Do you hear what I hear?

I'm trying something new.  After Livewriter ate my blog post I thought maybe I would just send e-mail.  Not exactly sure why I didn't consider this before.

 

Aside from that I have been having a lot of thoughts that I wanted to blog about but now that I am writing, I don't really want to write about most of it.  I think a lot of it is my late night, I can't sleep, I'm cleaning the house at 3 am, I'm panicking about Angelina's therapist coming to the house tomorrow... for the fact that Ang HAS a therapist... and second coz I'm not comfortable with people in my house.  Or, at least not people that I don't know or are there for some purpose besides just hanging out.  There are currently about 5 people that I know of that I am not uncomfortable having in my house.  Stephen S., Lisa, Stephen G., Crystal, and my mom. There are other people who occasionally come over, but I have to have prior notification and time to prepare (usually while flitting around "cleaning" and really getting nothing accomplished - 'hey, that's why I'm doing dishes and laundry at 3 am')  These people include but are not limited to: David's parents, hmm. Okay maybe it's just his parents.  Or maybe it's just they're the only ones who come by.  I never know what to do when people come over that don't "belong" here. It disrupts the natural balance, and I feel uncomfortable most of the time.

 

Anyway, there I go again going off on tangents.  The main thing I wanted to talk about was hallucinations.  I need info.  I have been hearing voices.  Not like one voice telling me to do anything, but senseless chatter.  I hear it at random times, regardless of the volume of the room.  Has happened when it's quiet, has happened when I have music on loud.  When it first started I kind of brushed it off to being the neighbors outside that I was hearing through the window.  That's what it's like, hearing something far away that you just can't quite make out.  Or like someone talking in another room with the door closed.  I used to look around for a reason like someone talking outside... except it's quiet outside.  And the fact that I heard it tonight while I had earphones in with music blasting in my ears and was doing the dishes.  And it was 3 am, I know it wasn't coming from outside.  Not loud enough to go through the window that's closed, over the dish water I had running, inside my earphones.  

 

The only thing I can think of is that it's an auditory hallucination.  But I don't really have much experience with that.  I know a few of my readers are fellow bipolar sufferers (or some other sort of mental condition in general) So, my question is whether or not you have experienced this, and whether or not it is something I should be worried about.  I have been having this issue for a couple of months, but just realized tonight that it might be hallucinations.  I don't remember exactly when it started, but it makes me wonder if it wasn't the Wellbutrin.  I started on it again this week.I know when I first started taking the Wellbutrin and was taking it in the morning and at bed time I was have extremely vivid and realistic dreams, to the point that there were things that I questioned whether they had really happened or not, because they were real to me.  That stopped for the most part once I started taking the pills earlier in the day.  

 

So, after writing the last paragraph I realized that I have the internet and reliable medication websites (were used at work, as well as at my Dr's office)  So according to Epocrates hallucinations are a "severe" adverse effect of the Wellbutrin.  Want to look into this more and see if any of my other meds have that as well.  I usually don't pay much attention to the "severe" or "rare" side effects because then I start imagining that I have them when I don't (hypochondriac!)  And tend to focus on the common side effects : dizziness, insomnia, hypersomnia, drowsiness, don't use heavy machinery, etc.  May have to give Dr. Asshole a phone call since I don't have a new pdoc yet.  Ugh.  He's probably gonna tell me that it's nothing and I'm doing it to myself. Don't want to worry David too much coz I don't even know if it IS a hallucination.  Bleh.  Anyways... I think I'm done for right now.

 

Byez!! 

"You are CHOOSING to be this way" - from my psychiatrist.

Note to self:  "Avoid harmful relationships."

