Blanket Apology

So, for whatever reason certain blogs haven’t been posting from my e-mail or feeds on facebook, etc.  So I have gone and manually transferred each post across each of my blogs… with that said, some of the timelines are off.   Please excuse me for posting out of chronological order, I’m sorry for any confusion.

Hate Me - *possible trigger*

<a href="http://www.vevo.com/watch/blue-october/hate-me/USUV70600341?w=nolyrics">Hate Me - Blue October | Music Video | VEVO</a>.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDxgSvJINlU]

I have had this song on my computer for the longest, have always like the song, but only ever really paid attention to the chorus and the music.  I so feel this way sometimes.  Sometimes the most selfless/selfish thing that someone with mental illness can say.  Opinions?  Is wanting to isolate a feeling of guilt for making others around you worry about you, or simply just a need to shut the world out so you don't have to feel it?  I know for me my isolating is a combination of I just want to be left alone, because when I am not left alone I get more upset and end up being more outwardly emotional (angry, yelling, etc.) and I would rather just be left alone.  I would rather someone worry about me, than to know that I am hurting them and see that I am hurting then, while feeling helpless to stop it.  Because then, do I not only feel terrible about the world, I feel terrible for hurting them.  I'm good today. I promise, just pondering.. was making a playlist to clean to and came across this song and wanted to blog about it..   Comments?

Lyrics:

Hate Me- Blue October

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If your dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you were doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

<em>[Children voices:]</em>
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

Edit: On a funny side note... after that song on my playlist was Boxcar Racer's "I Feel So"

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPEGbxL9AoQ]

Gesundheit - Sneezings of the Brain

David and Angelina were both home this past week for Christmas break.  That being said sleep schedules were thrown WAY out of whack.  Something that I realized though is that David and I settled into our natural circadian rhythms.  That being going to bed somewhere between 3 and 5a.m. and waking between noon and 4 p.m.(usually me sleeping this late) With this altered sleep/wake schedule I have neglected to take my wellbutrin.  I fully realized this yesterday because Saturday we were up very late, and since today our regularly imposed schedule was starting with school and work, we decided to skip sleeps on Saturday and go to bed early on Sunday.  This was due in part to the fact that I had several adult beverages Sat. night and postponed taking my medications. (Which ended up skipping for Saturday)

Anyway, So, yesterday I realized that I hadn't taken my wellbutrin at all this past week.  And I felt BETTER.  The past month I have had this stupid depression cloud hanging over my head.  Last week I bitched about the <a href="http://rainydayramblings.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/you-are-choosing-to-be-this-way-from-my-psychiatrist/">antidepressants not working</a>.  The thing that puzzles me now is this: Should I start taking the WB again?  Or should I just continue to NOT take it?  It wasn't doing it's job very well, and the fact that I feel better off it makes me believe that maybe I AM better off it. I have read some articles, like the following:
<blockquote><strong>Antidepressants.</strong> Use of antidepressants in bipolar disorder, although once common, is now controversial. Antidepressants may not be advised at all, depending on your situation. There's limited data indicating that antidepressants are effective for bipolar disorder, and in some cases they can trigger manic episodes. Before taking antidepressants, carefully weigh the pros and cons with your doctor.</blockquote>
(See: <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs">Mayo Clinic Bipolar Disorder Treatment and Drugs</a>)

I don't know the answer.  I know being on the Zoloft made me an emotional popsicle, while not really treating my depression.  And the wellbutrin, while I got my emotions back, doesn't seem to be effectively treating my depression either.  And I don't know if this respite from the "black pit of despair" is due to lack of wellbutrin, or possibly just coincidental.  Maybe it's that I was on my internal clock's schedule this past week that has me feeling better; as opposed to the enforced one during school/work times.

