This is how I feel right now *in this moment*

"Slow Dancing In A Burning Room"

The usual suspects

I think if I had to do it over again I would do it exactly the same. It's October again. I'm not doing it over again. I'm praying the rain will wash away this nostalgia so I can sleep at night. So I can stop telling myself that it never happened and stop holding my breath after I say your name around him. Even if it's not you I'm talking about. I found new people to talk to, and I discovered that it's better if the L word doesn't get involved. Who needs all that attachment anyway? It shouldn't matter to me whose lips you're kissing, as long as it's not mine. So tell me. I'm fucking things up all over again. 3 cheers for my dysfunctional brain. Tomorrow I will start the pills again, for right now...I can't sleep. I don't know why he and I can't get this part right, it only bothers me at 2am when I listen to him breathing and I can't shut down. I'm being more honest and more real now that I've ever been and I hate myself more everyday. I feel like he doesn't really see me, or maybe he does and I just don't understand why he still wants to love me. Feels like I'm constantly changing but when I look in the mirror I'm still the same scared and hurt little girl I was 10 years ago. Still keeping the same secrets just for different people. Still trying to save everyone elses world while mine is crumbling down. ~You can have it all, my empire of dirt~ still trying to hide behind the lies of the insignificant being special. And the ground-shaking being mundane. Let me rock your world. The time has come for none of this to make sense. And for you to mis-understand every word. Why do I feel so much better trying to solve everyone elses problems? I want someone to solve mine.

-bestkeptsecretbiggestmistake


p.s. - when are you coming home?

funniest thing possibly ever

So Saturday we go to the mall, David gets dressed and decides to wear MY Fall Out Boy shirt coz it's on top of the laundry basket. Now, this is the shirt that I wore when I met the band so I was kinda like.. umm.. trade me shirts? but he wouldn't. So we go to the mall with Stephen and Stephen and we're going into borders and these two like 14 year old girls were walking out and all of the sudden they're all "OMG that guy is wearing a shirt that says 'FALL OUT BOY IS FOR LOVERS'!?!!?!??!?!?! OMG!!!!!!!111111!!!!!! that's the coolest thing, like, ever!!!!" and are like giggling and stuff. at which point i'm all like.. haha OMG there's a GUY wearing a FALL OUT BOY shirt OMG WHERE!?!?!?!?:::squee:::: lol. nevermind it was MY freaking shirt! I wear that shirt ALLL the time and have never had anybody say anything. Too bad David wasn't wearing his skinny jeans and converse with his hair in his eyes! Oh and I think he forgot his guyliner that day too. wow. I hate Teenies. end of story. :::bows:::


Edit: See shirt after the jump:

chaos

that's where my brain is. constant state of changedness. I had a dream about you and it scared me to death. just can't figure out which you it was. I know this make no sense to anyone.

marriage

Last year I think most of my best friends either got married or as close to marriage as they're going to get in this state (because they're gay) and I almost got divorced after almost five years of marriage. how's that for ironic?