I didn't realize that my psychiatrist would be one of those harmful relationships.  See: What the HELL was I thinking? O, right. I wasn’t thinking. In November I had to switch psychiatrists due to the fact that my old one (Dr. C) didn't take my insurance.  My first visit with Dr. D (a.k.a. "The ASShole")  was an hour-long history report.  He went through this huge packet of papers asking me about every single aspect of my mental health/drug addiction/family history life.  "Have you ever used marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, reefer, grass,...?"  and on and on about every single type of drug and/or alcohol or poison one can pump into their body with any name or slang that you can think of to call it (thus the MJ, weed, pot, reefer, grass, etc).   Now, I get it that he is a Dr at a substance abuse and mental health facility so the paperwork is standard, but after about the third thing I said flat-out "I do not do/use any drugs, I drink socially, which is hardly at all anymore because the last time of the 3 times I have been drunk IN MY LIFE I did something really stupid.  I don't smoke, I have occasionally in the past but never habitually, the only other "drugs" I have had in my system were prescribed FOR ME, and used accordingly or less than directed."  And right after that..."Have you ever used methamphetamines, amphetamines, uppers, speed, meth, ... !!!"  Oh wait..."Yes, I was on adderall for 3 months and Ritalin for 2 months, separately, for A.D.D. and I quit taking them because they didn't help the A.D.D. and I didn't want more drugs in my system than what is necessary."  And so on and so forth.   And then he wanted to know if I was experiencing any side effects from my present meds.  I told him that I was tired ALL THE TIME from the seroquel, but if I didn't take it I didn't sleep AT ALL.   He told me I was being lazy.  I think there may have been another blog addressing my aversion to the "lazy" title.  O, boy!  WRONG thing to say to me.  So, I left his office that day feeling like crap and thinking he was an asshole.  David asked me why and I couldn't pinpoint it exactly, but it was just this feeling that I had.  Maybe it was just the clinical nature of the visit, we'd see next month.

Re: 2nd visit with Dr. D.  December 28, 2009

Dear Diary,

This morning I had a follow-up appointment with my new psychiatrist.  I haven't been doing so well lately, Diary.  I have had a depression brewing the past month that just busted open last week and I'm not feeling too great about myself right now.  My medicines don't seem to be helping much, and I have asked myself why I am taking them, but I know I need to stay on them just to keep some kind of regulation to my system.  Maybe my psychiatrist will have better insight into why I feel like crap in spite of taking all this medicine.

So, Diary, I saw Dr. D this morning.  I waited in the waiting room for over 45 minutes and became increasingly more anxious and uncomfortable with myself the longer I waited.  I swear the man across the room was staring at me the whole time.  I wish I could have disappeared into the horrendous wallpaper.  Finally, Dr. D came out with his stupid grin on.  We proceeded into his office where he immediately asked me how I was doing.  I said "Today, not so great.  I've been having a bad couple of weeks."

"Elaborate on a 'bad couple of weeks', what's been going on?" asks Dr. D

"Well, I've been feeling very low, and I had been doing better since February with not yelling at my family for little things, but I have been having emotional outbursts a LOT, and crying at little stuff, or nothing at all.  A lot of bad stuff has happened to me, in the past, around this time of year."

"Oh, well, hmm.  I'm not going to change anything until you get out of this environmental stressors period, ok?  Have you been having any medication side effects?"

"Well, I have been sleeping a lot more than usual, mostly when my husband is home and I don't have to get up to get my daughter off to school, but I don't do it intentionally, I just don't wake up until someone wakes me."

"Well, that's not a side effect that sounds like you're CHOOSING to sleep more," says Dr.D. "We'll reevaluate next month when you come back, ok?"

At this time he stands up and starts to head for the door.  I stand up, and then I think to myself "No, that's not ok."

So, I say "Why am I still feeling depressed?  I have been taking these medications for almost a year. I thought they were supposed to help me not feel like this?"

He sits back down and says, "Well, you have to look at the long-term vs. the short-term."

And so I ask, "Well what's the long-term?"   "Lifetime" he says.  "Ok, well then, what's the short-term?"  "Two to three years"

Now, I understood this as I have to be on the meds for two to three years before they will start to prevent me from feeling depressed or manic. (The depression is mostly what I'm concerned with)

Then he says "You're probably asking yourself why you're taking the medications.  It's a choice that you have to make.  Whether or not you want to be on them."

