Mood Swings;Schmood Schwings

I feel like I am possibly doing a bit better overall. I still am up and down, up and down. My mood journal looks like crap. I’m grouchy and irritable and TIRED ALL THE TIME and have NO motivation to do anything except sit here and do stupid stuff on the computer. I feel like I have this “whatever” kind of attitude at this point. I am stressed about money but at the same time I am like…eh. I just don’t seem to CARE about much at all recently. I just feel like maybe a shell of myself. Like “does any of it even matter?” I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to end it all. I just really don’t seem to care right now. I can’t say that the anxiety or panic attacks are gone, so obviously I DO care. But most of the time I am totally just “eh, whatever” and then sometimes it all just overwhelms me and I end up on the kitchen floor hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out. That is always fun. It’s weird, I have emotions, I am worried, I get upset, I get irritable, I get “funny” and sarcastic and witty. But I feel like I have ceased to really FEEL anything. I have entered that “empty” phase where nothing seems to really matter. Or maybe it’s just today that I feel that way.

Bleh. Crosspost from my mood journal..kinda rambly

So today was ok, got up and went to church, but right after the people descended upon me, I got out as quick as I could and went and waited in the car. I can't deal with the people anymore. We have not been going to church much for the past 6 months or so, and even less since me quitting my job. I can't stand everytime we go and at least 1 person is always like "Are you ok? Feeling better?" NO! I'm not feeling better... I had a nervous breakdown and tried to kill myself and quit my job and now stay at home all day and try not to be around anyone but my family and people that I am close enough to that I previously felt comfortable to have into my house. ( we DON'T have people over.... especially not family. If you've ever come over to my house you are the rare exception.)

Who Is That Girl I See Staring Straight Back At Me?

So, after posting last night about how my husband was so supportive and understanding that this illness isn't ME, we had a confrontation. I was so "hyper" yesterday but I got nothing accomplished. I didn't clean the kitchen as he had asked me to, i only did one load of laundry that didn't even make it into the dryer until about 9pm. I fell asleep around 6pm and woke up at 9pm.

So Much For My Happy Ending

I am very disappointed this week. Got my letter from Social Security Disability - DENIED! I was kind of expecting this but it still makes me very angry and upset.

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways

This is something that I posted to my support group this morning, and just wanted to add to my blog so that it is easier to find when I am feeling low and like I am alone in the world.

I have been reflecting a bit this morning, and I have come to the conclusion

that God is watching out for me. There are SO many groups/ support group sites

that address bipolar. But I was referred to this one. This Christian one where

not only is it allowed, but encouraged to use the Lord in our messages to one

another. To remind each other that God is watching out for us, and that He has a

much bigger plan for us than we may ever see. One thing that is becoming

increasingly more difficult for me is seeing outside of my own world, and

getting attuned to "The Big Picture"