Honesty is freeing

I had a REAL conversation with David today. SO many things apparently have been on both our minds and I am so glad that we got it out there. It doesn't change anything except we both understand each other's POV and realize that the other understands. And we're different, we both have considered some of the same things, but refuse to give into the madness of them for different reasons. I know i'm being cryptic, it's purposeful. I just wanted to say that I feel liberated in my marriage and although I feel stifled quite often, it makes me feel a bit better to know that he knows that I changed for him, to be better for him, and for myself. I met someone. My world has been turned upside down. But here I sit. I'm not changing a thing. I will keep the monster under lock and key. If you want to know what I mean... read Twilight. I feel like Edward with Bella... I am a vampire and David is human. I love him, but mostly I just want to tear him to pieces and drink his blood. So...I can't let myself lose control in any way, or my primal instincts will take over and I will tear him apart. Of course, it's all figurative. but a year ago, I let my control slip, and I turned his world upside down, he was ready to end his own life rather than go on without me by his side. I can't let that happen.

New carcinoid Blog

Hey Everyone,
I am starting a new blog at: http://jessicascarcinoid.blogspot.com/ related to my Carcinoid Cancer. Any additional posts on this subject will be updated there on a semi-regular basis. Thanks for reading!!




Jessica

The Saga Continues...

So I had my CT Scan yesterday (10/24) that was icky. I had to drink that stupid barium crap and almost vomited it both times. ugh. So, I had to fast since they were doing a scan of my abdomen, I drank 16 oz of the barium at 8am, and then another 16 oz at 10am and had my scan at 11am. The test lasted about half an hour because I had it with and without contrast. The test itself wasn't as nerve wracking as I thought it was going to be. The last couple diagnostic tests i've had were MRI's which were extremely claustrophobia inducing being I was a big girl stuck in a small loud box. Luckily with the CT it is more open and this time they were scanning my belly and pelvis not my head/shoulder like with the MRI's I've had in the past. I made the mistake of going back to work after my CT and drinking the barium (it was my first time ever having to do that) and I spent half the afternoon in the restroom. I think I pooped like 15 times yesterday. I wasn't expecting that at all because the instructions said that the barium may cause constipation (it is a metal) Things are somewhat back to normal today (HAHA) I will find out the results on Thursday at my endocrinolgist appt with Dr. Borchelt, unless my primary dr's office calls me in there first. My results are going to them so I may have to go pick up the report to take with me.

More info on my cancer if anyone wants answers...like I do.

I'm going to try to keep everyone updated on here. I have too many friends/family member spread all over the place and I am just too stressed out right now to keep in touch with everyone personally. I'm being selfish, but I hope that you all will forgive me. I have found some wonderful websites that have a lot of information about Carcinoid Syndrome and carcinoid tumors.

I have cancer

I have carcinoid syndrome. which is a really rare syndrome caused by a really rare carcinoid tumor in the gastrointestinal tract. cancer. i. have. cancer.