I responded, "Working in the healthcare field and knowing what I know, NOT being on medication isn't an option for me.  But I thought that even if I didn't feel BETTER all the time, that at least I shouldn't be this depressed on the medication... because right now, on them, I'm no better than I was NOT on them."

And then, (and this shouldn't have come as such a surprise) he says to me, "Well, you're making that choice.  You're making the choice to sleep all day, and be sad, and not feel well.  You have to make a choice to not feel depressed."

Wait!  Back up there....  I'm making the CHOICE to be depressed????  No lie, he seriously said that, and then smiled his stupid smug smile at me.

And then proceeded with he'd like to see me back next month and we'll see how I am then, and got up and opened the door to his office.  Meanwhile, I was shell-shocked, nodded my head and walked out of the office, went to the front desk and scheduled my appt. for next month.

I got in the car, and started driving home.  Got about halfway home and I guess I had processed it enough to start crying and feeling angry.  So I called David.  And I started blubbering at him what had happened.  Before I even got through the whole explanation he told me that I needed to find a different psychiatrist.  Because even he, David, knew that I wasn't choosing to be like this/ feel like this.  And the fact that my PSYCHIATRIST, who went to school to diagnose and treat mental health disorders, is telling me that I AM CHOOSING to be this way is just plain BULLSHIT.  David said that even if he thought that I was making a choice when I first had issues when he and I were together, over the years he KNOWS that I'm not CHOOSING this.  I'm not doing it on purpose.

So, I am on the lookout for a new psychiatrist.  Of all the dr's to have to change this has to be one of the hardest.  They're not there to mend a broken bone, or run blood tests.  They're there to try to help you put your head on straight.  So, when they kick your head in... you never really know if it's just your perception or if it really is them.   Today, I realized how sorry I am for those people out there that don't have a partner or medical surrogate to help them to decide when it's just their perception and when it truly is the dr. being a BAD dr.  Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

*Sigh*  So, that was my morning.

Angelina had a follow-up appointment at the allergists to go over her test results and whatnot with the dr.  The dr. we saw today was a different dr than who she and I had seen when I first took her to that office.  I was COMPLETELY blown away by this doctor.  He was AWESOME!  It's actually making me cry right now to compare side by side the asshole that is my now (hopefully previous) psychiatrist, and the awesome allergist that is Angelina's.  David liked him a lot as well.  He was very warm and friendly and sat and talked with us a while.  Answered any questions we had, went above and beyond and gave us follow-up materials, recommended a wonderful allergy website, got her prescriptions, was completely agreeable when we told him that Angelina doesn't tolerate nose sprays or shots.  Told us to call, YES CALL, if we needed anything else, and that most anything could be handled over the phone and wouldn't require us to drive down there or pay a copay. (of course we don't with her insurance anyway)  And, seriously, I have NEVER had a doctor tell me to just call if I had any question or needed meds or anything... Hell, I've had doctors make me come into the office, pay my copay, and wait an hour, just for them to tell me that my blood work was normal.   I wish I was still a kid.  Kid doctors seem to me SO MUCH NICER and cooperative and accommodating than adult doctors.  Her current pediatricians are AWESOME, her allergist is AWESOME, the place she is going through for counseling seemed really AWESOME (although that has yet to be seen once we start with the actual therapist)

Again, I ask, when will life be simple?  Why do I have to be so complicated, in turn making my life complicated?  Icing on the cake?  I have to find a new psychiatrist.  I have decided I have crap luck with male mental health "professionals" so I want a woman.  Guess how many are on our insurance within 50 miles?  2.  Yes, TWO.  And one is in Vero, the other in Palm Beach.  FML!

Merry Christmas, Genuinely

The last three blog posts were quite negative.  Why is it that I always focus on the negative.
What I really came here to say is this: Merry Christmas!  I have had some good Christmases and this year will be wonderful.  I am hopeful.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.


