About Me

I am Jessica.

The following is a list of things that I felt compelled to share

Why are we so ashamed of what people do to us?

I can be a mean person. That being said, people trust me with their secrets. And I keep them. I want to cry. I don't understand why people purposely hurt others. And I don't mean playful jest. Death is the only thing so far that doesn't haunt me. Maybe that's because you dont' have to live with it when it's over. Don't get me wrong, i'm not ready to die. It's just that I fear pain and suffering more than the end of this life. I know there's more, and I know that it will be more wonderful than I could ever possible dream it in my mortal life. You hear things on the news, I try not to watch, it makes me cry. So much hate and hurt. Statistics. It's hard seeing people's lives turned into statistics. When I was 16 I was in a sexual abuse survivors group. There were 6 of us I think. We were discussing statistics, at that point in time the statistics said that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 5 boys have endured some form of sexual abuse. My therapist then said, "in simple terms, that means that if you are with 3 friends, chances are at least 1 of you has been abused." A small fraction of that 25% ever tell or seek help for coping with it. Remember to love each other, we all have our own demons. Everyone has pain. Remember that you are one part in a multi-billion piece puzzle. If you have the opportunity to help someone, do it. Some people need an ear, or a shoulder, some just need you to hold the door open for 10 seconds longer. Don't get to busy or too much in a hurry to realize that your actions affect everyone around you. Remember that if you need someone that someone else probably needs you. Reason, Season, Lifetime. You decide.

Have you ever seen those familes where everyone looks alike? This is me and my sister. We've never met. We have different mothers who've never met. We have the same father, I've never met him, she has, but she doesn't remember him. It's strange, I still keep imagining that it's all a lie. Before I found her my husband and I were discussing a paternity test with the man who raised me and is by all accounts (including legally) my dad. But I hear her voice and I see her face, and I know with 99% accuracy that this is my sister and a man that I have never met, and will never meet, is my father. It's kind of sad. The very few pieces I have found on him are not about his life, but about his death. Cemetary indexes, his obituary in the newspaper. What is sad is the newspaper states that he was survived only by his mother, father, and brother, when in reality he has two daughters. What I know of this man is not at all pretty. This is in my blood. Half of my genetic make up, and I know nothing of it, will never know.

I have a sister

I've known that I had a sister since I was 10 years old. I never really wanted to find her because that would involve finding my biological father. The information I knew about him wasn't that great. But yesterday I'm sitting here reading a survey and question #1 says: Where is your sister? where is my sister? So, being the way I am I decided to find her. And guess what? Today I have a sister. Her name is Amy, she lives in Missouri. She has three kids. My niece and nephews. How WEIRD is that? After 23 years I have a sister. She didn't even know. Which I kind of knew that because I don't think that HE even knew. Until this morning she didn't know that she had one more sister. She doesn't know anything about him, he wasn't allowed to be a part of her life and he died when she was 10. Her mom won't talk to her about him. My mom will tell me what she knows, but she doesn't know very much. I have a sister.

marooned on an island with nothing but a single shot

forgive the Pirates reference, Angelina insists on watching POTC at random times.




I'm so tired. I'm so tired that I'm typing with my eyes shut and my brain turned on low. i just want to sleep for a week, but my mind won't shut down. someone i care about is on a suicide mission. it hurts me to think that i might lose him forever even though i gave him up years ago. he gets me like no one else ever has or probably ever will. it scares me.