*Chirp*chirp*

Hey all, I have been MIA for a while now, my daughter is home on summer vacation. Have been doing alright I guess. can't wait for school to start and having my peace and quiet back during the day. Today was a really bad day. The past month or so I have been doing worse instead of better. Not really depressed or manic, but just apathetic and "numb" as my psychiatrist described it. Have been doing not well enough that my husband accompanied me on my last p-doc appt to voice his concerns. I feel so bad because he worries about me so much sometimes. My p-doc changed some of me medicines around at my last appt and my schedule is all messed up, I haven't been sleeping well and am no longer on any kind of sleep/wake schedule. I have made myself a cocoon. I am to the point where I don't really leave the house except to go grocery shopping once a week. I am not afraid to go out... I just have no desire to go anywhere.

"How to Lose Friends and Alienate People"

I think that was the title of a movie recently... I haven't seen it though.

This story hits a little closer to home. A few weeks ago David's dad was approached by one of the men from our church who told him that Angelina's school had reported us to the Dept. of Children and Families. We kinda poo-pooed it because HOW would this person know that before we did? He is in no way to connected to her school or to DCF... unless he was the one reporting us for some unknown reason. Nothing happened...

It's been a day.

We'll keep it at a day. Am in California visiting my mom. Am SO tired...SO tired. Flight left at 6:20AM EST Friday, we went to bed around 9pm thursday, David fell right asleep but I tossed and turned for 2 hours..finally got up and went on the computer for a bit. Angelina got up and joined me about 12 or so. At 1:30am I'm like..we have to get up at 3am...we need to sleep. So we laid on the couch and I dozed for about 45 minutes I guess... Ang got up and was in the chair then just..up. Got up, got David up to shower and whatnot. Got dressed and ready to go. We left the house about 3:45am. Went to McD's and got coffee..that is a whole other story. Got to the airport about 5-5:15 got the bags checked and said our good-byes. Angelina and I made our way through security and out to the gates. Angelina was complaining about wanting a snack as we walked by all the gift shops, so we stopped at the burger king in the terminal and had breakfast. Finished breakfast and got to the gate shortly after they started boarding.

Mood Swings;Schmood Schwings

I feel like I am possibly doing a bit better overall. I still am up and down, up and down. My mood journal looks like crap. I’m grouchy and irritable and TIRED ALL THE TIME and have NO motivation to do anything except sit here and do stupid stuff on the computer. I feel like I have this “whatever” kind of attitude at this point. I am stressed about money but at the same time I am like…eh. I just don’t seem to CARE about much at all recently. I just feel like maybe a shell of myself. Like “does any of it even matter?” I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to end it all. I just really don’t seem to care right now. I can’t say that the anxiety or panic attacks are gone, so obviously I DO care. But most of the time I am totally just “eh, whatever” and then sometimes it all just overwhelms me and I end up on the kitchen floor hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out. That is always fun. It’s weird, I have emotions, I am worried, I get upset, I get irritable, I get “funny” and sarcastic and witty. But I feel like I have ceased to really FEEL anything. I have entered that “empty” phase where nothing seems to really matter. Or maybe it’s just today that I feel that way.

Bleh. Crosspost from my mood journal..kinda rambly

So today was ok, got up and went to church, but right after the people descended upon me, I got out as quick as I could and went and waited in the car. I can't deal with the people anymore. We have not been going to church much for the past 6 months or so, and even less since me quitting my job. I can't stand everytime we go and at least 1 person is always like "Are you ok? Feeling better?" NO! I'm not feeling better... I had a nervous breakdown and tried to kill myself and quit my job and now stay at home all day and try not to be around anyone but my family and people that I am close enough to that I previously felt comfortable to have into my house. ( we DON'T have people over.... especially not family. If you've ever come over to my house you are the rare exception.)