Edit:  Christmas was fairly uneventful.  Ending up staying at David’s parents Christmas Eve into Christmas Day.  Watched a lot of movies, slept on and off through the evening.  Had the wonderful breakfast David’s dad prepares every year. Opened presents, got a cool couple of things (like a digital photo frame that I have wanted since they came out a couple yrs ago)  David got a small air compressor which he has been wanting for a while but couldn’t justify the expense.  Angelina got a lot of dance stuff (tights, leotards, tap shoes, ballet slippers, and dance lessons!) a marshmallow maker (think Peeps) and a Booboo! Bear that sneezes and stuff.  Then after all was done she says, I didn’t get very much stuff. Humph!   I went home to shower a couple hours after we had done presents, and brought back the gifts from my mom and her partner, and also the two gifts that “Santa” (my mom) had sent her over the internet through fedex.   This kid threw a big fit at 11:30 am because she didn’tget enough stuff even tho she had a pile of stuff.  She opened Santa’s gifts at around 3:30… Changed her entire day.  Santa really listened and brought her what she had asked him for.  Exactly.  She got a stuffed dog and a stuffed rabbit.  That was the highlight of her day.  And they have gone everywhere with her since then.


THANKS MOMMY!!!!!!

Ahhh, Christmas Time! I hope you die. The 2000’s

The 2000’s

Christmas 2000 – 16 years old: I ended up staying with mom.  I was in school, I had a job, I had 3 failed semi-relationships in the year that I lived in FL, and was currently in a super secret relationship with a GIRL!  Well, super secret from her mom at least… everyone else knew.  So, Christmas… She was at my house spending the night (as we did most weekends) and she gets a call from her mom that her uncle is coming to get her.  So of course she is quite interested in why her uncle is coming to get her, and why anyone is coming to get her at all considering she had only been at my house a couple hours.  Well, apparently her mom is a snoop.  And her mom found a note that I had written her that she had hidden in the bedpost of her daybed.  So, her mom expressly forbid her to stay at my house, or for us to walk out of work together, or to see us together, or basically anything that had to do with her mom seeing me for any reason.  Merry Christmas!!!

Christmas 2001 – 17 years old: Mom decides to stop outwardly celebrating Christmas..no tree, no decorations.. whatever… doesn’t really matter much to me anyways.  This was David and I’s first Christmas.  We had been dating 6 weeks.  I think I might have gone over to his parents for Christmas dinner, but I’m not really sure.  Regardless, his older sister was down from school.  First time I had met her (obviously since she didn’t live here)  Didn’t seem to go well, but then again none of David’s family had warmed up to me at all, except maybe his brother who didn’t really care. (Thanks Stephen!!!) Or maybe his dad who had come up to me shortly after we started dating and put his arm around my shoulders and said “So you’re the reason why my son is never home”  – Like I said his family hadn’t really warmed up to me, so we spent most of our time at my house or out doing something. So, the memorable part? His sister went home.  It had become apparent that his family didn’t know me, so I was invited to dinner one evening.  His dad wasn’t there so it was he and I, his then 14 yr old brother, his 10 yr old sister, and his mom.  So, we’re eating and out of nowhere his little sister says to me “I don’t like you. And mom and Jenn don’t like you either”  to which his mom replied “Lisa!” and to me “It’s not that we don’t like you it’s just that we don’t know you.”  So, that was then, this is now.  We got to know each other. Especially when 3 months later He and I moved in together after 4 1/2 months of dating and 2 months after we both turned 18.  SURPRISE!!!