The other question that is plaguing me is whether or not my irritability is caused by the use/non-use of the Wellbutrin.  Again, the bear in me has been pretty active lately, while on and off the Wellbutrin.  I'm not sure if the irritability is due to the stress of the holidays and being depressed, or if I'm having a mixed episode, but mostly feel the "depressed" part of it and the manic part is the mood-swingy-bite-your-head-off-for-looking-at-me-wrong feelings.  Or maybe I'm just reading too much into everything and it's just a regular ol' hormone flux and I'm being paranoid and over thinking.

The point of this is that with the sleep thing screwed up, and taking my meds still at 10pm and being awake for 5-7 hours after that, I have been having these sleepy time ramblings.  Pondering all the big things, most related to stuff that I don't have the answers for.  Have been driving David kind of bonkers, but he's dealing.  He mostly just tunes me out anyway.

There really isn't a point.  It just IS. It all IS.  We all ARE.  There isn't always an answer, although I wish I could get better insight into the things of mine that I want answers to.

*restlessness + poor judgment = mania (or so I've discovered recently)

When I first started this blog I said I was going to update this <a href="http://rainydayramblings.wordpress.com/2009/04/16/symptoms-i-thought-were-just-me-being-crazyo-wait-i-am-crazy/#more-17">(Symptoms I Thought Were Just Me Being Crazy..O... Wait, I Am Crazy)</a> regularly.  It's been 8 months so I figure now's a good enough time to start doing that. So here goes:<!--more-->
<blockquote>I am planning on updating the particular entry often, as often as I think of and/or realize how much of "me" is actually me and what is my illness.  I think that it will be a long and difficult journey to recovery, but I hope that by separating what behaviors are actually me, and the behaviors that are not I will be able to start to overcome at least some of them.  We'll see.<img title="More..." src="http://rainydayramblings.wordpress.com/wp-includes/js/tinymce/plugins/wordpress/img/trans.gif" alt="" /></blockquote>
(To Be Continued...)
<ul>
    <li>Yelling</li>
    <li>being irritable in general</li>
    <li>aches and pains</li>
    <li>zoning out</li>
    <li>hearing the sound of people talking but not processing what is being said</li>
    <li>getting easily distracted by what is going on around me instead of what I am supposed to be doing</li>
    <li>starting and never finishing projects/chores/assignments/etc, etc,etc</li>
    <li>Being non-compliant with therapy (but I feel better, why should I take these pills or go to this appointment?)</li>
    <li>getting stressed and anxious at the stupid stuff</li>
    <li>order order order at my desk at work</li>
    <li>sloppy sloppy sloppy at home</li>
    <li>The "I don't <em><span style="text-decoration:underline;">feel</span></em> like it, so I'm not going to do it"s</li>
    <li>The guilt</li>
    <li>the manipulation</li>
    <li>the need to have David <em>available</em> to pay attention to me, but not necessarily to have him pay attention.</li>
    <li>the need to just have space</li>
    <li>restlessness+ poor judgement = mania (or so I've discovered recently)</li>
    <li>depression (duh!)</li>
    <li>not being able to keep friends just because I don't care enough to stay in contact or make an effort</li>
    <li>not letting people in, or letting inappropriate people in too much *coughmocough*</li>
    <li>alternating between talking too much about hypotheticals or nothing at all, and not talking about the real here and now and the real issues.</li>
    <li>Pretending like I don't care what people think, when really I'm second guessing my every word, gesture, or action.</li>
    <li>writing this blog: the fact that I have 3 blogs so that people will pay attention to what I have to say. Like it <strong><em><span style="text-decoration:underline;">means</span></em></strong> something.</li>
    <li>Alternating between caring too much and not caring at all.</li>
    <li>the emptiness, the feeling that there's a gaping hole inside of me.</li>
    <li>the nothingness.</li>
    <li>the feeling that I'm destroying everyone that I care about.</li>
    <li>trying to make people care about me by caring about them, at least in the moment.</li>
    <li>doing stupid stuff that I know beforehand is stupid, but doing it anyway even though it can't end anyway but badly.</li>
    <li>that restless need to just do <em><span style="text-decoration:underline;">something</span></em> to shake things up, but not completely break them apart.</li>
    <li>the feeling that I'm missing something. Like I'm being left out.</li>
    <li>the feeling that I don't get it.</li>
