rebuilt. So. I'm frustrated. No, I am freaking ANGRY at myself for letting any of this matter. For being raw because it's Christmas.

I've gotten on the subject of frustration this last week... Let's say it started with "The Blog That Got Eaten" on Friday...and peaked around Tuesday and only has the next week to get through until next year. I want to talk about what Christmas is to me.

But, I am going to write a seperate post about this coz it will take a while.

Triaminic® Products | Chest & Nasal Congestion Medicine for Your Child’s Cold Symptoms

Why can’t I find this anywhere???  Srsly.  I found it once on accident.  Angelina Hates it. (Yes, with a capital H) It’s yucky, but it is the ONLY cold medicine I have found that doesn’t have a cough suppressant in it.  Doctor tells me “don’t give her anything with a cough suppressant in it because of her asthma”  So, do I give her nothing? Or chance it with the cough suppressant?
The doctor she saw today (not her usual doctor) tells me to “Just give her something over-the-counter” for her cough.  WTF?  So I ask if it’s ok for her to have the stupid cough suppressant or not because I haven’t been able to find ^above product^.  He says to give her albuterol twice a day.  I couldn’t figure it out.  And then David says… “He meant along with the cold medicine..the albuterol will keep her lungs open so the cough suppressant doesn’t leave the mucus to build up in her lungs”
I’m glad someone explained it to me.  Because I srsly I am thinking “He said her lungs were clear so why am I giving her asthma meds for a post-nasal drip cough?”  Of course this was explained after I had already been to the store and had picked up some sudafed and regular robitussin (expectorant).  Which whatever, it works..just means she has to take two meds instead of one.  Still probably spent less than I would have to buy that one small bottle of Triaminic.  And I got a big bottle of generic robitussin and generic sudafed tabs.
Anyways, I’m sure she would rather take the two meds instead of having to do her nebs twice a day.  le sigh.  When will life be easy?

Die Live Writer, DIE!

F***!!!!!!
I AM EXTREMELY PISSED OFF ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I SPENT THREE AND A HALF HOURS WRITING IN MY BLOG, I HAVE AUTO-SAVE, THE THING CRASHED, BUT WHEN I CAME BACK IT SAID THAT THERE WAS A POST, BUT WHEN I OPEN IT IS IT ONLY THE TITLE AND NO CONTENT.   3 1/2 HOURS OF ME RIPPING APART MY GUTS TO GET IT OUT OF ME AND IT GOT EATEN BY STUPID WINDOWS LIVE WRITER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   INSTEAD OF FEELING BETTER ABOUT GETTING OLD SHIT GARBAGE OUT I NOW FEEL LIKE I AM IMPLODING.  I CAN'T DO IT AGAIN.  AND THAT F***ING BOULDER IS SITTING ON MY CHEST RIGHT NOW.  THE UNIVERSE HATES ME.  IT'S THAT SIMPLE.



Edit: I used a lot of language in this post because it suited my mood.  I dunno what it is about screaming obscenities when you're angry, but I am still angry, but more constructively I guess.  More to come.

Two posts in one day? No way!

I have been reading a LOT of blogs in the past few days.  I am finding it quite enlightening.  I am a rambler.. and I kind of feel guilty about that because I have been leaving rambly comments on stranger’s blogs. 

If anyone reading this is one of the people who got a long rambling comment from me then I apologize.  I have never been a “facts only” type of person.  I write in a roundabout way, because that’s the way my head works.  I get so distracted with the idea of what I want to say, and I end up just confusing a lot of people who don’t follow my train of thought and can’t make any logical sense of what I am saying.  Even my shortened versions are still much longer than the average person’s average thought/reply/whatever.

Online Blogs Are Lame.

I am kind of upset right now.  I took all this time to make my own font.  This is my handwriting.  But then when I go on WordPress, Blogger, LJ… They don’t give you the OPTION to change your font.  Or if it does (blogger) the fonts are the boring Times New Roman, Arial, etc. That have zero personality and quite honestly sometimes make me crazy.  I like to customize.  I feel more comfortable writing how I want to.  What’s the point in spilling my guts to the general public if I can’t at least let it LOOK like me when the guts are spilled (lol)  Anyways, I’m ranting.  Has nothing to do with this blog (unless you count me getting all upset over something stupid like the fact that I can’t pick my OWN font)

 

Anyways, if anyone is interested in doing this as well the website is: http://www.fontcapture.com/    there isn’t a fancy program that you have d/l, or programs to run.  You simply print out a sheet, fill in the blanks with your own handwriting, scan the image, upload it to the site, name it, sample it by typing stuff in to see if the letters look ok together… if so then u D/L the font to ur computer into your fonts folder and you’re good to go :D 

 

I really hope that since I’m using Live Writer and my custom font shows up on here that when I post it will be the same.. most likely not tho :(

 

Happy something-or-other.

 

Edit:  It actually posted with this font!! Awesome, something happened that I wanted it to.  Okay blog, I want $15,000.  Yeah, that should do it.  I accept cash, check, paypal, money order.. I’m not picky.. just give me monies, plz?

 

P.S.  It tells you to write the letters in a sharpie.. if you do it comes out looking like this BOLD, so I would suggest (unless of course you want bold font) that you actually use a thick tipped pen (like a felt pen) or a thin sharpie.Once you’ve made the font it allows you to resize it use italics and underlines and I think bold..but I can’t really tell coz my writing is already bolded.