Christmas 2002 – 18 years old: David and I are engaged.  We got engaged on our one year anniversary the middle of November. I talked to my dad for the first time in 3 years to tell him that I was getting married.  What does this have to do with Christmas?  I think I’m pregnant.  It’s eating at me, I was a mess.  worst.timing.EVAR.  HPT +  2 days before Christmas.  Yeah…we’re not gonna tell them..it’s Christmas.  We’ll wait a couple weeks.  So, middle of January, the day before David’s 19th bday, I start getting sharp pains in my belly that shoot down my leg and in my back and I’m freaking out.  So I make him come get me from work and take me to the ER.  We were there forever.  Partly because I ate a package of Peanut m&m’s in the waiting room.  When we told them that I might be preggers, the dr ordered a vaginal ultrasound….well.. they couldn’t do it for 4 hours after I had last eaten. Damn those M&M’s.  They did blood work… turns out that the couple of weeks pregnant I though I might be was actually about 9 weeks. And it was for sure.  No questions about it. I was pregnant. Me, pregnant (omg i’m going to Hell)  So, of course freaking out.  They said I had a UTI (woohoo)  but wanted the U/S still to make sure that the baby was ok.  So, around 2am finally got the u/s.  That made it real for me.  She was 4cm long looked like a little baby lizard minus the tail and had this little dark pulsing dot in her center. Her beating heart.  There was a live person growing inside of me. You are now entering the Twilight Zone?  Surprise!!!

Christmas 2005 – 21 years old: Had been back in touch with Dad since 2003, there’s a whole long story between then and now..but this is the Christmas story, so… He and Deb (FINALLY) got divorced earlier this year.  He had to have surgery on his abdomen the beginning on December so we made last minute plans to drive to KS to spend a week or so with him while he was recuperating, and what makes this Christmas hit the memorable radar?  It was the first time I had been to KS since I had left 6 years before (and the only time that I have been back in the 10 years that I have lived in FL.)  The other thing that made this Christmas memorable is that while we were away some rats moved into our house and took over.  And I mean this literally.  And they multiply quite quickly.  Angelina got bitten on New Year’s Eve. We had all gotten sick in KS and were like 3-4 days into antibiotics. Just in case though we called David’s mom who is an RN and has been since before David was born. She said basically the dr. would look at it and clean it and put her on an antibiotic.  So, rather than rush our 2 yr old to the ER in the middle of the night (coz it’s NYE, the dr’s offices are closed and it was a Saturday night at that) we took her in on Monday morning first thing when the quick care clinic opened again.  Dr. looked at it, made sure it was clean (it was) told us to make sure she finishes her antibiotic that she was already on, put some anti-bac ointment on it and keep it covered.  That was Monday.  Monday night, Angelina moved in with Grandmom and Poppop.  Mommy and Daddy hit up wal-mart for traps and poison and all the aggressive ways to get rodents out of the house.  Thursday night while I am at work, the Dept of Children and Families shows up with a Sheriff’s Deputy.  It all turned into a huge mess.  Ang wasn’t allowed to come home for a month, even tho within a week we had killed off all the stupid pests.  In the middle of all this we discovered that we also had termites.  So, the exterminator came to do the termite treatment (luckily it wasn’t the kind that u have to have the tent for…although that would have gotten rid of just about anything living in the house, I think.) DCF wanted an exterminator to come and inspect the house anyways to make sure the rats were gone.  The guy said that basically all they can do is look for droppings… if there are no droppings, there are no rodents.  House had just gotten rid of rats, termites and was thoroughly cleaned so we were good.  The inspector came from DCF and said that there were crumbs in the toaster which was a fire hazard, there were a couple of other nitpicky things, but basically said they would come back in a week to check again and that we needed to fix that stuff before then.  long story short… she came home after 4 weeks.  Then we had home supervision for a few months, a few court dates, and finally 6 months later were cleared and given our lives back.

Christmas 2007 – 23 years old: I’m going to keep this one short.  Read any of my blogs from 2007 and you will learn anything you need to know about Christmas 2007.  This is the only Christmas (so far) that I have personally screwed up.  And mostly it was the week between Christmas and New Year’s that was the problem, ending up with me telling David on NYE that I wanted to move out.  Again, blogs all about this circa early 2008.