    <li>The feeling that I get it too much and other people are oblivious.</li>
    <li>the feeling that I could never leave and do this by myself, but I'm terrified of staying and watching everyone around me burned by the fire that lives inside me.</li>
    <li>the fear of something bad happening, so never doing anything, and then feeling like life is boring.</li>
    <li>irrationality</li>
    <li>taking things too personally</li>
    <li>beating myself up</li>
    <li>beating you up because I feel bad about something that I didn't do and use the excuse that you could do it just as easily.</li>
    <li>the fact that my chest got so tight and my body got tense when I saw you walk over to read what I was writing.</li>
    <li>Knowing that it hurts you to know that I can write this down for everyone to read, but I can't or won't say it to your face.</li>
    <li>feeling like by reading this I make you feel like you don't know me at all.</li>
    <li>I am afraid of feeling like you feel like you don't know me at all.</li>
    <li>I am afraid that you think I'm lying to you because I never told you all this.  I just never knew how to say it so you wouldn't ask me questions coz it makes me nervous when you question my feelings, even if you're just trying to understand, and not necessarily being judgmental</li>
    <li>random crying</li>
    <li>being sarcastic/funny during a serious discussion or argument</li>
    <li>eating all the time when I am having overpowering emotions</li>
    <li>not eating at all</li>
    <li>being a hypochondriac</li>
    <li>attempting to self-diagnose</li>
    <li>seeing the details, forgetting the big picture</li>
    <li>being selfish</li>
    <li>knowing that I'm being selfish and feeling guilty for it, but still doing it anyway</li>
    <li>taking advantage of people in little ways</li>
    <li>feeling like my needs come first and should be at the top of other people's priority list</li>
    <li>being a know-it-all</li>
    <li>using my crappy experiences as a crutch to make people feel like I have it worse than they do, so they feel bad about complaining about<em> their</em> not-as-crappy experiences.</li>
    <li>making people uncomfortable by divulging what should be private in general conversation.</li>
    <li>being so open about things that should be private</li>
</ul>
<strong><span style="text-decoration:underline;">12-28-09</span></strong>: So, I'm reading this... thinking that things are going to be different... But they're not really.  Except I don't see people anymore.  My social circle has dwindled to a few.  A few people that I really care to have in my life or care to have me in theirs.  I have Facebook.  That's about it.  I'm less on the being open about things that should be private and less on the caring about others so they'll care about me (except on my blogs), I have been trying more to empathize with others who have been/are where I am emotionally instead of competing with them.  The irritability comes and goes, the random crying was better until I went off the Zoloft, then it came back again when I stopped being an emotional popsicle.  I'm still irrational, and emotional, and have mood swings, and panic attacks, and boulders that fall on my chest.  I'm done self-diagnosing because the dr's have already done it for me.  I am no longer afraid of what David thinks about my blog, and I know now that he understands that a lot of the time I write what I mean or feel better than I say it aloud.  I know that he reads it. (at least occasionally)  I am less ill-at-ease with myself... mostly because I am not around people that know me, and the people that I come in contact that don't know me... well, they don't matter. (In a figurative sense, like I'm not worried about what they think of me - we're talking about ppl at the grocery store)  I still get anxious and second guess my every move when I am places that I have to be - like this morning at my psychiatrists appointment.  I was sure the man in the waiting room was staring at me for 45 mins, so I kept my head in a magazine or staring at the floor.  I was fine this afternoon at Angelina's appointment though and I was in the waiting room for over an hour.  I'm still distracted.  I have had to go back several times to look at my list and what I have already written to remember what exactly it is I am writing about.  I think I'm done for now.

New Pdoc

I'm actually really excited today.  New pdoc.  If the receptionist/nurse (not sure exactly her role) is any indication of the rest of the office... I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new dr.  The male doctor is actually not accepting new patients so I am seeing the nurse practitioner.  I think this is wonderful coz she's a woman, which is what I wanted in the first place.  Will update after I get back!