Psycho much? - Edited

So… I haven’t blogged in almost a month. A couple weeks ago David and I got into an argument about whose responsibility it was for different household chores and lawn work. The house was a mess and he was playing on the computer and had said he was going to mow the lawn (only he didn’t because the tire on the lawn mower was flat) So, I asked him to help me clean up the house. We kind of got into it because his response was basically that I am home all day every day and he goes to work every day during the week and basically that housework shouldn’t be his responsibility. So, we went into our bedroom to talk. I could see where he was coming from, it does seem unfair to him, I know that… but I am not doing this on purpose. I don’t want to be mentally ill, and I don’t want to be tired all the time from the medicines I take to make me “less” ill. Well… during our argument and me trying to make him understand that I am not choosing to put everything onto him, I just CAN’T do it. Some days I can, other days I cannot. His reaction was basically that he didn’t believe that I couldn’t just that I wouldn’t because I didn’t “feel like it” and that I just didn’t WANT to do it, or that I won’t do it. So this turned into more of an argument. I started staring at the wall and semi-tuning him out because I didn’t want to hear what he was saying…I already knew what he was saying, and I knew that it was his perception of what was going on. It was one of those times when the understanding wasn’t there, and the trying to understand, or the acceptance that he didn’t understand wasn’t enough.

Double Edged Sword

This evening (ok it's 2 a.m....shh!) I was browsing around on Amazon.com for bargain books related to bipolar disorder. I had to chuckle to myself at the books that basically implied that the pharmaceutical companies were behind the diagnoses of mental illness in America.

First off, I have bipolar disorder and am being treated with psychotropic medications. I also have been a certified pharmacy technician since 2005 and have seen and dealt with a great many people being treated with medications. No one HAS to take a medication. You have the right to refuse it when your doctor prescribes it. You have the right to not fill the prescription. You have the right to not buy the prescription if it is too costly and you don't really want to take it anyway.

I feel... nothing.

Life is going on around me. I don't really care. None of it means anything to me right now. I simply am. And they simply are. Simply are here to just not let me be. Have a dr's appt thursday... maybe Dr. C can give me some insight into why I feel worse instead of better? Haven't been feeling physically well the past couple of days either. Was supposed to have my CT scan done a while ago.. have an appt with Dr. S next Tuesday. I don't know if I'll go. What's the point? I didn't have the CT. I didn't have bloodwork. Dr. C is prescribing all my meds that aren't OTC. I'm tired of being reminded that I'm sick and they're not doing anything. I will continue to see Dr. C every month because I know that even though I am not well now... I could be worse without it at all. I have stopped taking my Strattera. I have no desire to put anything more into my system that I don't absolutely need. It's not keeping me alive..or improving anything. Might be an option if I ever have to go back to work and be functional. I'm so tired. So very very tired. Wish I could sleep forever. Can't wait til school starts...peace and quiet during the day.. no one to bug me except myself. Don't want to go anywhere. Don't want to stay home. Just want quiet. Want to be left alone...if even just for a little while. Want to be able to stay in bed, and not have to shower or get dressed or eat or anything. But I have a headache. That's what happens when I think too much about staying in bed. Or if I sleep too much. The headaches. I have one now. Angelina is singing and it is driving a nail into my skull. It's hard to write about how I feel inside when no one notices so much on the outside. I'm down. I haven't gotten dressed. But I am still coherent (for the most part) and responsive. Don't want to be a burden. Feel like such a fraud when I say I'm sick. I am. But it's not tangible... It's not something you can take a blood test for. I feel sick today. so tired. need a nap.

Life Was Going Okay Until Life Got In The Way

I have not worked since February of this year. I have posted several different posts on why this is so, so I won't bore you with the details. I have had quite a setback today. I got the letter from our mortage company saying we were in default. And although it was something that we realized was a possibility when we discussed my not going back to work and waiting for the disability system to do its thing; it still throws many many shadows of my perception of reality lately. I knew that the letter would come. I had to give it to David. I CAN'T handle it. I know I haven't paid that bill since June, but I guess a part of me though that it would just go away or get overlooked by the mortgage company. So like the ostrich, I stuck my head in the sand. I feel badly for putting that burden on David, especially because I'm sure they have regular 9-5 business hours and David is working during that time. I SHOULD be able to handle this. I SHOULD do it. it SHOULD be my responsibility. But, I CAN'T do it. Not that I won't. I CAN'T. I used to be able to. I used to be the one that answered the phone calls and made call backs for bills or creditors or whatever. I handled the dr's offices, and setting up appointments, and keeping everyone's schedule together. It failed.

*Chirp*chirp*

Hey all, I have been MIA for a while now, my daughter is home on summer vacation. Have been doing alright I guess. can't wait for school to start and having my peace and quiet back during the day. Today was a really bad day. The past month or so I have been doing worse instead of better. Not really depressed or manic, but just apathetic and "numb" as my psychiatrist described it. Have been doing not well enough that my husband accompanied me on my last p-doc appt to voice his concerns. I feel so bad because he worries about me so much sometimes. My p-doc changed some of me medicines around at my last appt and my schedule is all messed up, I haven't been sleeping well and am no longer on any kind of sleep/wake schedule. I have made myself a cocoon. I am to the point where I don't really leave the house except to go grocery shopping once a week. I am not afraid to go out... I just have no desire to go anywhere.