Christmas 2009 – 25 years old: Oh Christmas! Again, Christmas kinda isn’t that great this year because we have no money.  Ang will be getting a ton of stuff, i’m sure.  Just not from us. Which makes me sad.  See, I had a mental breakdown in February and ended up in a psych hospital for a week.  Abandoned my job because I just couldn’t deal.  Am waiting for social security disability to be approved. (They should read my blog… it tells all about how screwed up I am) And while nothing “traumatic” has happened yet, I feel deflated.  I have been having a mild depressive episode since the beginning of December, and it has gotten progressively worse as the month goes on.  The meltdown commenced with “The Blog That Got Eaten”  (See: Die, Live Writer, Die! or Dammit!)  and has waxed and waned since then.  It is now 6:34 am on December 24.  I JUST realized the reason why I am still awake and have been writing all night is because I forgot to take my meds at 10pm last night.  What a way to start the actual holidays of being with lots of wrapping paper and in-law’s (Although I <3 them now) and FOOD. Oh, yeah…the food is good medicine.  Now if I could just sleep for a bit.
Merry Christmas!!!!!! (And I mean this for real, not sarcastically)
Now you know why Christmas is not such a great holiday for me.

Ahhh, Christmas Time! I hope you die. The 90’s

Ok, as promised, here is the very scary Jessica’s Christmas Carol.

Ah, yes… Christmases past:
These are the Christmases where something other than the norm happened (stepmom getting trashed at one of her various family member’s house)

The ’90’s

Christmas 1992 – 8 years old: I discovered there was no Santa.  I’m not exactly sure what was going on because back then I was so traumatized by the fact that there was no Santa to remember if she was drunk or not.  But, regardless, I was awoken in the night by a bump in the living room (which was right thru my very thin bedroom wall) so I sneaked to the door to look around the corner…and there is my dad’s GF (later to be stepmom) putting stuff under the tree with a cigarette in her mouth.  I went back to bed.


Christmas 1994 – 10 years old: This Christmas was just after my mom had sued my dad for custody of me, but 6 months before it went to court.  So, I went to Mom’s for Christmas vacation.  Came home, Dad and Deb(stepmom) picked me up from the airport.  We went somewhere to eat.  It was just the 3 of us.  So, we’re eating.  And I notice sparklies on Deb’s finger… They got married 3 days before and didn’t tell us (by us I mean the kids).  WTG, Dad!  Of course, it mostly made sense that they would do it while I was at my mom’s after she was in the process of trying to get custody of me.  She was married, I guess they thought it would be better if they were?  At least in court.  I was extremely upset.

Christmas 1997 – 13 years old:  Started out normal, we were at Deb’s sister’s house on Christmas Eve.  All the adults were drinking.  Deb got considerably trashed, as were her sister and mother. (Did I tell you her whole family were alcholics?)  So, it’s late..time to go home (which is like 30-45 min drive)  We all pile in the car, Dad’s driving… we get just outside of town and Deb wants to go to the liquor store.  So Dad says “It’s 12:30 at night on Christmas Eve no liquor stores are open” but did she listen? Nope. Tried to open the car door going 55mph down the highway saying she would walk to the liquor store.  So, finally convinced her that she couldn’t get out of the car.  We get home, go to bed (well us kids anyway). But I know I didn’t fall asleep… I know that Deb is “Santa” and I know she is completely shit-faced, and I know she’s in a wonderful mood (haha).  So, not sure exactly what time it was, but somewhere around maybe 2:30-3am and I hear a thump in the living room (which is a bit away from my room in this house) And I’m thinking to myself “great!”  so then, hear Dad come out…voices start getting raised, yelling ensues, Dad’s telling her to let him call her dad (who was pretty much the only person that could ever talk any sense into her when she was drunk) but she’s M.A.D. (Mad Ass Drunk) so instead at some point during all this she has a steak knife and I guess tries to use it on him.  Good thing she’s drunk (irony) because her aim was off.  So, 5 foot tall 100lb angry drunk woman with a steak knife..what should we do?  Ok, we need to restrain her!  Closest thing? Vacuum cleaner cord!!!  Awesome! Quick thinking.  I knew her OCD-ness about vacuuming the floors 3 times a day would come in handy.  So, he gets her tangled up in that long enough to call the sheriff’s dept.  They show up and have their wet muddy boots on and are leaving tracks on the linoleum floor! So she’s yelling at them telling them to take their boots off at the door and is down on the floor with a paper towel trying to clean up the footprints.  They go to “help” her up to take her out to the cruiser…but she is angry!  They made a mess of her floor, must.clean.floor. nevermind in doing so she is resisting arrest!  Chalk one up to drunken stupidness!!! So, then everyone get interviewed.  I come out in my jammies and (I think he was Sheriff at the time, not sure. His name is Gary) So Gary says to me “I haven’t seen you since you were about yea big.” And proceeds to hold his hand about 3 ft off the ground.  Did I mention that when I was 3 foot tall my mom’s mom worked as the dispatcher for the sheriff’s office?
So, Deb spends 48 hrs in county jail because Dad doesn’t press charges but “We’re getting divorced. I’m sick of this shit.” etc etc etc  So, she takes the boys and goes and stays with her mom for a few weeks, then she promises Dad that it won’t happen again, and they got back together shortly thereafter.

