chaos

that's where my brain is. constant state of changedness. I had a dream about you and it scared me to death. just can't figure out which you it was. I know this make no sense to anyone.

marriage

Last year I think most of my best friends either got married or as close to marriage as they're going to get in this state (because they're gay) and I almost got divorced after almost five years of marriage. how's that for ironic?

Truth.

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face. Whatever you have heard I have said is through the ears of someone else. If you asked me what I thought and why I thought it I would tell you it is BECAUSE I have been there and I have done it and I have been through it. Plus worse. If it seems like I am judging you then I'm sorry, you missed the point. I have learned the hard way that the things that have happened to us or the things that have been done to us do not excuse us from the blame of hurting others. Pick yourself up. Move on. Get over it. Bad things happen to everyone. I am very matter of fact about my life's experiences. They have changed who I possibly would have been, I can't say that they don't affect me. But don't pity me for it. Don't make excuses for my behavior because I had a crappy childhood. I am the only one to blame for the way that I am today. And so are you. Again, I am sorry if you feel judged by my words. I have found the times that I feel the most judged is when I am judging myself because I feel guilt knowing that I have done something wrong. Regardless of the outcome, most of the things that I have said to you have been with good intentions. I had hoped that you would learn sooner than I did that the road you are traveling leads nowhere except to more self-pity and loathing. Eventually you will push away all the people that were most important to you and that tried to save you from your inner demons. If you need to blame me then go ahead. In the long run it won't make you feel better. I know who I am. Do you know who you are?
If anyone else feels like this person please let me know so I know who not to waste my time trying to help. And if you don't want my help then don't ask for it.

The Drawing Board...or the Drawing Room I haven't decided

I've been feeling creative lately. Feeling a little personally motivated. I've decided I want to write a book. I keep having all these thoughts/ideas about what I should write about. I've starting writing my autobiography about a million times and it never ends well. I've become so matter of fact about my life -- past and present. I don't know how it to tell it entertainingly. So I've settled on fiction. Just need to get an outline. need to get something down on paper (or on screen) any comments/suggestions are encouraged/appreciated.

Blah

That is all.