Meds Schmeds

So, had an appt with Dr. C last Thursday. Got hit with a whammy. Apparently, the insurance NOW decides that I have to pay $60 a visit when for the past 5 months I have been paying $20. so not only was I supposed to come up with $60 when I was expecting to pay $20, but I also have a back balance of $150. WTF? So, I freaked out, started crying, and basically said that I guess I need to cancel my appt and find a new dr (not at all maliciously because I LOVE my pdoc) which made me feel even worse, because I NEEDED my meds. This was my month to get new scripts on everything.

Sixth Sense?

I forgot I had started this post a few months ago. It's very interesting and does somewhat describe me. I don't have a lot of friends tho because I tend to only allow transient friendships.

Feeling is your sixth sense. Called clairsentient (clear feeling), your inner voice is one that touches on your empathetic nature. What does this mean? Well, you're probably the most emotional of your friends and you are very in touch with the feelings of others. As a clairsentient, you often know something is wrong because you experience an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach (or the opposite for good things). It might be that your friend has had a bad day--but hasn't told anyone--and somehow you just know what's going on. Often this type of intuitive knowledge cannot be explained. We bet you've got a bunch of friends, and who wouldn't want a friend that just knows without being told...especially on those bad days.

Psycho much? - Edited

So… I haven’t blogged in almost a month. A couple weeks ago David and I got into an argument about whose responsibility it was for different household chores and lawn work. The house was a mess and he was playing on the computer and had said he was going to mow the lawn (only he didn’t because the tire on the lawn mower was flat) So, I asked him to help me clean up the house. We kind of got into it because his response was basically that I am home all day every day and he goes to work every day during the week and basically that housework shouldn’t be his responsibility. So, we went into our bedroom to talk. I could see where he was coming from, it does seem unfair to him, I know that… but I am not doing this on purpose. I don’t want to be mentally ill, and I don’t want to be tired all the time from the medicines I take to make me “less” ill. Well… during our argument and me trying to make him understand that I am not choosing to put everything onto him, I just CAN’T do it. Some days I can, other days I cannot. His reaction was basically that he didn’t believe that I couldn’t just that I wouldn’t because I didn’t “feel like it” and that I just didn’t WANT to do it, or that I won’t do it. So this turned into more of an argument. I started staring at the wall and semi-tuning him out because I didn’t want to hear what he was saying…I already knew what he was saying, and I knew that it was his perception of what was going on. It was one of those times when the understanding wasn’t there, and the trying to understand, or the acceptance that he didn’t understand wasn’t enough.

Double Edged Sword

This evening (ok it's 2 a.m....shh!) I was browsing around on Amazon.com for bargain books related to bipolar disorder. I had to chuckle to myself at the books that basically implied that the pharmaceutical companies were behind the diagnoses of mental illness in America.

First off, I have bipolar disorder and am being treated with psychotropic medications. I also have been a certified pharmacy technician since 2005 and have seen and dealt with a great many people being treated with medications. No one HAS to take a medication. You have the right to refuse it when your doctor prescribes it. You have the right to not fill the prescription. You have the right to not buy the prescription if it is too costly and you don't really want to take it anyway.

I feel... nothing.

Life is going on around me. I don't really care. None of it means anything to me right now. I simply am. And they simply are. Simply are here to just not let me be. Have a dr's appt thursday... maybe Dr. C can give me some insight into why I feel worse instead of better? Haven't been feeling physically well the past couple of days either. Was supposed to have my CT scan done a while ago.. have an appt with Dr. S next Tuesday. I don't know if I'll go. What's the point? I didn't have the CT. I didn't have bloodwork. Dr. C is prescribing all my meds that aren't OTC. I'm tired of being reminded that I'm sick and they're not doing anything. I will continue to see Dr. C every month because I know that even though I am not well now... I could be worse without it at all. I have stopped taking my Strattera. I have no desire to put anything more into my system that I don't absolutely need. It's not keeping me alive..or improving anything. Might be an option if I ever have to go back to work and be functional. I'm so tired. So very very tired. Wish I could sleep forever. Can't wait til school starts...peace and quiet during the day.. no one to bug me except myself. Don't want to go anywhere. Don't want to stay home. Just want quiet. Want to be left alone...if even just for a little while. Want to be able to stay in bed, and not have to shower or get dressed or eat or anything. But I have a headache. That's what happens when I think too much about staying in bed. Or if I sleep too much. The headaches. I have one now. Angelina is singing and it is driving a nail into my skull. It's hard to write about how I feel inside when no one notices so much on the outside. I'm down. I haven't gotten dressed. But I am still coherent (for the most part) and responsive. Don't want to be a burden. Feel like such a fraud when I say I'm sick. I am. But it's not tangible... It's not something you can take a blood test for. I feel sick today. so tired. need a nap.