December 1998 – 14 years old.  I say December because this Christmas started a little early and we wouldn’t want to confuse it with New Year’s which will be the next paragraph.  So. December 4. I unexpectedly lost my virginity.  mmhmm.  by force. to the boy who lived in the bedroom next to mine. SURPRISE!!!!

1 month later – Still 14 years old: I get home from my mom’s.  But there was still a day or two until school started  again. or maybe we got a snow day. I dunno. That’s not important.  So, Deb and Dad both had to work.  And us kids are home, so rather than leave me home to watch them both, Deb takes the younger of her two sons to work with her.  Leaving me and above^mentioned home alone.  Now, in the month in between nothing had happened.  If anything things had gotten better?  See, starting somewhere about the middle or end of the sixth grade I got boobs.  And along with boobs I got boob molestation from… guess who? that just kinda progressed to kinda something else.  And that all stopped after December 4.  So, I wasn’t really thinking much about being home alone with him.  I mean, the first time, everyone was home, it was just the middle of the night.  So. We’re home alone.  We’re in his room, I think we were listening to a new CD he had gotten for Christmas (I think it might have been Creed?)  and he starts touching me.  And I remember kinda slapping his hand away and him getting mad.  And then I remember pain and him looking down and seeing blood and telling me that I’m disgusting. And then he got up and went into is bathroom, at which time i got up, went into my bathroom and locked myself in there until someone came home. SURPRISE!!!

Christmas 1999 – 15 years old: I was at my mom’s.  I had a boyfriend who lived down here who I had started dating when I was at my mom’s over the summer.  Also had a best friend who lived down here that I had made over the summer.  On the phone with BF and on IM with BFF, and we’re talking about the fact that I had to go home the next day (I think) And so of course I am loathe to go back to my dad’s because… New Year’s wasn’t the end of my surprises.  After an 8 month hiatus during the first part of 1999, In August after I get back from my mom’s stepbro decides that things should go back to “the way they were” I guess.  So, I get 1st Bf, am totally in L.O.V.E. (see previous post about flash fires) and things were looking up in August.  Then I guess stepbro decides now is a good time for things to pick back up.  And so they did, regularly. SURPRISE!!  But I digress… So BF and BFF know about this, don’t understand why I’m so terrified to tell someone that can do SOMETHING about it.  The problem is this:  If I tell Dad, there’s always the chance that he won’t really believe me and nothing will change.  Or, He will believe me and then tear stepbro apart limb by limb and then Dad will end up in prison. (ha)   Or, I could tell my mom.  I knew my mom would believe me, I knew that she would confront my dad for me, but for whatever reason I had it in my head that I would still have to go back to my dad’s.  Nevermind that I was almost 16 and I was being abused.   After much convincing from my BFF I told my mom.  She literally bounced off the wall she was so upset.  So, 2 points, I opened the can of worms that was my abuse, and ripped the stitches out of an old wound of mom’s because she was abused when she was younger.  Not.Good. Mom called him screaming at him about letting the drunk and her devil’s spawn into my life.  And him saying that she and I were making it up so I didn’t have to live with him anymore. I should have though of that before!!! OMG!!! If all it took was a little rape to get out of living with them, I should have cried that 4 years ago! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!! Surprise!!!!!